Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah 20240712

COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah July 12, 2024

But it did take you 2 1 2 weeks. Yeah, youre a great meheecan, butters, just not a great leader of meheeco. [sipping on straw] [ascending cheering in the distance] [baby cheering] [cheering continues] distant voices oi oi orgullo mannnnnntequilla [sighs] a baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar. Welcome to the daily distancing show. Im trevor noah. Today is july 20th, and new york has officially entered phase four of the reopening or as coronavirus calls it, back to work, baby. As you can see, i am still filming from my apartment because im using the tv studio to store grain. Yeah, youve got to be ready for the second wave. On the daily distancing show, trader joe decolonizes itself. Kanye west drops his wearsest track yet and, and still finding a way to take trump to school. Welcome to the daily distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world. This is the daily distancing show with Trevor Noah Trevor lets begin todays episode with the celebration of john lewis. The civil rights icon who died friday at the age of 80. All weekend, people were remembering just how extraordinary this mans life was. Civil rights icon and American Hero john lewis passing away at age 80. As a college student, he helped lead the fight against racial inequality by participating in multiple protests. In 1963, he was just 23, the youngest speaker at the march on washington right alongside Martin Luther king, jr. My friends, let us not forget that we are involved in a serious social revolution. Trevor two years later, he would lead Peaceful Protesters across the edmund pet us the bridge, fighting for the right to vote. They were met by brutal force by state troopers, lewis, bloody and with a fractured skull. He would continue his fight as a u. S. Representative known as the conscience of the congress. Hundreds gathered in a candlelight vigil. Trevor barack obama credited lewis for making his presidency possible, aparting him in president ial medal of freedom in 2011, and said not many of us get to live to zero see our legacy play out in such a meaningful, remarkable way john lewis did. Trevor you know you have lived quite a life when you get heartfelt tricks from all across the globe. They came from everywhere, even republican colleagues who said this guy was an amazing human being who fought for what they believed in. A few were just a little off key. For instance, Mitch Mcconnell, Senate Majority leader and what mushrooms would look like if they had faces. He sends out a long statement praises lewis sacrifices but, at the same time, hes also been blocking the effort lewis led to fully restore the Voting Rights act. So its a lot like the joker wrote a eulogy for batman. Some people try to destroy the city he loved or tried to poison him with laughing gas, but ill always miss batsy. What . You were the one doing that to be fare, though, Mitch Mcconnell always sends a sweet message when a black colleague dies because its one less person he has to keep from voting. Probably the most awkward tribute to john lewis came from marco rubio, republican start and guy who could get away with playing little league. Saturday, rubio tweeted a tribute to john lewis, but with a photo of himself standing with a different deceased black congressman elijah cummings. Thats so embarrassing. This is the racial version of calling out your exs name in bed. Now i found out why rubio sent me an edible arrangement on don lemmons birthday, i ate it. Two people confused john lewis with elijah cummings. They worked with the man for years which is why republicans only have one black guy in congress at a time, less confusion. Lets move to a less legendary political figure, kanye west, Kim Kardashians eldest child, promote ago new new album president ial campaign, and it has not been going great. Kanye west is moving forward with his campaign for president. He held a rally in charleston, South Carolina yesterday, arriving on stage with the year 2020 shaved into the back of his head and wearing what appeared to be a militarystyle vest, west appeared to be putting forward policy proposals on the fly. Everybody that has a baby gets a million dollars, or something to that effect. At one point he broke into tears while describing how he was nearly aborted by his parents. There would have been no kanye west because my dad was too busy shouting. I almost killed my daughter one of the most controversial statements of the night came when he criticized abolitionist Harriet Tubman. Harriet tubman never actually freed the slaves, she just had the slaves work for other white people. Trevor this is the weirdest hiphop beef of all time. You goin going to harass Harriet Tubman for not getting them better jobs . Honestly, guys, i dont know what to make of this, i genuinely dont. Because my takeaway from this event is that kanye west doesnt seem well. I feel like someone who cares about him needs to take his microphone away, ironic rithe best person for that job is kanye. The battle for justice in america continues every single day, but if it seems like theres no end in sight, at least theres progress on some of the smaller issues. Trader joes Supreme Court chain is under fire, urged to change some to have the names of its ethnic foods. Over 1,000 people signed a petition urging the company to rename products labeled trader minimums, joses and john oaks. Trader joes say they have been in a years long process of repackaging products and will soon complete the work. Trevor we did it black lives matter no justice, no peace and also rename the pasta. But look, i get why people complained about why they were branding the food in trader joes. You dont have to calm something trader menges for them to know of its chinese food. Like you dont have to call it trader karens for them to know it has Pumpkin Spice in it. Im glad theyre revamping the labels. If branding will become problematic at some point