Please relax. Were glad youre joining us here at our home in hollywood, where i have to say, i am very excited, i am very proud, im exhilarated, even. Because from here on, we arent just following the donald trump drama in new york, we are part of it. We are part of the official record of the people versus donald trump. I will explain in a moment. Files it to say that when ryan murphy makes the ninepart miniseries about this for fubo [ laughter ] i will be in it. I would assume someone like George Clooney or maybe Chris Hemsworth will be playing me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] guillermo, you will be in it. Guillermo all right, yeah jimmy you will be played by pedro pascal. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo all right, yeah jimmy the reason why is because the big surprise bombshell today, at least for us, was when prosecutors entered into evidence a series of Text Messages about our show. Prosecutor shows texts between lawyers about Stormy Daniels appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. [ laughter ] back in 2018, keith davidson, the lawyer who helped stormy negotiate the hush money deal, was apparently surprised she was booked to be my guest and concerned about it. He texted with trumps lawyer at the time, Michael Cohen, while the show was on the air. They were watching and texting, which is historic. Its the first time i dont want to brag. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the first time a latenight talk show has been introduced into evidence at the criminal trial for a president of the United States. [ laughter ] Johnny Carson didnt get that with nixon, we got it here. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Six years ago, we had stormy on after the state of the union. I asked her about a letter she released that said she never had an affair with trump, i questioned whether she really signed the letter because the signature looked suspect. Stormy implied that she hadnt signed the letter, which led to some very angry texts from trumps lawyer who threatened to rain legal hell on her. And while i was pleased as punch for sure [ laughter ] to be included today, i feel like prosecutors missed the most important interview i did with stormy, which was this. Which have these mushrooms, orange mushrooms, would most represent the commander in chief of the United States military . Can you hold it up so its coming at me at the correct angle . [ moans and laughter ] jimmy they might fall off. Is this the one . Its a nubbin. A what . Its a nubbin. Its a little nubbin. Jimmy so for real . Like, youre not just picking one of the small okay, this is not even the smallest one. No. Jimmy this is it, huh . Thats the most accurate depiction, yes. Jimmy wow. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy if you look at it, Johnnie Cochran would use that. [ laughter ] if the mushroom fits, you know what im saying . [ laughter ] this is why i need to be in court. Im sick of eeg out of the court, i want to be in it. Why was i not asked to testify . Its outrageous [ laughter ] im going to start suing people, i dont know. I think i could keep trump awake during the trial. [ laughter ] one of the unexpected delights of this trial so far is trump has to sit there while his own lawyers read insulting posts about him. Like this. I apologize for this update ahead of time, but blanch, todd blanche, the trump attorney, is specifically reading a post that Michael Cohen made on twitter on april 22nd in which he refers to donald trump as vaughn shitzenpants. [ laughter ] that is just a factual record that im bringing before you. This is in the court transcript. Sean shitzen pants. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and trump has to sit there and listen to this. I think what cohen was trying to say is trump is a wellsoiled machine. [ laughter ] this also had to be a punch in the gut. You know trump has been encouraging his supporters in new york to come to the courthouse to support him. This is what he got. After large rallies, trump is greeted at courthouse by a single fan. [ laughter ] and before i share a video of that fan, i would like you to close your eyes and try to imagine the one person in new york who showed up to cheer on donald trump. Okay . Got it . Now open your eyes. [ laughter ] thats her there you go. Thats his special lady right there. Im sure hell be inviting her to spend the weekend at maralago. [ laughter ] maybe shell even be his fourth wife, i dont know. [ laughter ] our founding farter would appear to be very upset about reports that say hes been sleeping during the trial. Today he posted, contrary to the fake news media, i dont fall asleep during the crooked d. A. s witch hunt. Especially not