Transcripts For WRC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 2

WRC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon May 12, 2017

And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 673 brunei. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, come on. Hi, everybody. Welcome. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Welcome everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it, baby. This is the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] you made it. Thank you for being here. Well, heres what pe all talking about. Of course, the big story still trump firing fbi director, james comey. And it turns out comey had six years left on his tenyear term. Yeah. That story again. Its easier get out of your fbi contract than it is your at t contract. [ laughter and applause ] its much easier. I still cant. And in the middle of all this, trump met with Russian Foreign minister yesterday. The Russian Foreign minister. Yeah. And the white house says russia tricked them by posting photos of the meeting. Got suspicious when the photographer told trump, okay now to silly one when you hold up nuclear codes. [ laughter ] its the nuclear code. You need show me springtime. Show me springtime. [ laughter ] what . Show me springtime . Comeys just the latest senior official trump has fired and get this, he just released a a list of other people he wishes he could fire and his reasons why. Steve really . Jimmy yeah, for example, trump wants to fire steve bannon. Yeah. He said he just found out hes not after the guy who makes the yogurt. Lame. Dannon. Steve dannon with a d. Jimmy not dannon. Steve dannon, jimmy next, trump wants to fire ryan seacrest. [ laughter ] he said im creating tons of jobs, he keeps taking them all. [ laughter and applause ] he does a lot of jobs. Steve hes got a point. Jimmy and finally, trump wants to fire kim kardashian. He said, she stole my duck face look. And i go, well thats [ laughter and applause ] you invented that . Show me springtime. [ light laughter ] this made me laugh. This week, mike pence was speaking at a white house event and there were a lot of kids there. They didnt seem too interested in what pence had to say, but take a look at this. We have the great privilege of of having a son and a a daughterinlaw who are serving our country. Our son is in the United States marine corps and [ laughter ] please, calm down. Calm down. [ laughter ] jimmy thats pretty much a a Cabinet Meeting at the white house. Thats what happens. [ cheers and applause ] excuse me, excuse me. Some tv news, it so the next season of scandal will be its last. Yeah, abc is ending scandal. Fortunately the white house picked it up for four more seasons. [ laughter and applause ] so dont worry about it. We got enough. You guys, mothers day is this weekend. Thats right. [ cheers and applause ] happy mothers day to all the moms out there. I saw that a strip club in las vegas is offering a dinner special. [ laughter ] when asked what they do for fathers day, the stripper said, what are fathers . [ laughter ] steve wow. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, youre shocked and now you like it. Its okay. Steve come on. Guys, finally i read that blue cross is partnering with lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs 600. The drivers are specially trained and its just an ambulance. They clearly we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, everybody. We have a great show tonight. She stars with Robert De Niro in the new Bernie Madoff movie the wizard of lies, Michelle Pfeiffer is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] steve come on jimmy Michelle Pfeiffer. Plus we are so excited, twin peaks is coming back on showtime. The star of that series, Kyle Maclachlan, is stopping by. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy michelle, kyle and i are playing a game of password later on in the show. Be sure to stick around for that. Plus we have great standup tonight from mark normand, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy mark normand. Very, very funny guy. He has a special steve does he really . Jimmy on Comedy Central that i think amy schumer is presenting. Steve oh, good. Jimmy yeah, absolutely. Guys, its time for tonight show hashtags. Here we go. Hashtags jimmy hey guys, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to respond to that topic. So since mothers day is this sunday, i sent out a hashtag called, mom quotes. And i asked you guys to send us funny, weird or embarrassing things that your moms have said. We got a huge response. In fact, within 30 minutes, it was a trending topic in the u. S. So thank