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stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, it s good to have you with us! i don t know if all y all have been checking the news lately. i assume you have some information before you come into the building. the fact of the matter is, folks, the 1/2 continues (siren) (alarm) nation, this is a colbert alert! this is not a drill! i have just been handed a piece of paper. is this paper? yes, it is. let s see, this just in! it is the first day of fall! can we confirm that? and we can. yes, fall, a time for cherished traditions. unpacking the sweaters, buying that first pumpkin spice latae, remembering we re still at war with afghanistan. (laughter) that s why you ve had a string tied around your spinninger for 13 years. and now, this war has reached our shores. the f.b.i. is searching for three soldiers from afghanistan missing in massachusetts. the soldiers had been training at a military base on cape cod ....
can we confirm that? and we can. yes, fall, a time for cherished traditions. unpacking the sweaters, buying that first pumpkin spice latae, remembering we re still at war with afghanistan. (laughter) that s why you ve had a string tied around your spinninger for 13 years. and now, this war has reached our shores. the f.b.i. is searching for three soldiers from afghanistan missing in massachusetts. the soldiers had been training at a military base on cape cod. stephen: folks, i don t know why we re training afghan soldiers in cape cod. are yachting skills that useful in a landlocked country? (laughter) and they won t get very far down the khyber pass in pink pants with whales on them. (laughter) but the most alarming news of all is where we lost these guys. they were last seen at a local shopping mall. concern growing with every hour that these three are missing. stephen: so, shoppers, be on the lookout. memorize these faces! (laughter) (applause) stephen: th ....
against i.s.i.s. and syria had begun. we have been waiting for weeks and here it is tonight. jon: ooh, it s so anticipated! it was the iphone 6 of wars! (laughter) it s expensive, a little bigger. a little more unwieldy than you thought it was going to be. (laughter) it s going to be at least a two-year commitment. (applause) kind of feels like you just (bleep) the last one. (laughter) but at least it s not the watch. so how did the new product launch go? they attacked i.s.i.s. targets four locations in syria, headquarters, buildings, storage facility, finance center, supply trucks, army vehicles and training compounds. jon: i.s.i.s. has a finance center? i.s.i.s. has been in existence for, like, a month. they have a finance center? no, no, that is for bombings and mass killings. you want small business loans, that s down the hall. so we hit four location force a very narrowly-focused, minimalist approach. they described the strike as very successful and only ....
everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen! please, sit down! nation, it is a great day! this is a great day to be an american! daddy is revved up! if you could see me from the waist down, i d be arrested. (laughter) jimmy, tell em why. we are getting breaking news live right now. we have reports that military operations in syria have begun. the u.s. and a coalition of five arab allies leading airstrikes in syria using bombers and drones and missiles. the attacks destroying or damaging multiple targets, including training compounds, headquarters, and command and control facilities. stephen: yes, america is bringing the hammer down on i.s.i.s. to drive them out of syria and hand that country back to its rightful leader. oh, (bleep). okay. well there s got to be someone who can hold that region together. anyone seen saddam lately? oh, right, right, right. the spider hole and the beard and the (pop ....
we have been waiting for weeks and here it is tonight. jon: ooh, it s so anticipated! it was the iphone 6 of wars! (laughter) it s expensive, a little bigger. a little more unwieldy than you thought it was going to be. (laughter) it s going to be at least a two-year commitment. (applause) kind of feels like you just (bleep) the last one. (laughter) but at least it s not the watch. so how did the new product launch go? they attacked i.s.i.s. targets four locations in syria, headquarters, buildings, storage facility, finance center, supply trucks, army vehicles and training compounds. jon: i.s.i.s. has a finance center? i.s.i.s. has been in existence for, like, a month. they have a finance center? no, no, that is for bombings and mass killings. you want small business loans, that s down the hall. so we hit four location force a very narrowly-focused, minimalist approach. they described the strike as very successful and only the beginning. we also got a menu of w ....