today. I simply close my beautiful blue eyes sometimes, listen intensely, and take it all in right. Im just groovin, man, chill out. Whether trump is falling asleep or not, one thing is for sure. The courtroom sketch artist hates him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] she turned him into the hunchback of bloatra dame. [ laughter ] looks like his tongue is about to shoot out and get a fly. [ laughter ] i almost feel bad for trumps lawyers. Not only is he a Stubborn Mule who definitely isnt going to pay them when he loses, hes also i dont know how dumb the people who support him are, but pretty dumb. Today he tried to float the idea that because of the gag order, hes not allowed to testify. Im not allowed to testify, im under a gag order, i guess i cant testify. Im not allow the to testify because this judge is totally ked. Has me under an unconsciousal gag order. Nobodys ever had that before. Jimmy yeah, nobody still has had it, because you just made it up. [ laughter ] its obviously he can testify. He doesnt want to, because if he does, hell be eating little containers of dreamed corn in prison. [ laughter ] a gag order has nothing to do with whether he can testify. Watch his lawyer here, watch again. This guy is so scared of dopey mcgropey, he has to pretend this nonsense is true. Im not allowed to testify, im under a gag order, i guess. I cant testify. Jimmy right, right. [ laughter and applause ] youre under a gag order, please do not testify. Please do not ever speak again in my presence. [ laughter ] a gag order has nothing to do with whether or not a defendant can testify. It has to do with whether he can threaten and manipulate witnesses outside of court. But he knows that. He can make up any nonsense he wants, and the magaronis eat it up. And i know youll be extremely happy to know that the new biden policy is to let men into every girls bathroom. That sounds reasonable. Every bathroom, every locker room. Ladies, get ready, because the men are coming in. Jimmy thats right. Just like he did at the miss teen usa pageant. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] smellvis played shows in wisconsin and michigan yesterday. Where he fired up the crowd telling them everythings a disaster and america is dead. He rambles on and on, but sometimes he says something he likes so much, he feels the need to write it down. I got to get a pen. Lets go, yeah. Good, just throw it up here. Give me a pen. You think biden can bend down like that . I dont think so. Jimmy is that where were setting the bar for the presidency now . Can you pick up a pen . [ laughter ] this is literally something they ask you to do on a field sobriety test. [ laughter ] i bet thatll become part of his show. Do you guys wanna see me pick up a pen . [ cheers and applause ] i saaaiiid who wants to see me pick up a pen . [ cheers and applause ] you know, one thing about trump, he takes great pride in delivers his nonsense off the cuff. He is very critical of anyone who uses a teleprompter. There are always teleprompters. I say, take down the teleprompters. Its funny to watch joe biden getting and up reading a teleprompter. He wouldnt even think about thinking about it. Hes more worried, about, does he have a teleprompter . You votella prompter, you wing it in live events. Im watching what theyre doing with biden where hes using teleprompter. Hes always using a teleprompter. He only speaks with a teleprompter because thats the way it is. The guy cant speak without the teleprompter. Its lucky i dont needle la prompters like sleepy joe. Anybody who watches what i do at rallies would say, wow, thats amaz amazing. He can go two hours without a teleprompter, not even making a little mistake. Isnt it nice to have a president who doesnt need a teleprompter . I think any president , candidate that runs, should not be allowed to use a teleprompter. Jimmy all right. So then [ applause ] then yesterday in michigan, guess who had a little fit because his teleprompter was askew . Its good that i have a good memory, you know why . Because this teleprompter is facing you. Not me vr. This these teleprompters are just gonzo, folks, theyre gonzo. I hate to use the word folks. Cross out the word folks. You ever hear biden . Every other word is folks. Okay, folks. Its like a nervous habit. I dont use the word folks. Jimmy thats right. He has no folks left to give. But he doesnt use a teleprompter, thats the important thing. Trump gave us a lot to digest on the campaign trail yesterday, so we slowed him down to half speed for another water pressure edition of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing very slowly ] darling, i have beautiful hair. But i cant do anything. Because in the shower, the water doesnt come