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Dry humping a bottle of windex. [cheers and applause] i cant believe we have a picture for that. [laughter] all the democrats have to do to gain like an 80 to 20 advantage in this country, all that stands in their way, is a mildly competent impation of the Health Care Policy they battled so hard to keep. Lets take a look. The word glitch has been used by the white house. Jon that sounds promising. [ laughter ] lets hear more. Healthcare. Gov is plagued by glitches. Riddled with glitches. Glitche...

Black sea and is well known for its charges of its light brigades. [ laughter ] who against all odds dont actually win. You pretty much let me tell you something. You want to bet the odds on the light brigade because they go down pretty hard. Nobody . Tennyson, nobody . All right. Americans know nothing about the crimea beyond what was assigned to them in that one english class in eighth grade. I think crimea is lost. I dont think theyll put owl the there. Crimea is effectively gone. Is it lost ...

Dun year but certainly not a good year for privacy. Between Edward Snowdens revelations about the nsa and the revelations that ikea is spying on its employees. Theres that now show howie mandel watches you poop. That soon invasion. I didnt sign up to be a contestant yet there i was. [laughter] this week brings the most devastating privacy news yet. A bombshell revealed. Prosecutors say the now shut down world of the news newspaper hacked the royals phone. Jon you know what this means . Queen sel...

Rock statue in detroit. Thats some bull bleep right there. laughter none of that is done. He hasnt done any of it so moments ago the Michigan House approved a righttowork bill the state Senate Passed last week. Jon doesnt matter. Your governor doesnt want to work on that divisive issue. Republican Governor Rick Snyder promises to sign the bill as soon as it hits his desk which could be within hours. Jon actually, between the time that we cut that soundbite and now he already signed it so bleep ....

Exciting news in the world of foreign diplomacy. There are signals that the u. S. Could be close to iran about an agreement over nuclear capability. Just in the knick of time nick in of time that is wonderful news because iran is just a week away from developing a nuclear weapon. They have been for the past 20 years. [laughter] says people who would like to bomb iran. [ laughter ] but if iran is willing to make a deal, dude Foreign Ministers of big western powers led by the u. S. Secretary of st...

Let me tell you this first were going to turn to crimea. As you know crimea is a region. [ laughter ] in the southeastern part of ukraine that juts out to the black sea and is well known for its charges of its light brigades. [ laughter ] who against all odds dont actually win. You pretty much let me tell you something. You want to bet the odds on the light brigade because they go down pretty hard. Nobody . Tennyson, nobody . All right. Americans know nothing about the crimea beyond what was ass...

Cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart weve got a good one for you tonight. Weve got a good one. Our guest, laura linney. Shes in the new movie in hyde park on the hudson. Daisy was apparently f. D. R. s confidante at a time when confidante meant guy i have sex with. laughter we begin tonight in michigan where ten months ago michigans Governor Rick Snyder laughter . Thats dee snyder. Duke snyder. Thats roy scheider. laughter . cheers and applause thats just a pi...

You know when we built that open i was worried maybe we wouldnt use it enough to justify [laughter] how much money it was going to cost and now im worried that 2013 is is going to be limiting. [ laughter ] a lot of our attention has been focused on the capitol hill and the House Republicans but the president is also a player in all of this. What is his mind set with regard to a ceding of republican demands. See if you can read between the lines of his ring and index finger. Im not budging when i...

Ukraine that juts out to the black sea and is well known for its charges of its light brigades. [ laughter ] who against all odds dont actually win. You pretty much let me tell you something. You want to bet the odds on the light brigade because they go down pretty hard. Nobody . Tennyson, nobody . All right. Americans know nothing about the crimea beyond what was assigned to them in that one english class in eighth grade. I think crimea is lost. I dont think theyll put owl the there. Crimea is ...

Perfect climate for golf and people with asthma because if you had your attitude and seattles weather you would be the Worlds Largest condom and Nuclear Waste dump. [cheers and applause] unfortunately, that radioactiveity would give rise to spermaxoman. The worlds most powerful and reap lentless swimmer. He is not that dangerous a monster because theres only a very, very small chancel find a victim and even if he finds a victim the fact that he could and you can easily destroy him with his arch ...