Stephen whats going on . Jon i see you i see you stephen thank you so much, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. Guess whos back . Hillary clinton. cheers and applause just this afternoon, she she emerged from the woods. Just this afternoon, she appeared here in new york at an event hosted by women for women international. And the moderator, christiane amanpour, interviewed secretary clinton and asked her about the 2016 campaign. What do you imagine your election as the first female president of the United States might have said to the world and to the women of the world who were looking for validation, for somebody to shatter that highest and hardest ceiling . Oh, i think it would have been a really big deal. And i think that um. applause stephen yeah, it would have been a big deal. laughter but if ifs and buts were clusters of nuts, donald trump wouldnt be president. Christine amanpour spoke about sexism. Youve just spoken eloquently about the sexism, the misogyny and inequity around the world, but do you believe it exists here still . And do you think laughter stephen asking Hillary Clinton if sexism exists is like asking Serena Williams if shes heard of this tennis thing. Shes aware of the situation. But the big news of the interview was that Hillary Clinton explained why she thinks she lost. But i was on the way to winning until the combination of jim comeys letter on october 28 and russian wikileaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me ask yourself this within an hour or two of the hollywood access tape being made public, the russian theft of John Podestas emails hit wikileaks. What a coincidence. So, i mean, you just cant make this stuff up. Stephen actually, you can make up whatever you want. Have you met our current president . He just hes like hes like cheers and applause hes like stephen king. But hillary may have accidentally revealed why she really lost. You know, if the election had been on october 27th, id be your president. And it wasnt. It was on october 28. Stephen no, it was on november 8th, maam. That explains everything. Well, october 29 is here and i am not president. Well, i guess ill just stop campaigning in michigan and wisconsin thats my impression of hillary, by the way. I would have worked on it more if i knew she was going to be back. laughter but at the end of the day, Hillary Clinton knows it wasnt comey or putin or ken bone remember that guy . She knows whos actually to blame for her loss. I take absolute personal responsibility. I was the candidate. I was the person who was on the ballot, and i am very aware of, you know, the challenges, the problems, the, you know, the shortfalls that we had. Stephen so she made mistakes, publicly recognized them, and owned up to her shortcomings. No wonder she lost. Thats totally unpresident ial. But ill say this, the president ial campaign was so brutal remember, long, brutal . One of the nice things about having trump in office is knowing that its all behind us. The countdown to 2020 is already on. Today, President Trump out with his First Campaign ad, the earliest one that has ever aired in a first term. laughter applause cheers and applause laughter stephen kill me. laughter now, listen, this is very important. I have a message for our president no new elections until you finish your wars. laughter now keep in mind, this is really a campaign ad. When i first saw this, i said, you have to be kidding. It was an Actual Campaign ad put out by donald j. Trump for president. Lets take a look. Donald trump, sworn in as president 100 days ago. Stephen okay, quick fact check on the first sentence. The ad came out yesterday, which means trump was sworn in to office 102 days ago. Or as trump would put it my first 100 days had more days than any other president. laughter we packed them in. Extra, okay . We sprinkled a few on top. Thats comp. Were comping those last two days. laughter they did manage to fit all of trumps accomplishments into the 15 seconds. A respected Supreme Court justice confirmed. Companies investing in american jobs again. America becoming more energy independent. Regulations that kill American American jobs eliminated. The biggest tax cut plan in history. Stephen see what he did there . They didnt say it was the biggest tax cut in history. They said it was the biggest tax plan cut in history. Anyone can do that watch i plan to cut everybodys taxes to 0 . There, now i, stephen colbert, have the biggest tax cut plan in history. Youre welcome, theoretically. laughter still, donald trump seems to think donald trump has done a lot. So why havent i heard a lot about it . You wouldnt know it from watching the news. Stephen oh, yeah, you wouldnt know it from the fake news like the New York Times and the boston globe, which only get quoted in leftwing propaganda like this commercial. laughter okay, were almost done. Brace yourself. Bring it home, trump ad. America is winning, and President Trump is making America Great again. Im donald trump, and i approve this message. Stephen wow. Could we see that heroic final pose . Could we see that again, jim . Wow, not only is he president. I think hes turning into he man. By the power of numbskull cheers and applause well, he is the president of the United States, god bless him. And President Trump had an official call with putin today. I hear the call was tense, but lets face it. Thats how performance reviews usually go. laughter