nightmarish. after three weeks of debate and no witnesses called, the republican-led senate voted today to acquit donald trump on both articles of impeachment. after the vote, the president celebrated on the roof of the capitol building with senators lindsey graham and mitch mcconnell in the traditional gatorade dump. very sexy. minority leader said from here on, trump's presidency will always have an asterisk next it. the lone republican senator who voted guilty was mitt romney of utah who said corrupting an election to keep oneself in office is perhaps the most abusive and destructive violation of one's oath of office that i can imagine. well, you know, give him time. whatever you're imagining, i'm sure he'll come up with something much, much worse. romney was actually choking back tears as he explained his decision, because he knows the president is about to order the space force to attack his home state of utah. in five minutes, romney laid waste to almost every argument trump's defenders made, that what he did was clearly impeachable. he said history will judge those who stand with the president and then he chugged a carton of milk and threw it on the ground. i think he deserves that. [ applause ] there was some hope that susan collins of maine would join romney, but instead of the right thing, she decided to do the wrong thing. of all the silliness we've had the displeasure of this week, this from susan comanllins migh take the cake. >> are you confident that the president won't seek foreign assistance again? >> i believe that the president has learned from this case. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do? yeah. what he's learned is i will do whatever i want, and you will eat it! is what he's, this is a man who declared bankruptcy six times. does that sound like somebody who learns? not only did he not learn from this when she was asked about what she just said. he said it was a perfect call. there's nothing to learn. he never learns. the day after robert mueller testified was the day he threatened ukraine and biteden. tomorrow he'll probably call china to see if he can give bernie the coronavirus. the democrats keep pounding that republicans will be judged. if trump gets another four years, there won't be any history books. 50 years from now, textbooks in florida will say jesus, trump and the space force winning against dinosaurs. he announced that he will be making an announcement. he tweeted, i will be making a public statement tomorrow at 1: 12:00 p.m. to discuss our country's victory on the impeachment hoax. at this point, he should just go play a round of golf with o.j. play 18 holes with o.j. and tweet. [ applause ] here we are. just two innocent guys out enjoying 18 holes of golf. trump got away scot-free after extorting another country with our taxpayer money to help him win an election, but nancy pelosi is on the hot seat today because she ripped up some paper today. you see that? so this is the most -- [ applause ] talked-about moment of the day. it happened at the end of the night, speaker pelosi tore up the copy of trump's speech. that hasn't happened to trump since his last divorce. i didn't like that. i think tearing up the speech was a bad move. she should have rolled it up and spanked him with it. needless to say, mike pence was very upset by this act of defiance against the master. he described it as a new low. i guess he forgot about the time his boss invited the taliban to camp david. but he said it was a new low, and he wasn't alone. for many on the right, this was a perfect opportunity to be outraged over nothing. >> she ripped up her copy of the president's speech and has just defended doing so. one of the most classless things ever done in the history of the state of the union. >> it was disgraceful. it was disgusting. >> pelosi's a major loser. >> how petty, how childless. >> i think nancy pelosi wanted to steal his thunder. >> it's just wrong. >> that's pelosi ripping up the stories of these americans. >> i wasn't sure if she was ripping up the speech or the constitution. >> when she rips up that paper, she is ripping up those african-americans. >> jimmy: really? right, she's no better than the bad guys from "get out." that's what's going on here. people went nuts. "nancy the ripper" was trending on twitter. there's talks she may be asked to join a league of super villains. >> the joker and i broke up. ♪ i wanted a fresh start. but it turns out i wasn't the only dame in gotham looking for emancipation. ♪ you blow a ♪ ♪ so what's the use >> woo! >> don't mess with me. ♪ don't fall in ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: does know how to handle the joker. the president got rave reviews on his speech last night from his son eric, who went on laura ingraham's show to lavish the kind of praise president daddy never gave him. >> the media's take away has it to be, it was dark. i don't know what speech he was watching. it was incredible. >> it was uplifting. it was incredible. i think my father won reelection today, i really mean that. >> jimmy: he definitely has t sniffling offspring vote locked up. laura ingraham. she says she doesn't know what the media was watching when they said the speech was dark. we boiled it down, and let's see if together we can figure out why some people thought the speech was dark. >> tyrant brutalizes, burglaries, murdering, criminal aliens. criminal illegal aliens. robbery, assault. gr gruesome spree, barbarians, enslaved, deadly, monster, kill, terminated. death, destruction. disease, hunger, amelia earhart. >> jimmy: all right, things went badly for her, too. the president didn't mention climate change even once last night. scientists say this is the greatest threat to the survival of the human race, and that's, this would be like if in the movie "armageddon", the president said there's no asteroid coming, and the rest of the