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Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Consolidating her position as America’s foremost Trump loyalist, Representative Elise Stefanik stunned political insiders on Wednesday by replacing Ivanka Trump as one of the former President’s daughters. According to those familiar with the shakeup, Donald Trump made the move after Stefanik spent months convincing him that she was substantially more loyal than his now former daughter. In an official statement from Mar-a-Lago, Trump wished Ivanka well, adding, “She had a good run.” Stefanik, who is running to...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Anthony Fauci has revealed that nausea and a splitting headache are two common symptoms of talking to Rand Paul. The esteemed virologist disclosed that he had taken part in a clinical study that required him to converse with the senator from Kentucky several times in a one-year period. In addition to nausea and headaches, those who come in contact with Paul’s voice may experience “a sensation of wanting to be anywhere but there,” Fauci said. “After thirty seconds of him talking, bam, it hits you,” he said. “You have to ...

Save this story for later. MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA (The Borowitz Report)—In a petition signed by a staggering number of the platform’s users, millions are asking Facebook to ban their relatives. The signatories to the petition praised Facebook for its decision to ban the online rants of Donald J. Trump, but argued that the move “does not go far enough.” “A major source of conspiracy theories, misinformation, and hate-mongering still exists on Facebook—namely, our relatives,” the petition read. Although the signatories said that they had already taken steps to block their relative...

Trump said that the new social-media platform will be run by his former attorney Rudolph Giuliani, “so you know it’s going to be terrific.”

Save this story for later. TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Governor Ron DeSantis announced that Florida will lift its coronavirus restrictions in order to focus all its attention on voting restrictions. “While the danger posed by the virus has largely dissipated, voting remains as dangerous as ever,” DeSantis said. The Governor indicated that he was “taking a hard look” at indoor voting, which he said was responsible for “many bad outcomes,” and noted that outdoor voting, involving people placing ballots in mailboxes, could also be curbed. “Until the danger has passed, we ma...