Aint taking none. So listen here is the proof once and for all. Sniffles magilacuty here, john mccain asked about a claim harry reid is making. He said publicly that you came to him in july and offered to pass a clean government funding resolution, no obamacare amendments. It was 70 billion below what the senate wanted they accepted and youve reneged on that offer. Clearly there was a conversation about doing this. Several. Several. And you offered a clean resolution. I and my members decided that the threat of obamacare and what was happening was so important it was time to take a stand and we took a stand. Jon did you did you bleep hear that . Can we stop having the conversation about it . Wham is he going to say . They had a deal but obamacare. [ laughter ] we decided to take a stand. Do you think obamacare is a big enough threat to the country you need to shutdown the government over it. Fine, own it. Dont fart and point at the dog [cheers and applause] did you do that . Did you . Good boy. I cant stay mad at you. [ laughter ] im going to move on. Im going to do a different story. Any story. I know what ill do. Ill use my wheel of happy stories. We dont hardly ever use it but its always [laughter] oh, my god i cant believe its we mefer used it but its we never used it but its always under here apparently. Look at these stories. Donald trump has larn giets full frontal clooney. Lets spin it and see what we get. Hold on. Mystery story i cant wait to see what fun oh my god [laughter] [laughter] [cheers and applause] one metatarsal down. Fine what is the happy news from syria. A Team International inspectors hit the road in damascus wednesday deployed to destroy chemical weapons. An estimated 7000 ton chemical arsenal is at the center of international contention. The team has nine months to eliminate it all. Jon because the whole team is pregnant. [ laughter ] why do they have nine why a weird arbitrary number. How hard can it to be eliminate chemical arsenal. They have a reasonably high tech removal weapon. They spend all this money to make them im sure besophisticated to unmake them. They are using blow torches to destroy warheads and bombs. Jon what is in these crazy things . Wow, if you are doing it on the cheap why not have the human wrecking balls take care it. With his head and my shoulder ram we help the people of syria. Were going to tear apart this. Chemical weapon. With every inch of our body. Were going to use science. To prevent assad from gassing civilians. We are. United nations. Wrecking ball. Jon isnt that nice. [cheers and applause] obviously the brave chemical weapons inspectors are putting themselves in harms way and im not talking about the dangers of hitting themselves with a hammer. They face grave risks working in syria. A u. N. Convoy came under sniper fire. Theres no confirmation of who pulled the trigger. Jon s yes because what is a better symbol of safety than a projectage with a trojan with a hole on it. Jessa is live in searal. Thank you for being here. Hi, jon. Jon do they have you there . You are destroying chemical weapons there . No, no this is my Halloween Costume im a sexy jessie pinkman. Jon you think shes sexy . Very. Jon why did you go to syria to get a breaki bad costume . They were sold out everywhere else. Jon how are things going . Pretty rough, jon. Someone told the locals im from america. You can imagine the bleep im getting around here. Jon you can imagine with the Foreign Policy. Not the Foreign Policy the Government Shutdown the syrians think were idiots. Jon were idiots . Yeah. Jon they are hardly if a position to judge us. Syria is not a Model Society these days. Yeah but guess what . Even with the whole country torn part the Syrian Government has paid all its bills and workers wages. Can you believe that bleep . The memorial im sure they are building to this war is open right now. bleep . Jon wow. So the government is open. But but but assad is still a murderous dictator. True. But you want to know what he said to me today, jon . Jon wait, what he said to you . Yeah, the president of syria said to me today while we were eating he said what is up with that ted cruz guy . Seems like a bit of a whack job. Jon reety assad said that to you . Totally. Jon did you did you say to assad . What bleep am i supposed to say you just nod and finish your sushi. groan im starving. Weve been compromised dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets i really want a cupcake, but not the calories. Lil sweet sliding down the bannister. Ouuuh lil sweet brought you some sweeeet diet dr peppers. Oh yeaahhh. That is sweet. Diet dr pepper. Its the sweet one. With at t, strong can tell a bedtime story. From gate 9. At ts network has the nations strongest 4g lte signal. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back. Listen. If you were an astute observer of politics you may have noted washington d. C. Has fall noon what many experts are falling into a sink hole bleep . Is there a way out . Jason jones reports. Republicans are refusing to back off obamacare and pass a clean budget sending the Government Shutdown to the second week. I decided to take a crack at fixing this mess by sitting down with g. O. P. Strategist. Lets solve this right now. Lets do it. We just want our Government Back open. What do we do . Defund obamacare. The g. O. P. Is trying to save the American People from a disaster of a health care plan. We dont have joy in the shutdown. Reporter can you just give us back our government and when you do include obamacare because its the law. It is law but its not good law. Its unconstitutional. Its unconstitutional. Reporter even though the Supreme Court deemed it constitutional. The Supreme Court deemed it constitutional but it had to go to the Supreme Court to do so. And they still dont know what is in the bill. Reporter the Supreme Court didnt read the bill . I feel the same way. Can we stop this whole