Page 53 - Welcome Back Program News Today

Dead mom . Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Right this way. [applause] jordan so, jordan, hey, you think we should say goodbye . Whatd your mom say . Oh, jeez. [laughter] good night, everybody. Good night. Whoo im gonna do my one line here oh, yeah. Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is dial the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] jon boom welcome to the daily show. Miss to see you nice to see you. My name is jon stewart. One of o...

Deadline. It was a crucial test for the Obama Administration they set an am bishes goal. I think success looks like 7 Million People signing up by the end of march. Jon and failure looks me me looks like we never have this information. Youll never get there. Allegedly four Million People signed up. They expect to three more million in one month. That is goag about a disaster jon disaster its a fever dream. Fit more by the outlandish opiate fiend as he lays on an alphabet city mattress. Watched c...

Group currently occupying parts of syria and iraq. While we dont agree on what to call them, we always agree something must be done and last wednesday night the president went all in. I can announce that america will lead a Broad Coalition to roll back the terror threat. They have this Core Coalition of of ten countries who are committed to Work Together in different ways to fight isis. Jon different ways. Some may bomb isis. Others may sing them away. laughter laughter i dont know how effective...

With the n. S. A. The n. S. A. Tells us they are not doing something and then we found out they are totally doing it. [ laughter ] for instance, nobody is listening to to your telephone calls. Jon turns out they are totally listening to your telephone calls. They storing them in this giant utah fortress of surveilitude. Next. With respect to the internet and emails, this does not allow to United States citizens. Jon go on. The Obama Administration quietly won permission a couple years ago from a...

My guest tonight Rachel Maddow is joining the program this evening. [cheers and applause] but first shame. [ laughter ] weve all felt it at one point or another in our lives whether it be the internal scorn with he heap upon ourselves when we fail to live up to our own expectations of conduct or the more public shame, the shared shame of say getting caught by your parents masturbating to the dinah shore [laughter] she was so vivacious. [ laughter ] youve learned something about me tonight. [ lau...

President obama offered a proposal to rectify an ageold wrong. On average a woman still earns just 77 cents for every dollar a man z. A woman deserves equal pay for equal work and paid leave that lets you take a day off to care for a sick child or parent. Congress needs to act on these priorities. Jon of course they wont. [ laughter ] because in my experience here i have found them to be bleep . [ laughter ] seriously. I cant stand them. Even the ones in my own partim probably shouldnt be saying...

Really, the american audience immediately like did we bomb them . What happened . [laughter] after just a few weeks from when crimea officially joined russia another region of ukraine has said ill have what shes having. The crisis in ukraine is deepening this morning with the threat of more lost territory. Prorussia of a at this times why trying to take control. Days ago it was just the local government buildings. Jon now its a deli [ laughter ] wait, wait so in ukraine they are declaring indivi...

Confusion and frustration for the investigators and ratings for cnn. In these three weeks cnn has been much like our native american and set ancestors usiny part of tragedy of. [laughter] with nonstop expert news reenactments, graphic simulation, with just a souscian of pop culture relevance. Theres a theory out there with a socalled zombie plane theory. Jon because zombies are hot, yo or maybe the plane was cooking meth in a new mexico trailer. [laughter] but the real question is how did the pl...

Of law. Jon see . It turns out it wasnt so much rule of law consistent as rule of law add adjacent. The n. S. A. Has been routinely breaking privacy rules. Jon rules are made to be broken. Sorry, wait that is no precious moments figures. Those are knead be broken. Rules are made to be followed. Even though they said repeatedly these programs are only used to catch bad guys. Reports surfacing that some employees are tracking their love interests. Using the enormous power of the government to eave...

Jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. My guest tonight author steve brill, the followup to the smash hit article tonight we discuss it more. The top stories goes out to all the fellows in the house. [ laughter ] have you gentlemen, for the past 5075 years or so felt something breathing down your neck . A presence waiting to pounce on what was once yours. You aint dreaming, buddy, they are called women. [laughter] and they are braking down barriers left and right. They are the su...