you. [ cheers and applause ] and now i thought id share some of my favorite mom quotes from you guys. Here we go. This first one is from martycheddar. He says, my mom always forgets movie titles. Her favorite movies is youve got mail. But ive heard her call it, you have internet. [ laughter and applause ] this one is from rachelle1101. She says. Instead of l. O. L. , my mom will text, otah which, according to her, standing for oh, thats a a hoot. Steve oh, thats a hoot. Jimmy oh, thats a hoot. Otah. Steve otah. Jimmy otah. Oh, that is a hoot. Steve thats two hoots. Jimmy thats a tootle. Tootles. Steve tooter. Jimmy otah. Otah, i think it can catch on. Thats good. This one is from elenagendron. She says, my mom used to whistle at old men in public. When they turned shed elbow me and say stop that. [ laughter and applause ] steve thats the best. Jimmy thats a pretty good bit. Steve how rude of you. Jimmy this next ones from mistyfox. She says, one morning my mom asked me if i took a goober home the night before. After thinking about it, i said, mom, do you mean uber . [ laughter and applause ] did you take a goober home again . Yeah, i guess i did. Jimmy this one is from kaitbly17. She says, my mom said to me, tell your brother he needs to stop with the playboy. He was 7. She meant gameboy. [ laughter and applause ] gameboy. Steve oh, thats a hoot. J this ones from madisonbellis10. She says, my mom once said to me, i dont want my instagram to be private because i want my haters to know whats up. [ laughter ] steve yeah. Whoa. Boing. [ applause ] [ light laughter ] jimmy this ones from natehoot. Steve thats a hoot. Jimmy oh, thats a hoot. Thats a real hoot. Otah. Steve otah to the max. Jimmy otah. Steve haters gonna hate, hooters gonna hoot. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy you got it. Steve higgins, there he is. Love you, buddy. Love you, man, love you. Steve higgins, everybody. Steve higgins. Three years in the business. Hey, youre back. Steve not a hoot out there. Jimmy yeah. This one is from natehoot. He says, every time i email my mom something with a link in it, she immediately calls and asks, will this destroy my computer . [ applause ] no, im your son, im not going to try to destroy your not purposefully trying to destroy your computer, mom. Parents just dont understand computers. Am i going to be like this . Steve yeah. Something with the glob glip. You dont even know what it is yet. Hasnt been invented. Jimmy its not even invented yet, yeah. I try to facetime with my family. My mom and dad, they dont understand. They dont know where the cameras aimed. Its going up their nose . What . Where are you . What . I cant see me. Youre not supposed to. Dont even worry about you. [ light laughter ] look at the kids. Where am i . Where are you . No, youre home. [ laughter ] im taping cardboard over the camera. They can see you. No ones trying to spy on you, dad. [ laughter ] take my secret recipe. Yeah, right. Breaking into your hard drive, please. This ones from from peachesk1974. She says, my mom referrs to jon bon jovi as jovi bon jovi. [ laughter and applause ] steve come on. Jimmy not bad. Steve not bad. Thats jovi bon jovi. Jimmy this ones from from thelordhasspoke. [ laughter ] steve try to ignore those tweets. Jimmy he says growing up my mom would often say if you kids didnt cost so much i could drink wine that comes out of a a bottle. [ cheers and applause ] absolute drink, i love it. Box wine, man. Steve big old box wine. Like in a refrigerator. Jimmy nothing wrong with it man. Steve like in a a refrigerator box. Jimmy nothing wrong with it. Yeah, exactly. This ones from zawackanator. Steve zawackato nickname in college . Steve it was. That was before twitter. [ laughter ] jimmy how many steps did you have on your fitbit . Steve 30,000. [ laughter ] 30,000 when im wearing it on my right hand. Jimmy 30,000 and you havent left the room yet. Ekp steve when on m none. Like zero. [ laughter ] jimmy there he is. Get out of here. I love you, man. Here we go. Were down to our last one. Its the last one here, everybody. This one is from brygreenspan she says, my mom sent me a text saying i love you with a poop emoji at the end of it. I asked why she sent the emoji. She said, i thought it was a a hersheys kiss. [ laughter ] there you have it. The tonight show hashtags. Happy mothers day, moms. Check out more of our favorites go to tonightshow. Com hashtags. Well be righa Kyle Maclachlan. Come on back. [ cheers and applause ] all 10 seasons in one sitting. That was amazing. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Hawe got you this. oh, boys. And i got you this. Edible arrangements for mothers day. Order in store or online. This isnt a competition. [ cheers and applause ] steve welcome back to the tonight show, everybody. Its time to play password. [ cheers and applause ] steve our first team tonight, she stars in the wizard of lies on hbo, and hes the host of the tonight show. Its Michelle Pfeiffer and jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] and their opponents, hes the emcee of the legendary roots crew, and he stars in the new twin peaks. Say hello to Tarik Trotter and Kyle Maclachlan [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh. Steve the rules of the game are very simple. Ill give each of you a a password, and then youre going to give a oneword clue to get your partner to guess the password. One word . Steve one word, only one word. Jimmy yeah. Steve the team with the most points after four words win. The first clue goes to michelle and tarik. Jimmy hmm, hmm. The password is Steve Michelle . Jimmy oh, sorry. You look in there. Oh. Steve why dont you start us off, and its one word. Jimmy one word clue. Steve one word. Jimmy michelle, we got this. Come on. Get in the zone. Autozone. [ laughter ] you ready . [ laughter ] yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Parasol. Jimmy umbrella. Steve yeah, boom [ cheers and applause ] dang gee jimmy unbelievable. Steve hoy jimmy that was unbelievable look, were alright steve oh, my gosh. Jimmy thats fantastic. Steve kyle . I knocked the table over. Jimmy all right. Steve jimmy . Jimmy oh, yes. Thank you. The password is steve kyle, youre up first. Jimmy mmm, mmm. Steve one word. One word, kyle to get to two. [ light laughter ] [ clears throat ] wha [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy judges . Judges . Steve he said, kwaw. Jimmy yeah, he said, kwaw. Steve kwaw. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hyphen. What . [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. [ clears throat ] [ bocks ] [ laughter ] tarik chicken. Steve oh [ audience ohs ] jimmy. Close. Jimmy polly. Parrot. Jimmy yes [ cheers and applause ] steve yes jimmy feels great steve oh, my gosh. Jimmy he helped out with that one. That was good. That was good, yeah. All right. Jimmy that was good. That was good. Steve tarik and michelle . The password is steve tarik, why dont you start us off . Tarik okay. Jimmy dont lose this for your team. [ laughter ] ev tarik nap. [ light laughter ] [ sighs ] [ light laughter ] sleep. Tarik oh. Steve michelle. [ light laughter ] he seems pretty confident. Jimmy yep. Um. Uh. Jimmy nap, sleep, its in that area. I get it. Uh, uh. Jimmy it could be doze. Its not . [ light laughter ] doze. Jimmy no. [ laughter ] doze . Jimmy okay, no. [ laughter ] oh, stop. I just gave my own clue. Okay, look sleep, nap, doze. Gosh. I didnt mean to say that, sorry. [ laughter ] sleep, nap, doze. [ light laughter ] narcoleptic . Ooh [ laughter ] steve almost. Narcoleptic. Tarik, back to you for four points, four sweet ones. Im getting into it. Tarik clock. Oh. [ laughter ] tarik dont over think this. Okay. Jimmy oh, i got it steve too late jimmy i got it no jimmy yes i do steve not yet not net [ clears throat ] cool your jets. [ light laughter ] jimmy whats your fitbit number up to right now . [ laughter ] steve just between the commercial, 45,000. Jimmy congratulations. Very nice. [ light laughter ] i do not know. No. Jimmy were gonna take home the win. Oh, no. Jimmy were gonna take home the win. Were gonna take home the win. Ugh, uhh. Jimmy you can take any oneword you want. I got it. I got it. Uhh. Hmm . No, rest, rest. Steve no. Jimmy just say any word. I got it. Button. Jimmy snooze, yes [ cheers and applause ] steve oh, my gosh. All right. Tarik button, that was great. That was great. That was good. Steve final one. Jimmy that was good. That was great, yeah. Steve final clue. Jimmy whew. All right, final one. Here we go. All right. The password is steve jimmy, why dont you start us off . Jimmy okay. Okay. Jimmy sweet. [ light laughter ] sour . Jimmy yes [ cheers and applause ] oh, my steve oh, my gosh jimmy ive never seen it we crushed ugh jimmy we are the champions we are the champions [ cheers and applause ] we crushed my partner, the best partner ever, Michelle Pfeiffer Kyle Maclachlan. Tarik trotter. [ cheers and applause ] were talking to michelle after the break. Stick around, everybody thats never happened ever, ever [ cheers and applause ] weve always been dreamers. Weve been a symbol of the future. A standard. A star. But our past is just that, past. What lies ahead is in our hands. We are pioneers. Making cars that push the limits of imagination. Cars you can drive without your hands. Cars built