Page 6 - Borowitz Report News Today

The head of security for the federal courthouse acknowledged that he and his team have “no leads whatsoever” as to who took the documents.

The former narco-kingpin called his prosecution and incarceration “the greatest witch hunt in the history of witch hunts.”

“All the color drained from his face,” a campaign aide said. “Mike was even whiter than usual.”

“During his four years as Vice-President, Mike Pence brought flattery and obsequiousness to new heights,” the N.A.A. statement read.

“I could be wrong, but I vaguely remember that he was maybe this guy lying down on a beach?” a resident of Phoenix said.

“We’re not sure how, but chocolate pudding seems to have seeped into one of the keyboards,” an insider on the matter said. “It’s really gross.”

According to an aide, the campaign considered a shortlist of other foils, including Mickey Rourke, Dennis Rodman, and Ginni Thomas.

“Don’t do it, Ariel!” Florida’s governor was heard bellowing in the back row.

Across the state, residents indicated a desperate desire to join Disney in its departure.

Lots to do in the Princeton area this weekend, including some free events. Our picks.