[ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, thank you. Welcome. Very nice. Im jimmy, i am the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for being here for it. Im for it, youre here for it, were all here for it both literally and figuratively. And im glad were all here having fun, but there is a disaster looming a potentially earthshattering event that could have a devastating impact on tens of millions of americans, especially young americans. And im not talking about climate change, or ai, or diarrhea on planes. [ laughter ] the house of representatives today, with an overwhelming majority, passed a bill that would ban tiktok in the United States unless the Chinese Company that owns tiktok agrees to sell it. Only 50 democrats and 15 republicans voted no. 352 voted yes, which almost never happens anymore. Who would have guessed that this would be the thing to bring both sides together . [ laughter ] republicans voted against their own border bill because they were afraid it would make biden look good. They cant even get it together to stand up to vladmir putin. But, by god, they will stand up to Charlie Damelio and then some [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is funny. They did just to give you an idea of the pull this app has, they did a poll and half the people who said they use tiktok said they do believe it poses a threat to National Security, but they still use it and keep it on their phones. [ laughter ] i guess at this point, what the hell, right . Half the country supports a National Security threat for president , might as well dance. [ laughter ] i dont think we fully understand how crazy these kids are going to go if they kill tiktok. For teenagers today, losing tiktok is a bigger deal than losing your virginity. [ laughter ] im not kidding, either. This is like taking away all of their imaginary friends at once. [ laughter ] and you know what kids did before tiktok . Drugs. [ laughter ] this is not an attempt to ban tiktok. Its an attempt to make tiktok better. Tictactoe. A win. [ laughter ] jimmy thats how you explain it to the young people, to the tweens. [ laughter ] meanwhile, donald trump is now not in favor of forcing tiktok to sell even though when he was president , he tried to ban it by executive order. He was very antitiktok until last month when he got a personal visit from a billionaire donor who owns a lot of tiktok stock, and now all of a sudden, he likes it. [ laughter ] lines it a lot. Total coincidence, im sure. House republicans are not with trump on this one. But Marjorie Taylor greene, of course, is. Because she isnt getting enough attention on facebook who is going to buy it . Who will be the next to control the data of over 170 million americans . Are we going to trust Mark Zuckerberg to control their data . I certainly dont. By the way, most of the time, my posts on facebook are shadow banned. [ laughter ] jimmy and nobody puts any hearts on my instagram stories. [ laughter ] i have a feeling she gets shadowbanned from a lot of places. Shadowbanned is code for all your High School Classmates have you muted. [ laughter ] so now, the bill goes to the senate which means the fate of every tweenaged tiktoker is in the hands of a bunch of old white people with hotmail accounts. [ laughter ] this is a big deal. This is like iphone footloose and theres no kevin bacon to save us. [ laughter ] and there are plenty of adults wholl hate this too. I mean, without tiktok, what are people supposed to do at work . If they ban tiktok, how will we know if someone is skateboarding down the street, drinking cranberry juice and listening to Fleetwood Mac . We wont [ laughter ] tiktok has become a major issue, and a lot of people believe if we get rid of okay, everybody, we need to talk about this. [ laughter ] i dont know if youve seen this yet, but this jimmy kimmel segment is the cringeiest thing ive ever seen in my life. [ laughter ] jimmy are you seeing this . What is happening . First of all, how does this guy still have a show . Hes a total hasbeen. He hasnt hosted the oscars in like three days. [ laughter ] jimmy excuse me . What, im trying to make a tiktok. Jimmy how are you seen doing this . Did you hear that . This boomer doesnt even know how to make a tiktok. