Page 14 - Borowitz Report News Today

“It’s bad enough that the Rothschilds’ lasers are wreaking havoc on our own solar system,” the Georgia congresswoman told reporters.

The embattled British Prime Minister ordered security personnel at 10 Downing Street to post a photo of Giuliani at the building’s entrance.

“Using ketchup is a disgrace, and it should never be allowed to happen in our country,” the former President said.

“It was a perfect throw,” the former President boasted.

Attorneys across the nation indicated that they have been swamped by requests from clients seeking to incorporate as soon as possible.

The Governor accused O’Rourke of hiding behind the First Amendment, “intended for use only in times of war.”

“As I was taking the Fifth Amendment a hundred times, I realized there must be at least four other amendments,” Eastman said.

The former New York mayor alleged that his blood-alcohol level had been exchanged for the blood-alcohol level of Hunter Biden.

“I don’t see why quote-unquote Hawaii gets to be a state,” the former governor commented from the campaign trail.

Musk rolled up to the drive-through in a blue Tesla at lunchtime on Tuesday, and told the attendant on duty that he would buy a Big Mac in an all-cash acquisition.