yowrchltd see what honey nut cheerios looked like up until last week. They were dope, but that was problematic. You may be wondering what happens to all this food after it gets canceled . Do they just throw it away . Seems like a waste. Well, the good news is theres actually a Grocery Service that gives you the food you need with all of the racial insensitivity you crave. Are you sad because your favorite problematic brands have been canceled . Aunt jay my na was canceled crying then you need bigot basket, delivering all the brands you wont find in the p. C. Grocery store, products like aunt jay my na. Uncle bens, build a walnuts. Tucker carlson os and white chock l. A. Sure, you could buy the same exact food under a different name but you have a sophisticatedball palette and you know food tastes better when its making someone sad. Whats more, all our food is packaged in plays i think the rings that kills turtles. 10 off if you order today. Trevor so offensive but so delicious. A quick break. When we come back, how everyone shoulshould be interviewing dond trump. Stick around. burke at farmers, we know a thing or two because weve seen a thing or two. Like how nice it is to save on your auto policy. But its even nicer knowing that if this happens. Or this happens. Or this. Or this. Or even this. Weve seen and covered it. So, switch to farmers and you could save an average of three hundred ninetyfive dollars. Get a quote today. We are farmers. Bumpadum, bumbumbumbum [orange] hey, whats up guys . [ginger] oh my god [captain] orange, why are you naked . [orange] oh god, is my camera on . [captain] ill never unsee this. [orange] okay hold on. Hows that . [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] [orange] floridas finest baby. [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] the its the steady beat in the story of anderson. Paak. The story of his immigrant mother, raising four children on her own. His own story, of a man who came from nothing, who found purpose, and success. In the booth of a recording studio. Anderson. Paak found his fighting spirit. And uses it to inspire others through his music. Since 1925, weve proved that it doesnt matter where you come from, it matters what youre made of. Modelo. Brewed for those with a fighting spirit. So [bleep] it here are the rules for summer this year. Lays are preferred. Pants are optional. Recipes are better with cheetos. Tostitos salsa goes with everything. Frito lay. Lets summer you cant claim that because its inanimate people ask me what sort of a person should become a celebrity accountant. And, i tell them, nobody should. Hey, buddy. Whats the damage . I bought it the waterfall . Nope a new volkswagen. A volkswagen . I think were having a breakthrough here welcome to caesars palace. Thank you. The daily distancing show. So yesterday, President Trump sat down for Chris Wallace, the only reporter at fox news that isnt trying to become press secretary. You can tell he isnt because this was no softball interview. It was pretty much a master class in how not to let trump get away with his usual bullshit. You know how trump is always bragging how well the United States is doing with the coronavirus . Hears what happened when he tried that move with Chris Wallace. I think we have one of the lowest mortality rates. Thats not true, sir. Well, were going to take a look. We had 900 deaths on a sickle day this week. We will take a look. Ready. Can you please get me the mortality rate . Kaylie is right here. I heard we had maybe the lowest mortality rate in the world. Do you have the numbers, please . Because i heard we had the best mortality rate. This is dr. Birx printout. Number one low mortality rate. This is what fake news is all about. I dont think were fake news. Yes, you are. You said we had the worst mortality rate in the world but i said the best. Its a little complicated. Bear with us. We went with Johns Hopkins which tall idea the mortality rate for 20 countries hit by the vipers. United states the 7, better than united kingdom, but worse than russia. Brazil and south korea are doing better. Other countries doing better like russia arent included in the white house chart. Trevor you see . Chris wallace did two things right trump absolutely hates, he proved him wrong and made him do homework. The funniest part about this to me isnt that trump use add bullshit chart to prove america has the best mortality rate. Its even on a bullshit chart its still not true. If you just want any chart thats going to show how well youre doing, go all the way with it. That wasnt the only time trump tried to bring receipts he didnt actually have. Here he is attempting to prove joe biden said he wants to defund the police. They want to defund the police, and biden wants to defund the police. Sirrics he does not. Look, he signed a charter with benders, i will get that one just like i was right on the mortality rate, did you read the chart it says nothing about defunding the police. It says abolish. Lets go. Gem the charter, please. All right. Because youve got to start studying for these he says defund the police . He says defund the police. They talk about abolishing the police. They talk about illegal aliens pouring trevor i look forward to seeing this. Sir, im not disagreeing with you on any of those. Im disagreeing about defund police. He said the white house never sent us evidence the bernie biden calls for Defunding Police because there is none. Trevor briceless, seeing trump flail around, trying to find a fact he made it. It shows how his brain mixes up everything he reads into an information smoothie. He read bibbed wants to abolic immigration retention, and also read Police Reform and mashed it up to biden want to abolish police. I would like to give trump a book to read to see how he would explain it back. Green eggs and ham is about a tragic stories about two eggs that want to marry a ham, they want to get married, they love each other. Another great fact check from Chris Wallace. I have to admit, i love Chris Wallace the