Or girl. Today you burst forth from your mothers womb now youre one day closer to your lonely tomb laughter stephen and if its a surprise birthday party, rest assured john is great at hiding. Sometimes ill hide for weeks. Am i in your closet . Am i under your bed . Or lurking within your very walls . laughter Stephen Party favors include yoyos, temporary tattoos. And signed bluray copies of the killing fields. Stephen so call now and well come on unless im already there. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Priyanka Chopra. Thomas sadoski. And comedian pat brown. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Hey, everybody good to see you cheers and applause mark. Whats going on . Nice to see welcome to the late show. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Please. Thank you so much. Thanks, everybody. Please, a seat. You can tell a friday crowd right away, theres no theres no you cant fake that. You cant fake that feelingly. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Always great to work with john malkovich. I want to thank him for coming by to cut that commercial furst. Hes got an ad on the super bowl. Hes got an ad during the super watch all of them until you see it. You going to the supe super bow. Jon no. Stephen i dont, either. Of. Jon you looking forward to it. Stephen i was going to go to yours. Its a great matchup. Im definitely going to watch the game. The Atlanta Falcons versus the new England Patriots. booing now. And we all know who President Trump will be rooting for russia. But, also, the new England Patriots because and this has upset a lot of people patriots quarterback and every straight mans gay hall pass, tom brady is friends with President Trump. In fact, the two play golf together. I know, thats surprising. Do you know how hard it is to deflate a golf ball . Jon you can try. You cant get it . Stephen and thats not all. Trump is also buddies with patriots owner robert kraft and coach bill belichik, which is probably why Kellyanne Conway showed up to trumps innaugration dressed like the patriots old logo. laughter applause its uncanny. Thats thats really uncanny. Now, we have no idea if trumps team is going to bring home poll shows that 53 of americans are rooting for the falcons cheers and applause 53 for the falcons. Which means the patriots wil win the electoral college. Jon whoa stephen information folks hey, thats the constitution. Its the constitution. Jon thats true. Stephen patriots have to win. Its in the constitution. Folks, our super bowl sunday is in danger because brace yourself are you braced . I couldnt hear you bracing yourself. Brace yourself. America is facing a bacon shortage. Oh, my god. I think bacon has finally given me a heart attack. And its from not having any we cant have a bacon shortage on super bowl weekend. What food will we wrap all the other food in . laughter now, this alert comes from the Ohio Pork Council, which is a Nonprofit Group and not a cincinnati sex party. Thats what i thought. And the Ohio Pork Council says our nations bacon reserves are now at a 50year low. That is shocking news. That is shocking. d not as shocking as the news that we have National Bacon reserves but still pretty shocking. And wheres the bacon going . Brace yourselves again. Turns out, a quarter of all of our bacon is eaten by foreigners. Yeah. Id like to apologize to donald trump for criticizing his wall. We should definitely build it out of bacon. laughter oh, speaking of donald trump, heres something. Apparently, Melania Trump may stay in new york permanently and wont ever move into the white house. Now, this is being reported this is being reported. Im not sure we can believe that. Remember, last year we were all saying the same thing about her husband. And im really surprised that shes not going to move theyre not going to be together, these two lovebirds. laughter i mean, just look at them just applause were clapping for love were clapping for love just look at them at the inauguration. Here he is. Big smile. And. Hello darkness, my old friend. cheers and applause im very happy im very happy for you, honey. And. I voted for hillary. applause but ill tell you someone who is enjoying living d. C. Just look at this photobomb by Notorious Senate jokester john mccain. laughter that is behind the head. Behind that is mccains best prank since nominating sarah palin. You had us there for a while. You had us going there fair while. I just want to point something else. Take a closer look. Youll notice those arent bunny ears. Theyre devil horns, baby thats just a throwback from when senator mccain played bass for slayer. laughter everybody is talking about politics these days. Even Matthew Mcconaughey is getting political. Mcconaughey say yes, he said that about trump. Hes even supporting steve bannon. He say the its time for altright, altright. I really have to work on my mcconaughey profession. All right. You know who might be watching right now . Donald trump might actually be watching the show. Because we know he watches a lot of tv. Last week, trump told the New York Times he rises before. 