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“Insurrect me once, shame on you; insurrect me twice, shame on me; insurrect me three times, it’s time to have a serious talk about this,” the bill’s sponsor said.
Hosted by Paul Holdengräber, The Quarantine Tapes chronicles shifting paradigms in the age of social distancing. Each day, Paul calls a guest for a brief discussion about how they are experiencing the global pandemic. * The Quarantine Tapes, Paul Holdengräber is joined by Andy Borowitz. Andy is a writer for The New Yorker, and he talks with Paul about some of the fascinating challenges and successes of writing satire. Speaking on Inauguration Day, they dig into Andy’s experiences writing political comedy in the Bush, Obama, and Trump eras. Andy talks about the challenges of being misund...
Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)âUnveiling a bold new plan to fight the coronavirus, President Biden called on Americans to stay at home next month and watch the impeachment trial. âI recognize that Iâm asking everyone to make a tremendous sacrifice,â he said. âThatâs why Iâm issuing a stay-at-home order only for a time when thereâs something really good on TV.â The President denied that asking all Americans to watch the impeachment trial was at odds with his pledge to unify the nation. âLookâhereâs the dea...
Save this story for later. MEMPHIS (The Borowitz Report)—QAnon, which has hemorrhaged supporters since Inauguration Day, has announced that it is merging with the conspiracy theory that claims Elvis Presley is still alive. The announcement, made at a press conference in a parking lot across the street from Graceland, Presley’s longtime home, was seen as a bid to prevent QAnon from vanishing altogether. The overture to the Elvis conspiracy theorists came after QAnon proposed a similar merger with the National Rifle Association, which declined, citing difficulties of its own. At the press c...
Save this story for later. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A newly unchained Dr. Anthony Fauci stunned the White House press corps on Friday when he recited the entire periodic table of elements at a coronavirus briefing. Without warning, the esteemed virologist named all of the hundred and eighteen chemical elements on the table, starting with hydrogen and ending with oganesson, along with their abbreviations and atomic numbers. “That felt amazing!” Fauci exclaimed, visibly throbbing with excitement. “Now let’s do it backward!” According to White House sources, Fauci’s realiza...