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“Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.

“If I had to write the impeachment part all over again, I’d really dumb it down,” James Madison said.

Although neither son has a law degree, Don, Jr., called their lack of legal education “our secret weapon.”

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After an extensive debate and much hand-wringing, House Republicans have decided to forgive Representative Liz Cheney for having a conscience. The decision came despite the objections of a sizable faction of the G.O.P. conference, which warned that allowing the Wyoming congresswoman to possess a moral compass could set a dangerous precedent that other rogue members might follow. “We Republicans have had the great good fortune of being unburdened by principles for as long as I can remember,” Representative Jim Jordan warned. “...

Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In her most explosive claim to date, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene accused former President Barack Obama of converting to Judaism in order to obtain lasers. According to Greene, Obama’s obsession with lasers was a result of working in the entertainment business, “where he is constantly surrounded by laser-owning Jews.” “Obama would go to Netflix meetings and be seething with envy of all these Jewish TV executives who had lasers,” she said. “That’s why he converted to Judaism and, according to something I read ...