6 00 a. M. , watches television tuned to a cable channel. Then, after a long days work, mr. Trump, who does not read books, is able to end his evenings with plenty of television. If only the west wing were still on. He could learn how to be president of the United States. cheers and applause if only. If if we miss you, josiah bartlett. D tvvis a very geenga ewer. After Chelsea Manning was released from prison, trump tweeted that she was ungrateful traitor Chelsea Manning. Turns out that tweet came minutes after fox news ran a graphic calling Chelsea Manning an ungrateful traitor. Which might also explain the president s followup tweet, 15 minutes could save you 15 or more on your car insurance. Tremendous. cheers and applause laughter and people are starting to notice that you can talk to President Trump directly through the tv tube. Last week, democratic representative Elijah Cummings went on coffee joe morning and said, i know youre watching. Call me. I want to talk to you. Hours later, trump called him. And the Nonprofit Group stand up republic wanted to reach trump directly, so they are airing commercials on morning joe. In trumps defense, it is hard to come clean after what happened to that mattress. Thats thats a fine family joke, folks. The administration continues to shake things up. White House Press Secretary and stranger at the bar who wants you to know he would have left barbara anyway, sean spicer, has started taking questions over skype from alternative media, like this one from a talk show radio host. I want to go to my third skype seat, lars larson of the lars larson show. Commander spicer, its a pleasure. Thank you for your service to america and thanks for the opportunity. I got a broad question. Stephen yeah, i have a broad question how are we seeing you when your head is so far up sean spicers ass . laughter applause that was. cheers and applause he had he 4 the headphones on. He also needed a snorkel. Well, here was larss question for President Trump. Can he tell the Forest Service to start logging our forests aggressively again to provide jobs for americans, wealth for the treasury, and not spend 3. 5 billion a year stephen good point. We wouldnt have all these expensive forest fires if we just got rid of all the forests. And that wasnt the only radio show spicers taken questions from. Heres the next question he took. Senior spicer, youre on the rack with ziggy. And the gooch. How is trump going to bring back american jobs . Id like a job, ziggy, preferably one from a hand. Back to the boner. You know it spice man, followup. What is trump going to do about iran . Is he ready to use the Nuclear Option if they keep provoking with dangerous missile tests. You got gooched explosion . Yeah, gooch. Stick around. Weve got Priyanka Chopra and ill be back with important messages from a furry hat. Stick around. Did you know 98 of the cloud runs on intel . That ride share . You actually rode here on the cloud. Did not feel like a cloud. That driverless car . I have seen it all. Intels driving. The future traffic lights, street lamps. Business runs on the cloud. And the cloud runs on intel. I wonder what the other 2 runs on. car horn o112 Million People watchingal with adam driver show us how youd, uh, deal with that kind of pressure. Ok, nice. So if you have a sink, and the ship is sinking, is it a sinking sink . Scrubbing bubbles toilet gel, freshens and cleans with every flush. Spend less time cleaning, and more time thinking about the important things. Sc johnson ques. Are my teeth yellow . Have you tried the tissue test . The what . Tissue test hold this up to your teeth. Ugh yellow. I dont get it. I use whitening toothpaste. What do you use . You should try them whitening toothpaste only works on the surface. But crest whitestrips safely work below the enamel surface. To whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste you used the whitestrips i passed the tissue test. Oh yeah. Would you pass the tissue test . See for yourself with crest whitestrips. They are the way to whiten. Shocked by your wireless bill every month . Additional fees. Tacked on taxes. 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Get 150 meg internet with equal uploads and downloads, visit getfios. Com or call 1888getfios to learn more. Thats 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79. 99 per month. Cable cant offer speeds this fast at a price this good. Only fios can. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, the greatest band on tv. cheers and applause folks, as the host of a talk show, im in a position of enormous power, and yet there are those even more powerful than despots, like genghis khan, kim jong un, and pharrell. You would be wise to keep him happy. All of us have one thing in common. We have all collaborated with snoop, and we all have a big furry hat applause cheers and applause now that this hat is upon my head, any and all proclamations i make thus behatted are now and forever law. Let us begin. laughter from this moment forward, the letter e can go wherever it damn well pleases. Your reign of terror is over, i laughter ebay must change its name to the more accurate drunkbay. laughter henceforth, all apartments that allow