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I know god is a loving god. the question is, it's like my children. my children have never doubted that i love them but they sometimes doubt my wisdom and they don't think i've made the right decision. not everything that happens in the world is god's will. everything that happens in the world, god allows, he permits. but because it couldn't happen without his permission. but we live in a world where there are free choices. if i choose to do wrong, i can't blame god for that. so god isn't to blame for my son's death. my son took his life. it was his choice. if i chose to go out and get drunk a...

Had more treatment from the so-called experts, more institutionalized -- >> right. >> -- moments. everything you can imagine and still it wasn't enough to save him. >> if you look at the risk factors of what puts people at risk for suicide, matthew had almost none of the risk factors. he had a great, as you say, loving family. he had access to care, he had friends, he had everything. and yet -- >> strong social system around him. >> yeah. the main risk factor for him was mental illness and he had that. >> if love could have kept my child alive, he'd be alive today because he was incredibly lov...

I mean, he really was so desperate to end the pain. that's the most important thing is matthew was in such excruciating emotional and physical pain. he just wanted the pain to stop. >> matthew was not afraid to die. he was afraid of pain. i remember ten years ago when he was 17, he came to me sobbing and he said, daddy, he said, it's really clear, i'm not going to get any better. we had gone to the best doctors the best hospitals, the best treatments, therapists, everything, prayer, everything you could imagine, good support and he says, it's real clear, i'm not going to get any better. so why...

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And don't think i've made the right decision. not everything that happens in the world is god's will. everything that happens in the world, god allows. he permits, because it couldn't happen without his permission, but we live in a world where there are free choices. if i choose to do wrong, i can't blame god for that. god isn't to blame for my son's death. my son took his life. it was his choice. if i chose to go out and get in a car and i was in an accident and killed somebody. i can't blame god for that. >> kay, have you gone through any doubt about your faith? >> you know, as rick said, it...