The ref at least ten times. But in the end, he was still the ref. No harm, no foul. Next thing you know, theyll say its a crime to attempt murder. Attempted murder is a crime. News to me. For all of us at cbs news sports boom goes the democracy. Anner its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, mulling mueller. Plus, stephen welcomes Jeff Goldblum and aisha tyler, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo thanks, everybody please have a seat very nice delightful. What a lovely group of people here tonight. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Everyone is still talking. cheers and applause everybody out there is still talking about former special counsel Robert Muellers appearance on capitol hill, six hours of testimony. It was so long that by the end we all felt as old as Robert Mueller looked. laughter and at the hearings, mueller confirmed that the president of the United States was not as trump totally exonerated. laughter mueller also agreed that trump obstructed the investigation multiple times, russia tampered with the election in trumps favor, and that the president welcomed that help, lied about welcoming it and encouraged others to lie about it. In short, boring laughter i assume it must have been because the critics have decided, and theyre panning muellers performance. Look at these headlines New York Times the blockbuster that wasnt mueller disappoints the democrats. Ap mueller hearing makes for less than compelling tv drama. And hes only got 35 on rotten tomatoes. laughter yeah. And the tv people said, yeah. There were times in the hearing when he was sharp as a tack, but we cant avoid the fact that there were times in the hearing when he was not. Gosh, i kind of felt sorry for him. He definitely was not on his game. He seemed lost at times. He was confused at times. He seemed unsteady. Persistently seemed. Old. laughter jon wow. Unbelievable. Stephen and if weve learned one thing from watching movies Like Star Wars and lord of the rings, its that we should always ignore the dire warnings of the old guy. laughter this is a critical moment in our democracy, so of course our faithful journalists are focused on what really matters and thats ratings, baby pretty close to a dud, erica. About 13 Million Viewers tuned in. If you compare that to james comey and his explosive testimony two years ago, that had more than 20 Million Viewers. Brett kavanaugh the day that Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey ford both testified during the day last fall. 20 Million Viewers. Stephen you cant determine the value of muellers testimony by ratings if that were the case, then Avengers Endgame would be president of the United States. cheers and applause at least it would be nice. It might be nice. Id go for that. At least thanos cares about the environment. laughter hes got some plan. laughter i dont want a government that cares about ratings, because we already have that with donald trump if viewers were the only thing congress cared about, then they would have made it. Mueller. After dark. laughter ooh, bobby three sticks is back, ladies and gentlemen, and this time, hes got a few more things in his purview and i promise he will get into that laughter heres the thing. Robert kind of liked how dark it was. applause piano riff heres the thing Robert Mueller didnt come to congress to entertain us. Hes like a doctor, reminding us that the tests came back positive and our country has a terminal illness, and were like yeah, you told us about it like three months ago, doc. laughter plus, i want to point out that when you tried to say tumor, you said tubler. so weak laughter i know half of the family asked you ce ba so i would take the diagnosis seriously so we could take action while theres still time to save my life. But look at your tie, grampa, its got a gravy stain. You know what i think . I think we should have an investigation into how you even found that tubler. And for that matter, why are you using a cat scan on a human . Oh, god, ow, ow cheers and applause laughter scene. cheers and applause one thing that everyone agrees that mueller was passionate about is the fact that the russians did hack our election, and theyre going to do it again if we dont do something quick. So immediately after the hearings, Senate Republicans blocked two Election Security bills and a cybersecurity measure. What . No, what are you doing . booing . Thats like if robbers knocked your door down and ransacked your house, so your response is, ive learned my lesson. Next time no doors laughter republicans decided to block a law that would force campaigns to alert the f. B. I. And federal Election Commission about foreign offers of assistance, because they didnt want to federalize the elections. No, theyre going to stick with kremlinizing them. laughter but the president did put out this election p. S. A. On what you should do if a Foreign Government offers to help your campaign i dont think in my whole life ive ever called the f. B. I. In my whole life. You dont call the