Page 4 - Cole Bert News Today

Guy with case of spiced rum and a Swiss Army Knife can breech the perimeter. You know what im talking about . Right . Mr. Whiskers. I dont know anything about birds. [laughter] truth is until i sobered up, i thought he was a lemur. Point is this good break. I tuned out. I chilled out. What am i going to miss the a twoweek period, right . Its the summer. Crisis on our boarder. The immigration nightmare. The spy scandal explodes. Crisis in the middle east. Republicans just announcing plans to sue ...

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thats quite lovely. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, you know, thank you. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you for that. you know what that prove os, you know what you just proved, that we do shower the people we love with love. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, please, have a seat, folk...

hes not gonna get some. we could always split it 50/50/50. do you even hear what youre saying? your gums are bleeding. hey, howd it go? great, i just ratted you out. could i see you two boys for a minute, please? so youre not gonna get into any trouble at all? uh, no, not really. and since the mcpoyles are gonna plead guilty, im sort of off the hook completely. thats great. oh, im sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked? no, i dont think thats what hes saying. what are you ta...

forks butts. this is the cole bert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thats quite lovely. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, you know, thank you. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you for that. you know what that prove os, you know what you just proved, that we do shower the people we l...

uh, timmy? yes, timmy. oh, dear. jimmy? yes? you know our policy. im afraid youre out of scouts. out of scouts? timmy. what? hey, wait a minute, this is crazy. you cant do this. wow, i never knew jimmy was gay. me neither. no, no! timmy! -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com captions paid for by mtv networks 2012, may 10th, 2012, from comedy centrals world studios in new york this is the daily show with jon ste warts. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme...

>> jon: hey, everybody, that is our show, before we go, real quick, the head writer of our program, the great tim carvel,-- for mad magazine for ten years, now a book called-- in the book stores now, you should get it, unless you are a loser. are you? here it is, your moment of zen. >> will marginalize himself with the rest of the country. he is to the going to appease the gay community which is one of the four major funders of the democratic party a long with jews >> stephen: tonight,...

tasers their own guns? then political chaos in wisconsin. its time to rage against the milking machine. and my guest dr. francis cullins is in a new four-part hbi documentary on piecity. it was supposed to be one part but they supersized it. nearly 40% of new yorks 911 calls are butt dialed. which begs the question, who is a facting-- attacking forks butts. this is the cole bert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thats quite lov...

>> jon: hey, everybody, that is our show, before we go, real quick, the head writer of our program, the great tim carvel,-- for mad magazine for ten years, now a book called-- in the book stores now, you should get it, unless you are a loser. are you? here it is, your moment of zen. >> will marginalize himself with the rest of the country. he is to the going to appease the gay community which is one of the four major funders of the democratic party a long with jews >> stephen: tonight,...

stephen colbert is at the center of nancy pelosis argument against super panks. -- super pacs. a spot attacks couhim with a wi here at 30 rock, in the republican race for president, mitt romney says hes not threatened by rick santorums rise this week but judging by the new level of attacks, santorum has the attention of the front runner. >> well, i think youve seen rick santorum get his opportunity now to be one of the leading contenders, he hasnt been as visible in the sweepstakes b...

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. please. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us, everybody. (cheers and applause) nation, nation t is february 2nd, groundhog day. today crowds gathered at gobblers nobody in pennsylvania to find out if punxsutawney phil will junk into the republican race. still time. they also wanted t...