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy well, kind of true. The last thing our Community Needs is to hear the opinion of this out of touch nepo baby. [ laughter ] jimmy im not a nepo baby. Oh, yeah . Tell that to your father. Jimmy you know who my father is . And there it is. We just watched the deranged jimmy kimmel literally scream do you even know who my father is . [ laughter ] its disgusting, its pathetic, and frankly, its dangerous. Jimmy i did not say get that off my screen. I dont want to be in a tiktok. Too late, youre in one. But the saddest thing about all of this is that we all know the real jimmy kimmel died months ago. [ laughter ] and this body double isnt fooling anybody. Jimmy okay. What is that music . Its a generic creepy music track. Every good conspiracy track has one. Look at the bags under the eyes. The wrinkles on the forehead. The saggy you think they would actually allow a guy who looks like this on tv . Jimmy ive had a long week. Im tired because of daylight saving. Thats why i look like this. I agree with boner soup here. Distract us from the fact that octopi from space are making our children bisexual. Heres why thats a good thing. Jimmy hold on, thats it. Im sacraling up. Click the link in my boy bio to get my supplements . [ laughter ] jimmy well, maybe we should get rid of it. [ cheers and applause ] very powerful. Last night, as you probably know, donald trump and joe biden officially clinched their Party Nominations which means we will have the first rematch for president since 1956 when it was laverne versus shirley. [ laughter ] one good thing in all this madness is that americans are fired up. Maybe too fired up. In johnson county, kansas, the local Republican Party gave supporters an opportunity to violently attack a joe biden mannequin. Which seems healthy and respectful. Watch this. [ laughter ] lets hope thats how the election ends, too. [ laughter ] meanwhile, robert f. Kennedy jr. , the antivax conspiracy theorist with a famous last name, says he will soon announce his running mate. The New York Times is reporting that his finalists include include Aaron Rodgers and former governor of minnesota jesse the body ventura. Hes also considering a pair of truck nutz dipped in ivermectin kennedy says he has been speaking with rodgers pretty continuously for the past month. Thats some good decisionmaking right there. [ laughter ] Aaron Rodgers and Jesse Ventura are not running mates. Theyre who the bookers on the masked singer call when Rob Schneider says no, okay . [ laughter ] and Aaron Rodgers is still playing football, hes still playing for the jets. How many losing teams can he be a part of at once . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you dont have to answer that, just something to think about. Two weeks away from the start of Donald Trumps first of many criminal trials. This one for charges related to the Stormy Daniels hush money case. Trump has gotten himself in a lot of trouble yammering about and during these trials. According to rolling stone, his lawyers have been making gentle internal pushes to try to try to keep his mouth shut. And why, that will work. [ laughter ] gentle internal pushes is also what his doctor recommends when he has too many cheeseburgers. [ laughter ] the only way to shut donald trump up is to put him in a room with just eric. Okay . [ laughter ] Donald Trumps legal bills are adding up, and same is threw for his mypillow pal, mike lindell. Mike lindell, he was trying to sell pillows and slippers and robes. Now hes just flatout begging for cash. We have to have secure elections. Weve got to get rid of these electronic voting machines. We need your help. Go to thelindellplan. Com. Go there, donate, donate, dough fate. We need 100 of your money. 100 . [ laughter ] jimmy thats right. Dont even open your wallet, just put it in a box and send him the whole thing. [ laughter ] imagine sitting your kid down and saying, im sorry you cant go to college, but the mypillow guy needs to get revenge on the machines and needed 100 of our money. March, as you may know, is womens history month. You knew that, right, guillermo . Guillermo yes, of course, yes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy women have contributed so much to the world, including me. A woman named joan contributed me to the world. [ laughter ] but i often wonder how much does the average guy know about womens history . So, we went out onto hollywood boulevard where all the smartest people line up [ laughter ] and we invited men passing by our studio to take a womens history miniquiz. Simple stuff, nothing too complicated. And this is how that went. Its womens history month. We want to know what women you know from history. Were going to show you pictures, you tell