not understood how instantaneously things can change, and how suddenly just in an instant life is gone and that you go from a moment of just this extraordinary beauty to this extraordinary horror and terror and ugliness. >> it flipped me into a different sort of consciousness about where i was in the world. suddenly i wasn't just in my apartment and some neighborhood in new york city. suddenly was witnessing some colossal, terrifying process of being in the world. >> i guess maybe now getting this off my chest i'm a little more willing to talk about