movie was just a bunch of characters arguing about it until it smashed into the earth. the president did find time to sign some autographs last night. on the way out of the senate he stopped to sign a tie worn by congressman billie long of missouri, and this billy long, i couldn't take my eyes off this guy. in his jacket pocket, he carries these phony $45 bills with trump's face on them. and last night, just take a look at them. isn't he beautiful? i mean, look at that. that is, that is like, he's like a honey-baked ham with thumbs. i mean, that's, that's a guy you want to vacation with, you know? the results are still trickling in from the iowa caucus. as you likely know, the vote count was delayed because of trouble with an app they were using, but with 86% of the precincts in now, mayor pete and bernie sanders are running neck and wrinkly neck which is big news for mayor pete. he is in new hampshire ahead of the primary on tuesday. and he was asked whether or not he declared victory in iowa too soon. >> was it premature to declare victory? >> we said victorious last night. >> the early numbers look like you're going well. >> jimmy: it looks like he did three tabs of acid and walked to his car. that's the look i had on my face when i snuck in to see "porkies", the first time. if the results hold, not only would he be the first openly-gay candidate but the youngest. he was born in 1982. just to put that in perspective, he is younger than justin timberlake, alicia keys, britney spears, chad michael murry, jonathan taylor thomas, pac man, the cd player and elmo. pete buttigieg is younger than the muppet your toddler hugs every night u and , and he love very much, too. they had a parade in kansas city. somehow a drunk driver even got on the parade route. >> no way. >> oh, my god. >> no way! >> oh! no way! >> oh, my god! >> this is great entertainment. >> good day! >> jimmy: and then this guy got up, he climbed the tree to get a better look, and we got a better look, also. unfortunately, he -- >> oh! >> jimmy: yeah, he died. and then everyone showed up. police estimate hundreds of thousands of fans showed up to see the chiefs. of course that was in kansas city, missouri. this was the celebration in kansas city, kansas, where the president thinks the chiefs play. in other sports news, we had a new episode of the bachelor tonight. bachelor peter has his women whittled down to six now. this is the time of the season which is great for me, because i can actually start to tell them apart. but much of the noeext was on tammy and mckina. but before things got started, mckenna, i think she ate and regurgitated a "oprah" magazine. she seemed to give the last remaining piece of her mind. >> i don't know what your goal was the other night, maybe to make me feel small and weak, about but at the end of the day, you made me find my voice. ly not let people tear me down anymore. at the end of the day, i'm proud of who i am, tammy. >> jimmy: that's right, tammy! i'm proud of who i am, tammy. tammy did not survive the two-on-one. mckenna made it out of the two-on-one, but not for long. peter sent her home roseless. and that is when mckenna delivered one of the most draub dramatic and may i say inspiring good-byes in bachelor history. >> i know that this girl right here is tough and strong, and she is powerful. and she's beautiful, and she knows what she deserves, more than anything. even though i wanted to end up here in love, i feel like i'm more madly in love with whom i am than anything. >> jimmy: all right, so at least she found someone. i mean, it was her. i have to say, that speech actually sounded familiar to me, and i was thinking about it, like where did i, and then i figured out where i heard it before. >> i know that this girl right here is tough. and is strong. and she's powerful. and she's beautiful. and she knows what she deserves more than anything. even though i wanted to win up here in love, i feel like i'm more madly in love with who i am than anything. >> jimmy: that's beautiful, guillermo. >> guillermo: thank you. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: did i ever tell you what an inspiration you are? >> jimmy: thank you. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have music from russ. tika sumpter is here, and we'll be right back with nick kroll. so stick around. 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(sprintern) seriously, in any condition. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. michael bloomberg is here. vo: leadership in action. mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. obama: at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. bloomberg: i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. ♪ >> jimmy: well, hello there, welcome back. tonight, from the new movie "sonic the hedgehog" and her tv show "mixed-ish," tika sumpter is here. then, his album is called "shake the snow globe." russ from the mercedes-benz stage. you can see russ live here in l.a. on may 8th at the hollywood bowl tomorrow night, the american treasure known as billy crystal will be here, the merry pranksters known as the tenderloins will join us, and we'll have music from kelsea ballerini. so please join us for that. >> jimmy: our first guest is a very funny man you know from his wildly funny show "big mouth" on netflix. next, you can watch him fall in love and promote good dental hygiene. his new movie "olympic dreams" opens in theaters and vod valentine's day. please say hello to nick kroll. [cheers and ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. >> good to see you, too, jimmy. >> jimmy: you've been on the road doing standup comedy, i know. >> yes. >> jimmy: the name of your tour is what? >> middle aged boy. >> jimmy: do you think of yourself that way? >> i do a little bit. i'm still not married. i don't have children. and yet i'm an adult. seemingly, i'm