journalist, but Chris Wallace the dad must be a nightmare. His kids are probably coming home like, yeah, school is fine, we just did a bunch of work, i just put my head down and worked. Well, actually, i have photo evidence of you spending all day under the bleachers vaping, making out with samantha. It got to the point Chris Wallace wasnt just Fact Checking trump, he was fact shaming him. For years trump has been bragging about what a good score he got on a cognitive ability test. Yesterday, wallace flatout told trump that his test score said aint shit. In the fox poll they ask people whos more competent, whose mind is sounder. Biden beats you in that. Well, i tell you what, lets take a test. Lets take a test right now. Lets go down, joe and i will take a test. Let him take the same test that i took incidentally, i took the test, too, when i heard you passed it. How did you do . Its not the hardest test. Its an no, no, thats all misrepresentation. Thats what it was on the web. Its all on the web. Thats misrepresentation. The first two questions are easy but i bet you couldnt answer the last five questions. They get very hard. One was count back from 100 by 7. Let me tell you, you couldnt answer you couldnt answer many to have the questions. Whats the question . Ill get you the test, id like to gives it. I guarantee you joe biden couldnt answer the questions. I answered all 35 questions correctly. Trevor this is sort of making me sad now because trump is trying so hard to claim hes a genius because he passed a test where you have to identify an elephant. Even for trump, thats too easy. If they wanted to test trump, they shouldnt have asked him to identify an elephant. They should haved is him to identify his second daughter. That would have been impressive. Is it this one, no, thats jared. Okay, but i was close, right . Also, counting back from 100 by 7 is super easy. Anyone can do it. 100. 93. Uh. tick tock tick tock 86. You dont have to be a genius. You know what, jokes aside, i actually feel reassured trump passed the cognitive test because, some day, when terrorists threatened to kidnap the Washington Monument unless trump identifies the elephant, hes got it handled. Its the rhino with the long nose. Trevor wallace covered the interview but no matter the subject trump managed to make it weird. When wallace asked trump about army bails named after confederate generals, this is what he said. The National Defense authorization act, the ndaa, you have threatened to veto it because, in the bill and this is supported by republicans as well as democrats, it would rename army bases famed nor confederate generals we won two world wars two world wars, beautiful world wars that were vicious and horrible, and we won them out of fort bragg, we won them out of all of these forts that now they want to throw those names away. Go to that community where fort bragg, is and a great state, i love that state, go to the community, say, how do you like the idea of renaming fort bragg . And then what are we going to name it . You going to name it after the reverend al sharpton . Trevor im sorry, what . Two people world wars . This dude really can objectify anything. Weve had two beautiful bangaboo world wars, totally tens that is such a dumb thing to say that they didnt even think to put Something Like that on the cognitive test. Should we ask people about both world wars and see if they find them attractive Senate Minority no, forget it, nobodys brains that broken. So the elephant should look like this, yeah . So how insulting is it to say people might rename the bases after al sharpton . Of course they should rename it after al sharpton. Think about how terrifying that would be for enemy soldiers. german accent here is the al sharpton bring b, theyre going to call us out ono our racism america has had lots of nonconfederate generals and trump should know that, hes fired a lot of them. You could make any problem sound ridiculous if you pretend al sharpton is the only solution. President trump, we need universal healthcare. Whos going to be your doctor, al sharpton . Heres the thing, as incredible as it was to see trump face a real interviewer, nothing wallace says will convince trump is wrong act anything. Trump shows even when proven wrong, he still insists eventually hes going to be right. Dr. Fauci at the beginning said this will pass. He was wrong. You made mistakes, too. I guess everyone does. I was going to say uh, you said at one point i think well be good at w the coronavirus. I think at some point it will just disappear, i hope. Ill be right eventually. Its going to disappear. Ill say it again. And i will be right. Trevor eventually, ill be right. Thats not how being right works. If you guess the wrong answer at trivia you cant get a point by claiming one of the answers will eventually be marge simpson. Trump is more concerned about being able to say his lightsrights than being right. If coronavirus ends up wiping out the entire bland et except tore trump hell stand all by himself saying, see folks . Totally disappeared i was right dont go away. After the break, ill speak with former National Security advisor and ambassador susan rice. And then well talk to game of throne star nathalie emmanuel. Well be right back. Dum dum dee dum dum dum [tv program] [sigh] [slurping sound] ahhh [splashing sounds] [sigh] is your money not sure what to do with itself . [alarm clock beeping] at ally, well help it save for the future, with our smart savings tools. For all things money you deserve an ally. Well the names have all. Welcome back, america. It sure is good to see you. Werbut right bead istart it surcutting him off now,. Left bead is making a bit of contact ohh weve got a double bead going for the inside line the left bead into first place wow aaaahhhh. Beautiful. Trevor welcome back to the daily distancing show. My first guest is susan rice, susan former National Security advisor and u. N. Ambassador for president obama, and New York Times bestselling

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