what shocks me now is that i could have lived 54 years and not understood how instantaneously things can change and how suddenly, just in an instant, life is gone and you go from a moment from just this extraordinary beauty to this extraordinary horror and terror and ugliness. >> it flipped me into a different sort of consciousness about where i was in the world. suddenly, i wasn't just in my apartment in new york city. suddenly, i was witnessing some colossal, terrifying process of being in the world. >> i guess maybe now getting this off my chest, i'm a little bit more willing to talk about things and to face what