Page 20 - Borowitz Report News Today

“After vowing that there would be enough vaccine in July, Joe Biden broke his promise and is now saying May,” Ted Cruz said.

Origin On Feb. 25, 2021, The New Yorker published an article positing that former U.S. President Donald Trump’s tax returns showed he had claimed U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz as a dependent:  Trump’s Taxes Reveal He Claimed Ted Cruz as Dependent In the first major bombshell to emerge from the handover of Donald J. Trump’s tax returns, the Manhattan district attorney has announced that the former President claimed Senator Ted Cruz as a dependent. Speaking to reporters, Cyrus Vance, Jr., said that l...

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Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that his adult children would be “way better judges” than “those three clowns” whom he did name.

Save this story for later. PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s legal woes deepened on Wednesday as millions of Americans joined a class-action lawsuit demanding the past four years back. Although Trump is already being sued for his actions on January 6th of this year, this latest suit broadens his legal exposure to the other fourteen hundred and sixty days of his Presidency. Harland Dorrinson, the attorney representing the approximately two hundred million plaintiffs, said th...

“Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.

“If I had to write the impeachment part all over again, I’d really dumb it down,” James Madison said.

Although neither son has a law degree, Don, Jr., called their lack of legal education “our secret weapon.”

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After an extensive debate and much hand-wringing, House Republicans have decided to forgive Representative Liz Cheney for having a conscience. The decision came despite the objections of a sizable faction of the G.O.P. conference, which warned that allowing the Wyoming congresswoman to possess a moral compass could set a dangerous precedent that other rogue members might follow. “We Republicans have had the great good fortune of be...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In her most explosive claim to date, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene accused former President Barack Obama of converting to Judaism in order to obtain lasers. According to Greene, Obama’s obsession with lasers was a result of working in the entertainment business, “where he is constantly surrounded by laser-owning Jews.” “Obama would go to Netflix meetings and be seething with envy of all these Jewish TV executives who ...