Page 20 - Network Even News Today

Appreciate that. I miss you already. Very nice. Thank you very much. We are coming to you from thank you, thank you. Please, now its embarrassing. Sit back, relax. We are coming to you from las vegas, nevada. We are in the zappos theater. I came in on an airplane, ill be leaving on a mobility scooter. Heres why vegas is number one. [cheers and applause] ill explain it. Its not just one city. All the great cities of the world are represented here. Youve got new york, paris, rome, margaritaville. ...

Jimmy i love you welcome. [ cheers and applause hey i love you, welcome. Thank you for being here welcome everybody. Thank you. Have a seat. Enjoy yourself welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. [ cheers and applause you made it to the show. Give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause you guys, its the weekend and theres so much is going on. Avengers is in theaters. [ cheers and applause yeah theres an all new game of thrones. [ ...

These good boys deserve a treaty. Coming this summit. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight he said, xi said. Plus stephen welcomes bill hader. And musical guest james bay. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whooo. Hello thanks, everybody, thank you so much. Welcome, welcome one and all. Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to the late show. I...

China. Stephen do you know anything about Winston Churchill . That is a great woman. Stephen lets move one. Now, this morning, you got in a tweet fight with bette midler. Tell me about that. That may have been the greatest battle ever in history. Stephen okay. Related question how does your staff put up with you . They take massive amounts of drugs. They have to. Stephen that makes sense. Now, i want to ask you about the u. S. S. John mccain. When were you in japan, your staff hid the mccain fro...

Havent lost very much in my life. Dude, you lost a billion dollars in ten years [ laughter ] thats like the team that plays the globetrotters saying they havent lost very much [ laughter ] according to reports, senator Bernie Sanders is preparing for this weeks democratic primary debate by reading opposing policy positions instead of doing drills or mock debates while President Trump is preparing by consulting a rhyming dictionary [ light laughter ] orourke, dork. Thats good. Write that down. [ ...

Kauai leonard somehow wound up on the clippers. I didnt feelitr of the earthquakes. I dont know. I was driving once and the other one i was like people were like did you feel that . I didnt feel anything but a lot of people did. And you know what you do when theres a big earthquake . You have to get your phone out and start rolling cameras, because this earthquake, everyone was taping. It shook up some kind of weird school performance. I dont know what was going on there. This apartment the apar...

[laughter] again, i had already slept with im not a great person. Im just making the point. Wait, wait. What is the point again . The point is, like my girlfriend, all the liberals screaming and shouting annoys people so much it makes them vote for trump. Well, but wait. Isnt there a double standard here, michael . I mean, like, the president s supporters want civility, but hes out there calling people bitches and saying that some women are too ugly to assault. Hes just telling it how it is. I m...

Space force. Mother packed his pjs and everything. How he got stuck with this space force job, i do not know. While hes here, maybe we can put him on the millennium falcon ride at disney land and tell him its the space force up and running. Meanwhile, back in the white house, the president is pumping his tiny fists. The uk ambassador to the United States resigned today. Private comments were leaked and revealed to a tabloid and referred to our stable genius as clumsy, inept and insecure. It did ...

Conflicts coughing youre talking yourself into prison he said theres no collusion. He didnt say theres no collusion. He said no collusion coughing shut your mouth, you crazy bastard coughing announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trumps poll dance. Plus, stephen welcomes dax shepard. Preet bharara. With special appearance by jon stewart. And musical guest lukas nelson and promise of the real. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan thea...

She was a professional con artist. Robbing lonely men of money with the promise of sex. Someone said you should put a bullet through her head. Many people think he is in jail, he is convicted. Im still here, you bastards. A witness in the case thinks he knows who the killer really is. Smoke that let me tell you about hollywood. When something bad has to happen, like a husband or a wife has to be eliminated, or an executive has to be eliminated and believe me, show business, theres a lot of stran...