for tomorrow. So, our greatest achievements cant lay behind us. Because our destiny lies ahead. Thats what it means to drive the world forward. Thats what it means to dare. So ammara, youre a verizon engineer, tell me, whats one really good reason why the Samsung Galaxy s8 is better on verizon . Well we have the largest 4g lte network in america. Yeah thats a pretty good reason. And the most reliable. Uhhuh. And, with unlimited, you get full hd video. Two, maybe even three reasons right there. Its exactly three. Okay. Sure, whatever you say. vo if you really, really want the best, switch to verizon unlimited and get the galaxy s8 for just 15 a month. I saw you take those phones, you know. No, you didnt. T. J. Maxx asks, shes pretty and nice like me. She is special. He knows me better than my husband somedays. My mom likes pink. Mommy loves roses. Its a surprise. You picked this out by yourself . Its a purse. I know you love purses. I do celebrate the unique mom in your life, with values everyone will love. Happy mothers day [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a a threetime oscarnominated actress who stars opposite Robert De Niro in the new hbo movie, the wizard of lies, which premieres may 20th at 8 00 p. M. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michelle Pfeiffer [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you are a great partner, a great person to play a game with. Oh, thanks. Jimmy its fantastic. We just crushed. That was fun. Sometimes i choke on those kind of games. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah. Jimmy do you play, like, charades and those things like that . Yeah, we actually do. Jimmy you do . On every thanksgiving, we jimmy yeah. It gets pretty wild. Jimmy yeah. Pretty raucous. Jimmy you know, we have something in common besides being champions at password. [ light laughter ] we both we both worked at a a grocery store. You did . Jimmy yeah. That was my first job. Get out. Jimmy there was a lot of stories i want to get into, but did you start you start were you bagging . I started as a box girl. Jimmy okay. [ light laughter ] uhhuh. Jimmy box girl, yeah. And i was really good. Jimmy yeah, i was a bag boy. And, um jimmy box girl and bag boy. Yeah. Jimmy we could make a a movie. [ light laughter ] we could have a competition. Jimmy yes. Oh, next time you come on. I did that with Ellen Degeneres once. And she won, but she cheated. Jimmy yeah. Yeah. Jimmy yeah. [ light laughter ] i wasnt watching, and she was totally cheating. Jimmy oh, really . I was focused on the task at hand. Jimmy exactly, hello. Yeah. Jimmy ellen, we got to talk. Uh, yeah. Anyway. [ light laughter ] jimmy well figure this out. Yeah. Jimmy you started as a box girl . I did, i did, and jimmy then, did you get to cashier . And i yeah. I was stock clerk, and then i was a cashier. Jimmy me, too. My cash register, i could not get it to balance, ever. [ light laughter ] jimmy i didnt like cashier part because i had to do a key check. Oh, you know, yeah. Jimmy a key check. I had a key check. That was submitted for me, but honestly, its what launched me, finally, into acting. Jimmy well this is the story i want to get into because i heard that you got discovered. You worked at vons, right . Is that the i did, at vons supermarket, yeah. Jimmy did you get discovered being a cashier . Well, that isnt exactly what happened. Jimmy it isnt . In fact, no. [ light laughter ] that didnt happen at all. Jimmy oh, no it didnt . [ laughter ] no, no jimmy i got a picture, wikipedia page. I changed it. [ laughter ] no, is that on there . [ laughter ] jimmy no, no, no, i made it no, i made that up. Um. Um, im glad to know where you get your research from. Jimmy yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] absolutely. Jimmy no, i made that up, yeah. No, i think alan carr made that up when i did grease 2. Jimmy yeah. Because it kind of sounded i dont know. Jimmy its a good kind of a good story but not true at all. Jimmy yeah, really not true at all . No. Jimmy because actually, i lived in l. A. For a while before i got saturday night live, and i was just a standup comedian. And i knew the story, or i heard this story about you. And so, i perform i used to the i did it once. I did standup in the parking lot of a vons. And how did that go for you . Jimmy none [ laughter ] but as a comedian, you have nothing you can do all day but with you wait for night. I love that. Jimmy yeah, because you didnt do gigs during the day. So i would watch General Hospital and then and. Jimmy go to vons. [ laughter ] in the parking lot. Jimmy but so, you didnt get

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