according to reports, according to reports, the two discussed the prospect of coordinating russian and u. S. Action. Oh, i think youve been coordinating for a while. According to the kremlin, when discussing north korea, the president of russia called for restraint and an easing of tensions. You know things are bad when putin is the voice of restraint. Eh, donald make you could cool it with the tweets. It comes off as a little crazy. applause meanwhile here in america, the putin fans. A lot of putin fans here tonight. laughter meanwhile here in america, the republicans in congress are attempting to repeal and replace obamacare again, but even though theyve made another big push, theyre on the verge of losing the health care vote. Again . Its like losing this vote is some kind of preexisting condition with these guys. laughter moderate republicans are not voting for trumpcare because while it technically covers pre existing conditions, it also allows states to apply for waivers that could greatly change the cost and quality of that coverage. So if youve got a preexisting condition, you can technically get health care. You just might not be able to afford it. Like how i can technically hire Bruce Springsteen to play my birthday party, but i can only afford brice stringstone. laughter i love him. I love it when he plays thunder load. laughter but yesterday, alabama representative mo brooks explained that trumpcare is just making insurance fairer. My understanding is that it will allow Insurance Companies to require people who have Higher Health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool that helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives. Theyre healthy. You know, they have done the things to keep their bodies healthy. And right now those are the people who have done things the right way that are seeing their costs skyrocketing. Stephen so hes saying good people are healthy and bad people get sick. Well, thats why brooks is going to put this on his tombstone i had it coming. Youre not alive. You must have done something. What did you do . What did you do . Something. And trumps not just trying to undo obamacare. Hes also trying to undo obamalunch, because his administration is rolling back Michelle Obamas push for healthier school lunches. Audience boo stephen you could tell this was going to happen when they replaced her white house vegetable garden with a nacho bar. That looked good. You guys remember last month when trump ordered a missile strike on a Syrian Air Base . It was the most violent assault on a runway not ordered by united airlines. applause it all it all friendly skies. It all went down while trump was dining at maralago with the president of china enjoying what trump described as the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that youve ever seen. Which is why the missions code name was operation dessert storm. laughter could be a misspelling. Could be a misspelling. applause well, we just got new details from commerce secretary and jeff dunham puppet gone rogue, wilbur ross. laughter secretary ross was speaking at a conference yesterday and joked that the airstrike was in lieu of afterdinner entertainment. Really . What was the planned after dinner entertainment . Busboys fighting in the thunderdome . Steve bannon unhinging his jaw and swallowing Reince Priebus feet first . And ross continued his White Collar Comedy tour, saying, the thing was, it didnt cost the president anything to have that entertainment. Now, technically, yes, the missile strike was 82 million. But remember, thats funded by taxpayers. So, yeah, it didnt cost donald trump a dime. Or did it . Well never know. Oh, what else . Trump wants to be able to sue the press. He wants to be able to take lawsuits out against people who say things about him. In march, trump tweeted, the of course, trump himself would never engage in libel. Just ask crooked hillary or lyin ted. Theres only one problem with changing the libel laws as Jonathon Karl pointed out to Reince Priebus on last weeks this week. Change the libel laws. That would require, as i understand it, a constitutional amendment. Is he really going to pursue that . Is that something he wants to pursue . I think its something that weve looked at. Stephen they want to get rid of the First Amendment . Stop the presses seriously, stop the presses. And i can confirm that the administration is looking into change the First Amendment because i have trumps rewritten version of the constitution right here cheers and applause slow that down. Slow that down a little. Oh, trump also has an interesting take on the third amendment here. applause and this surprised me. This next one surprise me a lot. Trump wants to change the Second Amendment to we have a great show for you tonight. Amy schumer is here. 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The vets 1 choice. