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Jon thats our show. Join us tonight at 11 00. Here it is, your moment of zen. Im sick and tired of the cat and mouse game. Let the mouse run, maybe i will, maybe i wont. Hillary is the same stephen tonight, obama unveils his plan to fight i. S. I. S. While i. S. I. S. Unveils their plan to veil everyone. laughter then advice for a struggling restaurant chain. Three words cheesefilled forks. laughter and my guests tonight, unlocking the truth, are a heavy metal band made up of 12 and 13yearolds. ...

Stephen stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen come on, come on, yay cheers and applause crazy, thats crazy welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. Good to have you with us. Thank you so much. Folks, folks, i got to say, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here that gets me right here that gets me right here. And folks when you give me, when you give to me the love and the night it makes me want to start a tell thon, to give back the joy ...

I would in no way demand it. Certainly you might have things to do. But we but they will be here. cheers and applause here it is, your moment of zen. Hayden is the former head of the cia. Thats a strategic level, air power has all the attraction of casual sex. It offers gratification but with limited commitment. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org ready to go captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen, stephen, ...

Jon welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. My guest tonight, tavis smiley, author of death of a king. Its fantastic. But first, we turn to isis. The terrorist Insurgent Group slash rogue nation, slash allaround living nightmare, slashpossible boy band. Yes, different i. S. I. S. Our president s spent the past few weeks working on a strategy for dealing with them, to replace our previous strategy of. Strategy tbd. Why is it everybodys eager to use military force . The issue with syria is what...

I cap lie to you people. This has been a lousy couple of weeks, years, decades. Endless war, corporatist surveillance state that thrives on secrecy and tears of orphans. And now a roving hoard of islamist decapitation fetishes who are raising an african blood virus to see who can kill us first. Why go on . We must keep fighting because as frodo taught us, even if the world is horse [bleep], if you dig around long enough there is a pony in there somewhere. Well, it turns out, ladies and gentlemen...

Group currently occupying parts of syria and iraq. While we dont agree on what to call them, we always agree something must be done and last wednesday night the president went all in. I can announce that america will lead a Broad Coalition to roll back the terror threat. They have this Core Coalition of of ten countries who are committed to Work Together in different ways to fight isis. Jon different ways. Some may bomb isis. Others may sing them away. laughter laughter i dont know how effective...

[laughing] jon really no reason for that. All they do is send us platters of food. They are the loveliest people in the world. Lets begin in dallas where a nurse has contacted ebola from a west african patient. This morning this quaint dallas neighborhood is on high alert. Jon wait, wait. Cleaning guys . Decontaminating ebola and you have cleaning guys. Were bros with a hose not available . I shouldnt worry. They look like a thoroughly professional opportunity. Oh, look a hair pin turn, trying t...

Eric has agreed to stay on as attorney general until i nominate a successor confirmed by the senate. Jon so he will never leave laughter hes not only acting on any confirmation hearings currently, theyre busy bleep their pants. I. S. I. S. Has hit us at home. Killed thousands, marching on. Cant bury our heads. Action needs to be taken. Needs to rise to the occasion before we get killed back at home. Jon all of us killed well be the dead as the art of how to properly squire a lady at a cotillion ...

Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us, citizens. Sit down please ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thank you, members of the nation, citizens assembled dignitaries. Smoke em if youve got them. Metaphorically, of course. New york state law does not allow to you smoke indoors, and were going to need all of our fighting age men and Women Healthy and strapping because at exactly ooooh. I forgot to wind my watch last night whateve...

This if you were watching this, folks, if you were watching this on a television, and i hope you are, by now president obama has gone on the air tonight to outline his plan to degrade and destroy destroy isis. Reports are with only 15 minutes long it would make sense. You dont need a whole lot of time to say my fellow americans laughter then i assume he fills out the hour by doing weather and sports. Now i tape my show at 7 00, folks, so i have no idea what he said tonight. All i know is that i ...