children must also allow pets. cheers and applause no cat could possibly be as destructive as a twoyearold tweaked out on birthday cake. laughter applause every student who tries to pad their essay word count by adding adjectives will get a corpulent, inauspicious, vermillion f. laughter applause from this day forward, service dogs are allowed to hump your leg. And afterwards, you must say thank you for you laughter applause henceforth, anyone who make i didnt make a mistake just now gong no gong. Henceforth, anyone who takes a Duckface Selfie may be hunted during duck season. laughter cheers and applause let it be written that any man using the word guesstimate shall be kicked in the guessticles. laughter applause the word seltzer shall no longer be used. Henceforth, it shall be named either fancy water or boring soda. laughter effective immediately, zoos are mandatory nude zones. E genitals, they get to see ours. laughter from this moment, anyone who picks up an Acoustic Guitar at a party, must not do thats. laughter the hat has spoken well be back with Priyanka Chopra. For the first time ever. Never ending classics starting at 11. 99. Indulge in never ending helpings of your most loved classic dishes. How about irresistible chicken parmesan . Cant decide . Switch it up on a refill. Plus all the garden fresh salad and breadsticks you want. New never ending classics, starting at 11. 99. The best things in life should be never ending. At olive garden. What bad back . Gels work so fast youll ask what pulled hammy . Advil liqui gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster or longer what pain . Advil. I use my crib as a bed nhave a breakfast from time to time. The question is can i deduct some of the complementary room items. 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Stars in indian films, american tv, and was named one of time magazines 100 most influential people. Please welcome Priyanka Chopra applause hello Stephen Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Im so happy to be here. Stephen im happy to have you here. Im happy youre in the United States. Because for the people out there who dont who dont know this, youre an enormous star in india. Youve done 50 films over there. I dont think de niros done 50 films. Well. Yeah, he probably hasnt. I do a lot of work. Because of that. Stephen you probably cant walk down the street in india, right . Yeah, it is difficult because indian movie stars are really, really loved, and Indian Movies also have a diaspora around the world, so even in america, i mean, we have so many fans of Indian Movies. cheers and applause . Stephen that is that is something that that americans like we feel like we invented movies and we like our movies over here, but it doesnt compare to how passionate indians are about your films. Its i dont think any actor around the world would i might get in trouble for saying this would understand the kind of love, affection, that we see and experience. You see, like, thousands of people just outside your home waiting for you when your movies released, around the world, whether im in canada. Whether im in new york, whether im in london, anywhere. applause you have so many people that come out with love, affection, and just, like, hugs and its and its really, really warm and infusing. Its not scary, if thats what youre thinking. Understand you grew up in newton, mass, or spent some of your teenaged years in newton, mass. Four years in america, my high school years. Stephen how did you end up in newton . Thats a funny story. A lot of my moms family is here, my moms sisters. They lived here. Their kids were american. And i was 12 years old, and i was coming to visit my cousins, and i realized kids dont have to wear a uniform to school in america. And for a teenager thats really important, you know. Vanity is like especially for a teenaged girl. I was like, yeah, i get to wear whatever i want, which later became a problem because i had to figure out a new outfit every day, but at that time, i didnt think about it. Thats when i decided to come to new york america. And my mom said, fine, stay here, and i did. Stephen who did you stay with . My aunt. Stephen i thought she just cut you loose and said gone. She probably would have. After i came back from america, i had a really american accent. Stephen newton is right outside of boston. Did you have a boston accent . Go you go back to india saying, this curry is wicked hot. Was it a problem. I did going gback to india. I studied in queens, new york, as well, flushing queens. applause i was in high school there. I actually had a new york accent when i went back. Yeah, its please. Its so embarrassing. But i would be like, can i have some caufee. It was stephen how many frims made over there a year . We have a lot of regions. The films i do are hindu movies but we have a lot of other languages in india. Mysteries, we can produce 4,000 to 5,000 movies a year. Were one of the biggest film producing industries in the world. Stephen our Film Industry should be named after your Film Industry. Not the other way around. What would it be called. Stephen in hindi what is it called . The Film Indu