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band cheers and applause stephen now, jon, jon, obviously, like me, im sure when you get home the first thing you do is sit around and wait for our show to come on so you can watch it, right . Jon yeah, i sit down at the piano, turn on the tv, and watch. Stephen last night was one of the rare times i did not just watch our show. I also watched our dear friend jimmy kimmel. I just want to say to anybody out there, if you havent seen jimmys monologue last night about his child who was worn with a heart defect, and they had to have surgery, and the first surgery has been successful, and thankfully his son, billy, is home with him and his wife. Please go watch it. Its an absolutely beautiful, heartfelt story, and its a call for all people to have access to the same Quality Health care because it is a basic human need and an aspect of our dignity as citizens of the United States. And. cheers and applause it was beautiful. Youre a beautiful man. Im so glad that billy is at home and resting with his mom and anyway, check it out, you guys. Also, next week, i hope youll check out one week from tonight we have a very special show because im coming up on my 20th anniversary of having started on the daily show. cheers and applause 20 years i dont i dont look it laughter i think it was june 2 of 1997. I remember that it was the first day. But were not doing a show that week, so next week, a week from today, a bunch of my old buddies from the daily show are going to be on here, and were going to were going to reminisce, were going to talk, were going to have fun. Were going to do some comedy about all those great times we had together. So im looking forward to it. cheers and applause theyre really talented. Speaking of incredibly talented, my first guest is the incredibly talented comedian behind trainwreck and inside amy schumer. She now stars in snatched. Do you want to do something tonight, like, something crazy, or like do something amazing . Yeah, im sure we can rustle up some adventure tonight. Yes. Yeah. laughter stephen please welcome amy schumer cheers and applause oh, boy jon batiste. Stephen oh, yeah. Nobody like him. Nobody like him. Hi stephen hey, listen, this is the second time weve seen each energy about 24 hours. Thank god. Stephen we saw each other last night at the fabulous met goola. You were the bell of the ball. Stephen was i . You were best dressed. Stephen no, you were. Look at this thing. Wow what an out fit. Stephen amy, who are we wearing in this photograph . We are wearing zac posen. Stephen we love zach. Welove zach on the late show you actually let me touch it. I know. Stephen i think you insisted that i touch it. I may have threatened you to touch it, right. Stephen its like leather and armor at the same time. It has scales. I dont know, dude, but ill tell you what, home girl was sweating. Why cant we be comfortable at that thing . I get it stephen is this one of the things you wear if youre trying to make weight for the wrestling team. Spit in a cup all day before you weighin. Thats what they do for actresses, your weight not me. Stephen thats the fanciest thing you go to, right, because everybody is in the fanciest dress possible. Its in a fancy location. Yeah stephen they close the bar so early. I know, whats that about i had to go home early and black out on my own. Stephen got to take care of the sister doing for herself. You are also, speaking of style. Yes stephen this is all show and tell here tonight. Youre also on the cover of in sciel right there. Wow honk, honk. Why are the pages stuck together . laughter stephen the perfume samples. They bleed. They bleed. Yeah stephen now you said you said i think you absolutely look beautiful on this cover. You said you received backlash in the past when it comes to swimsuit photos . Whats the deal . No, it wasnt really you dont have stephen just trying to put some asses in the seat. Okay, sure, guys, tune in, tune in. In every interview ive been doing to promote snatched, the journalists will be like so your body, like, whats the plan . Im serious. Stephen what do you mean . I mean, they talk about it im in a bathing suit in this movie. Theres nudity. I feel good about my body. I think other people need to work on how they feel. Im good. But they talk to me like i need to be buttered to fit through a door. Im like i can walk right through a door. Stephen is that in the movie because thats oh, no. Keeper cheape stephen as someone who is like a bit of a fashionista now you are. What stephen youre on the cover of style magazine. Whatever they slap me into but im very grateful. Stephen do you get free stuff. Do you get people send this stuff and, wear this thing because wed be happy. Totally. And i didnt have any money growing up, so im still really grateful to get free stuff. This past winter canada goose gave me a coat. Stephen oh, those are great. Yeah, super warm. And was psyched. It was my favorite, it was like. Free. laughter applause i was like mmm free. So i wore it. I got photographed in it because of paparazzi loves this. laughter im like what do you want. This is what youre going to get. Anyway, i was doing an event to promote my book, and these picketers came in and theyre like real yelly. And i was like lets communicate. But they dont want to do that. It was pictures of me in the coat. And theyre like, canada goose is murdered stephen canada goose is murdered. They dont kill the geese. Ut of no but to make the hoods they kill coyotes. Yeah. I was like oh, my god. If i made a list of the animals i care about more than coyotes laughter it would be a list of every animal. laughter i dont care. You know, i was like, i dont care. Stephen theyll come for your dog the coyotes. I know. Im like whatever. You cant make somebody care about coyotes if they dont. Stephen the roadrunner doesnt. No, the roadrunner would be psyched. Are you serious . I was like peta, i promised i would never wear fur again