not wearing socks right now. >> jimmy: mm-hm. like boys have been known to do. >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: theis is always interesting to me. you went where? >> i was in new zealand and australia. and i was in london as well, doing shows. >> jimmy: other english-speaking countries. >> yes. >> jimmy: do they enjoy your work? are they receptive to your jokes? >> they tolerate it. >> jimmy: they did? >> yeah, they were fine with it. they were great. the shows, i went to australia and new zealand with my girlfriend, and i was doing shows in london, and i was there on my own, or i thought i was going to be on my own, but i ended up there, my parents ended up in london at the same time. >> jimmy: was that an again coie or one of those parent coincidences? >> it was a parent coincidence, they're like, oh, my god, here we are in london. i was like, cool, cool, middle-aged boy. >> jimmy: your girlfriend was there, too? >> no. so i got some quality, i mean, it was great, but it's like, i don't know, when you're with your parents, they were staying in a separate hotel. but every day i'd go to a museum with them. but i immediately reverted back, dad! that's not where i want to go to lunch today! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so they were calling the shots? >> yeah. it was sort of like, there are only so many places your dad will eat lunch. >> jimmy: you were with them the whole time? >> just every day, around 1:00 to 4:00, i'd spend with them. >> jimmy: okay. >> and i'd be like mom, this museum is so boring! but it was fun. they came to a couple shows. >> jimmy: that's nice. you spent every day from 1:00 to 4:00, and the rest of the time you had off. >> the rest of the time i wandered the rainy streets of london, nude. >> jimmy: well, i'm glad you were able, they probably set you back almost immediately. >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: speaking of nude and such. >> yes. >> jimmy: your show, "big mouth", which, by the way, if you haven't seen "big mouth", is one of the first of all, funniest but also filthiest shows maybe, i have o belieto b i know you got nominated for an emmy, the dirtiest show ever to be nominated for an emmy. >> yes, i think we got nominated for a number of aviennes as well. it's very heartfelt and becomes very emotional. it's based on me and my friend andrew goldberg growing up when we were going through puberty, and all kids, hormone monsters and shame wizards and depression kiddies, but it's dirty. >> jimmy: which are like the voices in your head at that age. >> exactly. >> jimmy: who say horrible things that we think of. >> yeah like andrew, i think nick should have, andrew should have a hormone monster, and i was immediately like, and that became. >> jimmy: and have you said that to an andrew before? >> yeah, yeah. cuomo. >> jimmy: when you are writing the show, i assume you write the show, yes? >> i do. >> jimmy: when you're writing the show -- >> with a group of very talented writers. >> jimmy: but it must be, i mean i can only imagine, if people haven't seen the show, they don't really know what, i cannot, nothing must be off limits or is there ever a time where somebody says something and you go oh, no, no. >> no, we have to like, the show is really about me and andrew but about everyone going through puberty and adolescence. so you have to get specific. and we have to lead the way. and my character, nick, in the show, is a very late bloomer like i was. i didn't hit bpuberty, i didn't have pubes until i was like 15 years old. that's not a joke. and so in the show, so he hasn't hit puberty, so he has a boy penis, and he's very insecure about his little penis. so, in the writer's room, there's a lot of talk like let's talk about nick's little [ bleep ] or what's happening with nick's little penis episode? and i'm like, guys, this is -- >> jimmy: i'm nick. >> i'm here, and i'm nick. and. >> jimmy: and yet, even though the show is quite filthy, you've attracted a very high level of guest stars. >> yes. >> jimmy: who's been on the show? i know kristen wiig's been on the show? >> kristen wiig plays jessie's vagina. wanda sikes played the ghost of harriet tubman. martin short plays a canadian dentist struggling with sexuality. and jenny slate, jordan peel, maya rudolph, jessie kline. it's like a powerhouse. >> jimmy: it's great. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: all great, very funny people. >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you asked people who have said no, i'm not going to do that? >> we've added some people, the one that i asked that i really halls want always wanted to be on the show very much was howard stern, and i wrote him a letter about how much i wanted him to be a hormone monster on the show, because like, i mean, who's more of a hormone monster than howard stir stern? so i wrote him a letter, his agent, they responded very politely that he did not want to -- >> jimmy: but you know as a regular listener to howard stirn th that you can never write a letter. all that's going to happen is he's going to make fun of your letter and probably read it aloud. >> it was worth a shot. >> jimmy: did you tell him you're the reason i started talking about how small my penis is? >> yes, he paved the way for small-penis men to talk. and just to be clear, america, my penis is totally average. >> jimmy: i'm going to take look. the movie is called "olympic dreams". we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by little caesars delivery. america's best value, now delivered. de scooters...♪ ♪everyone's texting dirty pics.♪ ♪babies named after produce...♪ hi kale! ♪the surveillance state's got brand new tricks.♪ "i am not spying." ♪the world is out of sorts. ♪so messed up ♪we need to fix it quicker. ♪we have a dumb idea. ♪so dumb. ♪we're gonna feed it snickers.♪ - hey guys! - what up? the snicke