interview, please. Its just a vicious circle. You dig your heels in. You Say Something stupid. Its a stupid law. Reporter and i give a generically witty response like yes, Affordable Health care for millions of Unemployed People is stupid. And then these dummies laugh. But where does it end . It ends with defunding obamacare. Reporter bleep . Im done. I hate this job. It was clear what had to come. We have a hostage situation. You are holding this country hostage. You dont get to extract a trance yom for doing your extract a ransom for doing your job. Reporter i enlisted the help of i f. B. I. Ransom negotiator y. Do people feel the need to take hostages. In their world they tried a lot of things and everythings that failed. They view themselves as significant people and they are mystified they are not followed more and hurt by it and they feel abandoned by it. Reporter i thought calling in a hostage negotiation is funny and a funny joke but its incredible how this metaphor is lining up. Even bat bleep insane has its own rules. You find out what the rules are and navigate within them. He prepped me through the techniques through 15 years of service. Dont be condescending and try to see it from her perspective. Reporter dont be condescending . Thats all i know how to be. Finally it was go to and i had to stay focused. Say something innocuous get her talking. My name is jason jones. Im here to listen to you. What are your demands. Can you put the mic phone down. Reporter its called a megaphone. Dont be condescending. Talk about the things she might like. Try top find common ground. Rhondella noelle talk to me but obamacare will hurt Small Business businesses and their employees. Its disastrous for Small Businesses. Reporter i cant keep this up its stupid. Its not stupid to her. You have to realize even in her world this makes senses. Reporter please continue with your thoughts. He taught me that keeping the hostage taker talking is crucial no matter what is coming out of their mouth. Obamacare is one of worst things. One of the worst things in American History. Reporter one of the worst things in American History huh . Do you remember bleep slavery . No, no, dont attack. Reporter sorry sorry. I cant call her on slavery or anything like that. I realize what she just said is utterly ridiculous and it ignores the entire history of the United States but its her perspective. Reporter i began to realize there was one major problem with this hostage negotiation. We dont need government in our health care. We dont need government in our lives. We need a smaller government. Reporter and that problem is that not matter what we do the g. O. P. Is holding something hostage that they dont value. You are saying you are going to maim the thing you are holding hostage regardless . We will always fight for less government. Reporter you are supposed to say well let the hostage go safely. Thats hostage taking 101. Please were not in the business of taking hostages. If you want to look at someone in the business take hostages you need to look at obama and the democrat circus. I have to tell you in my 20 plus years in this business ive never seen anything like this before. Reporter looks like we win no. One wins in this case. music im supposed to tell you how it feels when you book the perfect Family Vacation on hotels. Com. But i think hes kinda nailing it. music hotels. Com. They dont need me right now. Look at us. A nation of checkers. Missing this moment. To check all of the other moments. Really, mom . Just one look. Theyll never notice. Checkers, you can keep failing at trying to sneak a peek. Or, you can change the way you check your phone. Its 30 in the first. Howd you do that . Magic. The Samsung Galaxy s6 edge, with discreet edge notifications. Get 200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. Youre getting 3 here. Alright . Here goes. Yep. [ crunching ] oh cheddar, sour cream onion and salt vinegar. Wow wow how did you do that . i can see through the blindfold. [ male announcer ] pringles [ male announcer ] digiorno . Or delivery . Digiorno . Or delivery . Taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, freshbaked pizza, is your oven. Thankfully, its not delivery. Its digiorno. I really want a cupcake, but not the calories. Lil sweet sliding down the bannister. Ouuuh lil sweet brought you some sweeeet diet dr peppers. Oh yeaahhh. That is sweet. Diet dr pepper. Its the sweet one. Three chicken tenders taters and gravy i threw in a biscuit and a big ol cookie my 5 fill up will fill you up guaranteed aint that right, phillip . Its still Finger Lickin good. I am rich. On the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. Out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. I wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. Wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. Yes, i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage all of taylor swifts music videos interviews, and more. Xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. Jon rell come back. Shes the youngest person ever to be nominated for a nobel peace prize. Her book is called i am malal. Please welcome to the program malala yousafzai. [cheers and applause] nice to see you. [cheers and applause] thank you for being here. Thank you so much. Its an honor for me. Jon its an honor for us. I know me. This is by the way we talked a little bit before the show. Nothing feels better than making you laugh. I will say that. I enjoyed that very much. Thank you. Jon i am malala. Its honestly humbling to meet you. You are 16. Where did your love for education come from . We are human beings and this is the part of our human nature that we dont learn the importance of anything until its snatched from our hands. And when in pakistan when we were stopped from going to school at that time i realized that education is very important and education is a power for women. And