f. B. I. Oh, let me call the f. B. I. Give me a break. laughter cheers and applause stephen good to know. Its a public service. Public service announcement. Today, the president welcomed his newly confirmed defense secretary, mark esper, with a special ceremony at the pentagon, and the president gushed about espers credentials mark attended the United States military academy at west point, graduated in 1986. He was awarded the bronze star and the combat infantroopen badge. laughter stephen infantroopen . What is infantroopen . That sounds like the name of a German Police unit comprised of little babies. laughter deploy das infantroopen fur dem kinderblitz laughter applause i should stop. I dont want to give him any ideas. I dont want to give the president ideas. Trump continued. Or tried to he has worked in both houses of congress, advising larmarkers. laughter stephen hes probably just tired from being up all night gloating about muellers bad reviews, but if i were you mr. President , i wouldnt celebrate too early. Remember, no man is above the lawr. The lawr. laughter piano riff so, trumps in a good mood. But president ial lawyer Rudy Giuliani warned that the mueller saga might not be over yet. Its not quite over yet. That hand is going to come up again one or two times and were going to have to push it down, but basically the body the body was buried today. Stephen wow, he does a really, really convincing zombie impression. laughter he even came dressed as an undead corpse. laughter but, hang on a sec, can we get another look at rudy, jim . What the hell happened to his hair . Rudys a redhead now laughter still mostly head. Rudy clearly spruced up his sidefringe with a box of just for rudy because no one else really wants to look like this. laughter cheers and applause that is hes always been grey, right . applause give me another taste, jim. Just wow just red on the sides. He looks like business casual bozo. laughter as giuliani look, forget supercuts. I saved five bucks by getting my hair done at the mortician. He calls this one, the open casket. laughter we have an update on a story from earlier this week. You might remember, President Trump spoke to a group of conservative teens at the turning point u. S. A. Student summit or as the kids call it, tpuss. laughter do they call it that . They dont call it that . They should. They should call it that. Well, since then, folks have looked a little closer at the footage of trump speaking and they spotted a problem. Turns out, trump delivered his speech in front of a fake president ial seal. Lets look at this thing. The eagle has two heads instead of one, which might look familiar, because thats the russian coat of arms audience reacts and the eagles left talons, rather than 13 arrows, its holding a set of golf clubs. And in the right talons, rather than an olive branch, its holding a wad of cash. And in the place where the president shouldve been, there was an orange doofus. Now, the graphic cheers and applause jon hey stephen hey jon hey stephen nice to see ya the graphic seems to be lifted from an antitrump website, which replaces the normal latin banner that reads E Pluribus Unum with one that reads 45 es un titere, which in spanish translates to 45 is a puppet. applause then again then again cheers and applause trump cant be expected to know spanish, but its something our future president beto orourke wouldve known instantly. laughter i love that trump entered a room full of teenagers and got trolled that hard. as trump im telling you, the teens, they love me. They invited me to join the pen15 club. laughter turns out, this wasnt a practical joke by the teens, it was just pure, uncut stupid by his staff. Because a spokesman for the organizers said the fake seal was the result of a rushed online search. audience reacts because a spokesman for the uh uh sorry i kept looking for the president ial seal, but all i could find is a Supreme Court walrus. laughter this is a major blunder. As one former bush staffer put it, to let someone project something on the screen that isnt controlled by the white house is pretty stupid. Yeah, pretty stupid. But at least they didnt forget to play hail to the chief Benny Hill Yakety Sax cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Jeff goldblum is here but when we return meanwhile stick around Benny Hill Yakety Sax stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm i mean, if you havent thought abfrankly, youre missing out. Uh. The mobile app makes it easy to manage your policy, even way out here. Your marshmallows. 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Because sandwich. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody, right over there with the great Valerie Simpson joining us again tonight unbelievable cheers and applause again tonight were blessed to have the great Valerie Simpson here again tonight. Thanks you so much for being here. Nice to see you again, thank you. Adding magic to our evening. Good to see you. Jon, you know who else is joining us tonight is our old friend Jeff Goldblum is going to be out here in just a minute. cheers and applause jon love him, great stephen heres the thing, were in the middle of a goldblumissance right now. Theres so much Jeff Goldblum. But heres whats worrying me, im not sure were husbanding our Jeff Goldblum resources responsibly. Because, if you want Jeff Goldblum, if you want that Jeff Goldblum feeling, you have to go to the source, which is Jeff Goldblum, but its a limited resource, you know . Jon right, right. Stephen i think we should get Jeff Goldblum in a captive breeding program. Jon oh, like cloning him. Stephen however he wants to do it. He can clone or go au naturale, but we have to get more Jeff Goldblums, because i dont want to frighten you, but in the entire world were down to just one Jeff Goldblum at this point. Its too dangerous. Its just too damn get on that, now. Folks, you know i spend a lot of time over there, standing on stage, harvesting the juiciest news fruit to make you the beautiful edible arrangement that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to take the leftover cantaloupe and honey dew rinds of news, toss them out back with some egg shells, avocado skins, coffee grounds, and grass clippings, then watch as thermophilic bacteria make the pile fester into a warm compost heap that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause you always learn something meanwhile, you always learn something with meanwhile, and the people know it. Meanwhile, bad news for netflix in the last quarter, the streaming service lost subscribers in the u. S. For the First Time Since launching its streaming service, which caused their stock to lose more than 24 billion in value in six days. audience reacts yeah. Traditionally, losing that much money takes longer, but wall street decided to binge. laughter meanwhile, the meatless meat craze is sweeping the nation, and its about to breach the final frontier folks, because plantbased meat Company Beyond meat is developing meatless bacon. audience reacts bacon that doesnt have meat . Whats next, hot dogs that do have meat . laughter cheers and applause meanwhile meanwhile, the recently bankrupt toysrus is coming back, but with a different approach. New locations will be smaller, and the presentation will be far more experiential and interactive. And in a nod to the financial demise they just returned from, the Flagship Store will feature jeffrey the giraffe lying in state. audience reacts jon oh, man oh stephen hey. Jon hey. Stephen hey. Jon oh, oh. Stephen he said he didnt want to grow up. laughter piano riff my staff and i had a debate about whether i should do that joke. Im not sure who just won. laughter cheers and applause i dont want to grow up. Stephen meanwhile, an amazon Delivery Driver was caught pooping in a customers garden. Ugh, i hate it when they dont leave the delivery at the door. laughter no one told me not to do that joke. laughter meanwhile, Supreme CourtJustice Ruth Bader ginsburg continues cheers and applause continues to be become smaller and more concentrated. laughter in an interview this week, she took a moment to laugh in the face of one of her critics there was a senator, i think it was after my pancreatic cancer, who announced with great glee that i was going to be dead within six months. That senator, whose name i have forgotten, is now himself dead. laughter and i am very much alive. Stephen wow wow cheers and applause that was ruthless laughter now we know why she works out so much. So she can dance on your grave. laughter cheers and applause meanwhile, pabst blue ribbon is introducing a new coffeebeer hybrid that theyre calling hard coffee. laughter putting alcohol in your coffee . If h. R. Is listening, thats the first time ive ever heard of such a thing. laughter mmm. Oooh, smooth. Smooth. laughter so, why do this . According to the people over at p. B. R. , pabst blue ribbon has always been a brand that pushes boundaries and celebrates those who experiment and try new things. laughter im not so sure if this is new. People have been vomiting for centuries. laughter meanwhile, some footage went viral today from denver, colorado, where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. laughter which i believe is the most denver thing i have ever said. Take a look take a look at the bearijuana thief in action. There he is checking out the dumpster. And there he goes. Out the door laughter you know what . Maybe hes not stealing it. Hes like, guys, its tuesday night. This is supposed to be out by the curb. laughter its bulky waste. By the way, workers at the weed store see the bear so regularly, theyve nicknamed it cheeseburger. laughter though im pretty sure workers at a weed store nickname everything cheeseburger. laughter well be right back with Jeff Goldblum. The one and only cheers and applause band playing boots up as fast as 6 seconds when youre running late . At whispers its switching time or how about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours . Order up now were cooking. 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