out. Darling, i want to get out of this house, i hate it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i guess thats why he rarely bathes. In arizona, the state Senate Finally voted to repeal their antiquated abortion law from 1864. Governor katie hobbs signed the official paperwork to repeal the law. Once the repeal goes into effect, abortion in arizona will be allowed, but only before 15 weeks. And with no exceptions for rape or incest. Which is progress. Progress from 1864 to 1964, but its progress. The bill to repeal passed 1614. Every democrat and two republicans voted for it. The republicans who voted for it were shawna bollick, who shared a story about her own abortion before attacking democrats and planned parenthood, and t. J. Shope, who is actually two kids in a suit and a cowboy hat. [ laughter and applause ] so, congratulations to women in arizona, maybe next year theyll let you drive. And then we have the soon to be former governor of south dakota, kristi noem. Who will forever be known as the woman who shot her own dog and bragged about it. She told the story of killing her dog, cricket, in her forthcoming memoir and was immediately denounced by both parties. Noem went on hannity last night to do damage control and turns out, you know whose fault this is . The fake news you know how the fake news works. They leave out some or most of the facts of a story. They put the worst spin on it. Thats whats happened in this case. I hope people really do buy this book and they find out the truth of this story. Jimmy they put the worst spin on it . You dragged a 14monthold puppy to a gravel pit, shot it in the head, then told everybody. You wrote it in your book. Thats not spinning. Thats reading. The reason its in the book is because this book is filled with tough, challenging decisions that i have to make throughout my life. I hope that people understand from this that what the point of the story is, is that most politicians, they will run from the truth. They will shy away and hide from making tough decisions. I dont do either of those. Jimmy no, no, what i do is i shoot puppies. [ laughter ] and if i have to eat some kittens, ill do that too, sean [ cheers and applause ] and one more thing. I feel like we lose the audience a little bit, we talk about the fact that she shot she really did shoot the dog, okay . Didnt make that up. Just finding snout thanks for watching. [ laughter ] one more thing before we forge ahead. It is thursday night, that means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. Its time for this week in unnecessary censorship. Now we have [ bleep ] jeffries. And the democrats. Coming out [ bleep ]ing mike johnson with a warm [ bleep ] and a big, wet, sloppy [ bleep ]. The moral of the story is, youre never i guess youre never too old to [ bleep ]. Shes on the defense after strong backlash about the governor [ bleep ]ing her dog. Cnns daniel dale, our resident [ bleep ], [ bleep ] who will lay down some facts here, some hard [ bleep ]s. Can [ bleep ] and. [ bleep ] it . You dont ask that, you just go in. My Vice President actually [ bleep ]ed. We were [ bleep ]ing this robot. In under a year since i incorporated the company. This robot is [ bleep ]ing my [ bleep ]. I dont think you can handle it. I dont think you can get your mouth around it. If youre not going to [ bleep ] youre a racist, arent you . Yes, yes. I call myself a housewife and a hustler because i well, im a housewife. And i [ bleep ] a lot of [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy weve got a fivestar show for you tonight. We have music for you tonight from gary clark jr. And Stevie Wonder. And well be right back with john mulaney. So stick around [ cheers and applause ] jimmy tonight, hes a grammywinning musician from austin, texas, who brought along a very special friend to play with him tonight. This is his album. Its called jpeg raw. Gary clark jr. And the incomparable Stevie Wonder from the don julio outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] Stevie Wonders never played on the show before. Guillermo no, this is the first time. Jimmy ive always wanted to have him on the show. Its great, its fantastic. Jimmy whats your favorite Stevie Wonder song, guillermo . I just called to say i love you [ cheers and applause ] jimmy not the best one, its just not. Its the wrong answer. Guillermo okay, all right. Jimmy weve got a great week next week, too, with guests including chris pine, josh brolin, jon stewart will be here, luke bryan will be here, mike birbiglia, nikki glaser, bert kreischer, chris perfetti, and david beckham. As musical guests we have incubus, sarah day, and cage the elephant. Too many guests, were going to have to kick people out. [ cheers and applause ] our guest tonight is an exceptionally welldressed comede wan with a live show for a limited time only, starting tomorrow night at 7 00 pacific and every night next week. The show is called everybody is in l. A. You can see it on netflix. Please welcome john mulaney. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy no one comes out faster than you. [ laughter ] i said your name, suddenly you were on me like a they were actually holding me back. Not a joke. Josh was holding me back. Jimmy youre like a free safety or something here. Im just so excited. Jimmy its good to have you here, im excite to have had you here. Its nice to see you, man. Jimmy how are you . Im very good, how are you . Jimmy its a big week, youve got a lot going on. Theres a lot going on. Jimmy the last time you were here, you were here promoting your very funny special on netflix, baby jay. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy which went on to win the emmy, which is fantastic. I i yeah, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] that was very cool. Jimmy and i wonder and the critics choice. [ laughter ] jimmy and the critics choice. Anything else . No, no globe nomination. But lets see. Jimmy peoples choice . Nomination maybe . Did you all youre the people, did you [ cheers and applause ] no, i dont think i got that. Jimmy what was the reaction . Like, did people want to talk to you about it . Because it wasnt your usual comedy special, just kind of like a series of jokes. There were stories there, really kind of personal stories. There were stories about theish issues had with drug addict addiction, my time in rehab. People liked it as a comedy special, but people would come up to me how human to human abo. I think what was poignant to me, this was recently, i was leaving my house here in l. A. And my neighbor, luis, came and moknocd on the window of my car. Hey, luis, how you doing . He goes, i finally watched your special. Thank you for watching. He goes, its okay. [ laughter ] then he said, but man, ive got cocaine stories. [ laughter ] that are better than yours. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy well, maybe then he gave me a big bag of lemons. [ laughter ] jimmy he did . Yeah, do you have a lemon guy on your street . Jimmy no, lemon guy on my block, no. Anyone who has the best lemon tree, if you hit it off with them, they should bring you a big bag of lemons. Jimmy we have our own lemon tree, im going to start giving lemons to comedians. Do coyotes eat your lemons . Jimmy do coyotes eat lemons . Coyotes love a twist of lemon. When i stayed in your guesthouse after my life fell apart jimmy that was you . [ laughter ] we called the police. I came in id done a show at the troubadour. I come in late. And i knew the code, you gave me the code. And i go in there. You had a big possum in front of your guesthouse. It scared the [ bleep ] out of me. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. Theyre scary, but theyre not so scary gl theyre harmless, the possums, but terrifying. The scariest harmless i dont know, theyre harmful. Jimmy do you think there are any animals that look that are as harmless and also as scary . Because i think thats the scariest harmless animal. I thats a great question. You know, no. [ laughter ] dont they just look like florida if it became an animal . [ laughter ] just a lot of florida. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy they do, yeah. You know, i watched you were on with David Letterman. David letterman does a show on netflix called, my next guest needs no introduction. Yes. Jimmy just to start with, being asked to be on a show called that is an honor, i think. A huge honor. Deeply surreal. Jimmy its David Letterman. Yeah. Jimmy i watched it like at midnight when it came out. You did . Thanks. Jimmy i tested you right after. I was excited to see it. I wanted to you told me a little bit about it. I was excited to see it. It was great. It was really, like, great, but also, like just had to be so strange. It was strange the whole time. [ laughter ] i have this weird theory. Like, ive talked to you before, the theory that y2k really happened. I sometimes think i sometimes think, like, did i die a couple years ago . And this is like a weird, nice heaven . You know. Where David Letterman wants to hang out with me . And thats a show and its on tv . Jimmy it wasnt just an interview. It was an interview, but also we spent two days together, three days, sorry. We went to my high school. Which, by the way, is like like the worst like the like, angry, pi isssedoff, skaloving side of me. When i was graduating from high school i thought to myself, im never coming back to this place unless its with a camera crew following me and ive got