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“Eric is responsible for everything it has ever done.”

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Republicans on Capitol Hill are arguing that a proposed January 6th commission is uncalled for because the rioters were merely middle schoolers on a field trip. Speaking to reporters, Senator Ron Johnson, of Wisconsin, said that, after reviewing footage of the riot, “It’s plain to see that this was just a bunch of middle-school kids who got a little rowdy.” “I’ve had teen-agers, and I know what kind of horseplay and tomfoolery they can get up to,” he said. “I didn’t set up a commission every time they raised a littl...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what legal experts are calling a highly unorthodox arrangement, Donald J. Trump has commanded Representative Kevin McCarthy to go to prison in his place. Although Trump has denied any and all wrongdoing, he told the House Minority Leader to be prepared to plead guilty if the current criminal investigation of the Trump Organization “turns nasty,” sources familiar with the agreement said. McCarthy, who appeared shaken after agreeing to Trump’s demand, nevertheless put the best face on the situation when speaking to reporters...

“It’s unfair and, quite frankly, a disgrace,” the former President said.

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a solemn swearing in as the new House Republican Conference chair, Representative Elise Stefanik vowed to defend Donald J. Trump from the United States Constitution. With House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy officiating, Stefanik raised her right hand and rested her left on a first edition of “The Art of the Deal.” “I, Elise Stefanik, do solemnly swear to preserve, protect, and defend Donald J. Trump from the Constitution of the United States,” she recited. Stefanik became emotional as she finished the oath, in which she...