around you. i want to be the toughest of the tough. so for me, having my inside little kernel of my femininity, it was like i've heard people say before i escape in hypermasculinity. i've heard that term thrown around and i kind of look back and go yeah, i didn't know what i was doing. i didn't know the term hypermasculinity. i didn't know anything. but it's more of those layers being put on. and that is a huge thick layer. >> so there was part of you that felt if you could become a s.e.a.l. and be in the toughest of the tough, that feminine side of you would disappear? >> yes. i could totally make it go away. if i could be at the top level and be -- maybe it would go away. maybe i could cure myself. >> you really thought that? >> yes. i think that's probably just the society pressure and family pressure and everything else. >> did you like being a s.e.a.l.? >> yes. it's amazing.