us if you know this persons name. Whos that . That is i dont know this one. Oh, she did rockets. I dont know. Still dont know. I dont know. That i dont know. Is that a biden . Kim kardashian. Kylie jenner. Kendall jenner. Oh, no. This is mia khalifa. Uh its on the tip of my tongue what do you know her from . Porn. [ laughter ] shes like an og, i dont know. Riley reid . Who is this woman . Rosa parks. Lily gladstone. Diane rorer. Melissa joan hart. Kathy williams . What does she do . Shes the Vice President . Of california . Teresa. Nene leeks. Lisa vanderpump, i love her. Who is this woman . No clue. No. Cant say. Pass. Dont know. I dont know. Dont know. Nope. Not sure. Marge simpson. Lois. Chunli. Dont know. Sandra day oconnor. Michelle obama. No. Dont know. George washington carver. Kim kardashian. Stormy daniels. Lara croft. Thats the chick that flew the first plane. I dont know her name, but its not earnhardt but its something hart. Amelia earhart why cant i think of this . Ive tooken history before. Which history classes have you tooken . Susan parks. Sarah palin. Shes an astronaut. Sally fields . Maria shriver . Gloria allred . Abdul . Oh, come on, thats Vice President. Whats her name . Kalisa horiz Stormy Daniels. Mia khalifa. Riley reid. Jenna jameson. Happy womens history month, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i cant believe Robert Kennedy is considering that guy for Vice President [ laughter ] its amazing. Hey, we have a very good show for you tonight. Ramy youssef is here. [ cheers and applause ] weve got music from Briston Maroney, and well be back with the one and only Michael Keaton [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, an exceptionally funny man. His new stand up comedy special is called ramy youssef more feelings. Ramy youssef is with us. Then later, from knoxville, tennessee, his album is called ultra pure. Music from Briston Maroney. [ cheers and applause ] you can see briston live tomorrow and friday night at the fonda theater here in los angeles. Tomorrow night, the one and tomorrow night, the one and only Oprah Winfrey will join us. Thats right. If you have anyone in your family who is ill, bring them here and they will be healed in her presence. [ laughter ] we also have music from chromeo so join us for that. Our first guest tonight is a capedcrusading, nightshifting, beetlejuicing man mom with a new movie he directed himself starring himself and al pacino. Knox goes away opens in theaters friday. Please welcome Michael Keaton. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . Good. I almost did this, which i never do. I dont understand. [ laughter ] jimmy you know, ed mcmahon used to do that. Is that true . Jimmy ed would always do that to johnny. That was the big move. Ed was a buddhist, i dont know if you knew that. [ laughter ] jimmy did you know ed at all . Imagine him being a buddhist. I must have met him, because i did carson he had about two more weeks left before he was retiring. Maybe maybe more. Maybe a month. I got a chance to do it. Jimmy oh, wow, you got in right there under the wire. Thats Something Else. Was it something, you realized he was retiring, i better do this . Oh, man, absolutely. Jimmy you didnt really chat with ed, did you . Not much. We talked about buddhism. [ laughter ] jimmy ed was my cohost for a week here at the show. Is that true . Jimmy i got to know ed pretty well. It was pretty great. I bet. Jimmy sometimes i feel like im at talk show fantasy camp. Like tonight in a way, having you here on the show. Having ed mcmahon sitting next to me, its like i was in a sketch. That must have felt weird too. Jimmy very strange, yeah, but kind of cool. Jimmy i think he accidentally called me johnny a couple of times. [ laughter ] which was super great. Hed probably had a couple. Jimmy more than a couple, maybe. Think of that, think of those guys. Think of the stories. Think of the things he knew. Jimmy oh, yeah. Oh, man. Great behind the scenes. Jimmy theres a story about ed mcmahon, i dont know if its true but i heard from it a good source. He and johnny went on a trip. They got in some prop plane. They went to florida to golf or Something Like that. Already i like this. Jimmy they had a rough night, right . Right. Jimmy so at the end of the night, ed was incapacitated. And in the morning, ed was still incapacitated. And they could not get him up to get him to the Private Airfield to put him on the plane. First of all that image alone. [ laughter ] trying to get ed out of bed. Jimmy yeah. Its great, right . Right, right. Jimmy so johnny and the other guys somehow take not only ed but the whole mattress and load the mattress with ed on it [ laughter ] onto the back of this plane. Do you think thats true . Jimmy i do. I do think its true. Fantastic. Like one of those stories you go, i hope this is true, i hope this story is true. Jimmy yeah. Thats great. Jimmy we might as well just believe its true. Yeah. Jimmy whos going to argue . I believe a lot of things. [ laughter ] jimmy you believe weird stuff . Yeah. No yeah. Im not a not a conspiracy jimmy youre very levelheaded. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy i have to say, looking at you the other night at the oscars. Yeah. Jimmy watching you in the audience. Arnold schwarzenegger, danny devito say they spotted batman. I think we have a clip of this here. They spot batman. [ laughter ] thats a menacing look. [ laughter ] yeah. Jimmy youre a very friendly person, and yet yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy theres a special yeah, yeah. Jimmy theres a little bit of a glint of evil in yourize even, maybe. Yeah. You know what . Youll be back when i tell you to come back. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you have to you have to take a look at the face. Whenever that happens you just kind of [ laughter ] you just drop into that face. You know what i mean . Jimmy yeah, yeah. Dannys the one id worry about because hes sneaky. Jimmy is he . Yeah, creep up behind you. Jimmy oh, yeah. And height advantage. You know. You dont know where he is. [ laughter ] hes always sneaking around. The other guy i just put away. Hes too slow. [ laughter ] jimmy schwarzenegger . Yeah, youd kill him, it wouldnt even yeah, yeah. That was very funny. That was really fun to do. Thats when show business is really fun, you know . I dont know i actually still dont know if that was you heres what happened. You come and you rehearse for the show. Because its got to be tight. Are you sick of being complimented, by the way . Jimmy oh, no. [ laughter ] good. So great. Man, really great. Really great. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you bad news is youre going to have do it for six more years. Jimmy i dont know about that. Am i right about this . Rehearsing, on my way home, i get a text from you or molly. Jimmy yeah, i was with my wife. Molly, one of the producers of the show. Jimmy yes. [ cheers and applause ] and they give me this idea. And i kind of know what the idea is. And i go, when is it . Because i actually, frankly, wanted to go have some dinner. You know. And so i thought, oh, this could be kind of funny. Lets see how it goes. When i was in the back in the green room, were talking. You know, we yakking away. Im talking to this kid. Great kid. Lets go, weve got to go. Im looking at him. Go where . Youre on now. You mean the thing in the audience . Yeah. You rundown. Passing ryan gosling, all these famous people. I love that panic. It might not work, it might work. And they say, where is he going to sit . This poor kid is sweating bullets. It just works perfectly. Now, the great thing, if i dont mind saying myself i brought along an ascot. Jimmy you did bring an ascot . Yeah, yeah, wardrobe change. Jimmy yeah, right, yeah. Because i thought, if im going to do this, im going to bruce wayne it up a little bit. Jimmy right. People saw me onstage jimmy nice little touch. Nice touch, wasnt it . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how many ascots do you own . How many jimmy how many ascots do you have . I want to know. [ laughter ] upwards of 2,000. Jimmy what . [ laughter ] yeah, yeah. Jimmy the Worlds Largest collection of ascots. I do. Come over sometime. They just hang, neatly folded. Jimmy you know who knows how to wear an ascot . Al pacino. Oh, man. Jimmy al pacino is in the movie with you. Yes, he is. Jimmy you directed al pacino. Yes, he is. Jimmy thats just jumping right into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy what is it do you feel comfortable telling him what to do . Oh, yeah. I feel comfortable telling everyone what to do. [ laughter ] no, you know it was such a great you know, i had known him a little. Jimmy uhhuh . Not a lot. And we kind of went back and forth on who was going to play this particular part. I did it with everyone. This is a tremendous cast, by the way. So i get on the phone with him. You know. We had known each other. I talked to him. I will tell you this. We just started talking about i mean, i joke about the ascot