thats why the terrorists are afraid of education. They dont want women to get education because women will become more powerful. [cheers and applause] jon exactly right. [cheers and applause] when did the when did the taliban come to swat valley . Because before then you describe it as a paradise of sorts. A taliban came in 2004 but at that time they were quite good. They did not show the terrorism and they did not blast any school at that time. They started with the geoterrorism in 2007 they blasted more than 400 schools in swat. They slaughtered people and in the month of january 2009, they used to slaughter even two three people every night and they flogged them and we have seen the barbaric situation of the 21st century. And weve seen like the cruelty and weve seen harsh days in our life. And those are regarded as the darkest days of our life. It was really hard for us at that time. Jon you describe in the book still no matter what, they took the signs off the schools. They went underground but they continued in the face of you spoke out publicly against the taliban. What gave you the courage to continue this . You know, my father was a great encouragement for me because he spoke out for womens rights, for girls education. At that time i said why should i wait for someone else . Why should i be looking to the government, to the army that they would help us . Why dont i raise my voice . Yes y dont we why dont we speak for our rights . I started writing diary. I spoke on every media channel i could. I raise my voice in every platform i could. I said i need to tell the world what is happening in swat and i need to tell the world that swat is suffering suffering from terrorism and we need to fight against terrorism. Jon when did you realize that the taliban had made you a target . When in 2012 i was with my father and someone came and told us have you seen on google if you search your name that the taliban has hurt you. I could not believe it. I said its not true. Even after when we saw it i was not worried about myself that much i was worried about my father. We were told that the taliban are not that much cruel that they would kill a child. I starting think thinking about that and thinking the talib would come and he would kill me. I thought what would you do malala i thought take a shoe and hit him. But i thought if you hilt a talib with your shoe then theres no difference between you and the talib. You must not treat others with cruelty and harshly. You must fight others but to peace dialog and education. Then i tell him how important education is and i even want education for your children as well and i will tell him thats i want to tell you now do what you want. [cheers and applause] i know your father is back stage and hes very proud of you. But would he be mad if a adopted i if adopted you . Because you sure are swell. Could you stick around . I want to talk a little bit more about swat valley and what it was like growing up there and how people can get involved through the malala fund and those types of things . Do you have a little bit of time . Yes yeah, sure. Jon i am malala is on shelves now. Visit to the malala fund. Malala music playing throughout bend the rules of whats possible with the epic hp x360. Aah, the majestic hermit crab. They mate once in a lifetime. And he who has the most unique shell. To him, go the spoils ohhhh. Well played, sir always be one of a kind. I am rich. On the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. Out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. I wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. Wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. Yes, i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Jon this is one of the finest examples of the human spirit ive ever been a witness to. I am honored and humbled to have here her here. Oh i forgot to ask her how you can solve a Government Shutdown. [laughter] join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. A new poll came out what do you have a higher opinion of congress or dog poop. Will the january 17, 2012. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause . Jon hey, welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart we got a good one for you tonight. My guest liam neeson. Our guest tonight, the great liam neeson, hes the star of the new film the grey. The gripping story about a color trapped between white and black. laughter all right, as you know, yesterday was the Martin Luther king, jr. Celebration and the 16th republican debate. Two events with what i can only imagine has a very small crossover audience. laughter now, fox news summed up the strange confluence perfectly cutting away to the debate to both an enduring monument to dr. Kings greatness and a myrtle beach republican candidate sand sculpture whose mortal enemy appears to be high tide. laughter its like Mount Rushmore for hermit crabs laughter all right. Now i know a lot of you didnt have time to watch the whole debate and may not have time to watch our nine minutes of talking about it so for viewers in a hurry heres a synopsis of the debate. laughter all right. That is pretty much in the a nutshell. They were all over each other. In fact, the general theme of the evening was everybody on this stage tonight is an bleep hole except for me. Senator santorum, today you said governor romney is guilty of distorting your record. Mitt, we need for you to release your income tax. The analogy that congressman paul used was utterly irrational. Why didnt you try to change that when you were governor of massachusetts . You voted against right to work congressman paul voted against that bill. Governor huntsman called you a perfectly lubricated weathervane on the important issues of the day. laughter and applause jon at least he was perfectly lubricated. Perfectly lubricated weathervane . Even their insults to each other smell of rich guys. And you santorum,