Page 31 - Borowitz Report News Today : Breaking News, Live Updates & Top Stories | Vimarsana

“Bankruptcy is scary the first time you do it,” Trump said. “But once you’ve done it five or six times it’s the easiest and most beautiful thing in the world.”

The Russian President’s entire plan for invading Ukraine was predicated on the false assumption that the Ukrainians “would act like Trump,” one source indicated.

“I had thought that it was clear that I didn’t mean Tucker Carlson when I said ‘journalists.’ ”

“As Putin watched Trump call him smart, all the blood drained from his face,” a source said. “He was clearly shaken.”

“Our high-school kids are exposed to many dangers on a daily basis,” one parent said. “No danger is greater than Matt Gaetz.”