>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: mr. schiff goes to washington. plus, stephen welcomes john mulaney featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: come on! oh! hey, nice to see you! lovely. hey, everybody, please, have a seat. good to see you. happy wednesday. happy hump day, ladies and gentlemen. welcome, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. the excitement in the air. everybody knows it's day two of donald trump's senate impeachment trial. and if mcconnell has his way, it'll go just like trump's dating career: quick and disappointing, and no questions asked. also, i would like $130,000 to forget i ever met him. and i will tell you all about it in tonight's "don and giant impeach." >> he's such a pain in the ass ( laughter ) >> stephen: once again, the lead manager of the case today was adam schiff. it was gratifying to see someone taking the constitutional responsibility of their office seriously. he laid out the case against the president clearly, passionately, coveragently, and, i believe, courageously. because whether or not president trump is removed from office, history will not forgive those who looked the other way at his abuses or forget those who stepped in the breach at this moment of crisis. so, no surprise, the number-one trending topic on twitter was mr. peanut. ( laughter ) evidently, he died. okay, okay, but number two was gritty. ( laughter ) we're doomed. number three was the trial. schiff was ready even before the trial started. there was a rumor circulating that republicans would allow democrats to call john bolton as a witness if they could call joe biden. but schiff shot that idea down. >> trials aren't trades for witnesses. this isn't like some fantasy football trade. >> stephen: he's right. the senate trial isn't like fantasy football. for one thing, if you start talking about the senate trial, i won't leave the room. ( laughter ) at 1:00, schiff took to the well of the senate and played the hits: >> president trump responded by saying, "i would like you to do us a favor, though." the so-called three amigos. everyone was in the loop. >> stephen: woo! do quid pro quo! woo! do drug deal! woo! ( applause ) schiff stood there today in front of his audience discussing the president's corruption and incompetence using graphics, audio, and video of witnesses, even clips of trump incriminating himself. hey, schiff. you're treading on my turf. ( laughter ) if i find out you've got a house band, i'm suing. ( laughter ) schiff laid out his premise clearly and passionately. >> the only conclusion consistent with the facts of law-- not just the law, but the constitution-- is clear. if this conduct is not impeachable, then nothing is. >> stephen: (as trump) "really, nothing? woo-hoo! corruption party at my place! first one there gets to replace lincoln on the five!" ( laughter ) now, you couldn't help-- ( applause ) you could not help-- >> jon: abraham. >> stephen: you couldn't help but be moved by the historic nature of the event, unless you were senator rand paul, because according to one reporter, every few minutes, rand paul keeps flipping through his notebook to do bits of a crossword. let's see here, let's see here... "sackless trump toady... eight letters"... oh! 'rand paul'!" there you go. there you go. i do have a pen. i do have a pen. ( applause ) while the trial was mostly full of material we've heard before, there was some breaking news. our own cbs news reporter grace segers reported the scoop. "tom cotton has milk! this is not a drill. he has a glass, in addition to his glass of water. he is the first senator i've seen to request and get milk. i repeat, tom cotton has milk!" wow! you know that must have pissed off bernie. ( as bernie ) "tom cotton's milk must be evenly distributed through the senate. right now, 1% of the senators have 100% of the 2%!" "it's a shame, it's a chanda." yesterday, the trial went until nearly 2:00 a.m. that is late! can we see how it ended? >> i ask unanimous consent that the trial adjourn until 1:00 p.m. wednesday, january 22. and that this order also constitute the adjournment of the senate. ♪ ♪ >> without objection, so ordered. the senate is adjourned. ♪ closing time open all the doors... ♪ >> stephen: anytime anything ends at 2:00 a.m., you legally have to play that song. >> it was particular lie tough for chief justice john robertses. he had to be back at the supreme court at 10 a.m. ( as john roberts ) "okay, what's up, breyer? so, what are we talking about? yeah, yeah, guns are legal, corporations are people. please don't argue so loud. ginsberg, can i rest my head on your doily?" chuck schumer kept proposing amendments. mitch mccconnell kept tabling those ammendments by party line votes. republicans rejected seeing records from the white house, evidence from the state department, documents from the office of management and budget, defense department documents, and subpoenas for testimony from john bolton and mick mulvaney. oh, come on! why are you rejecting all information? aren't you at least a bit curious about all the crazy ( bleep ) stuff trump did? you don't even have to do anything about it. just vote to find out what it was. everybody wants to find out their boss' secrets. take it from me. you don't want to learn it from a ronan farrow article. so it was no surprise-- ( cheers and applause ) you don't. >> jon: you don't want that! come on, now? >> stephen: you don't want to do that. so it was no surprise that things got a little testy between the democratic impeachment managers and trump's lawyers, starting when jerry nadler went off on the trump team's constant lies. >> i'm struck by what we have heard from the president's counsel so far tonight. they lie, and lie, and lie, and lie. >> stephen: they lie, and lie, and lie, and lie. that's not entirely accurate. they also lie. ( laughter ) those accusations outraged trump lawyer and man staring at you from across the produce aisle, pat cipollone. ( laughter ) cippilone had enough of the democrats' brazen calls for evidence. >> it's about time we bring this power trip in for a landing. it's a farce, and it should end. mr. nadler, you owe an apology to the president of the united states and his family. ( as cippolone ) "yes, yes, and while you're at it, could you also apologize to the president's previous family? and the one before that? they're all still waiting." ( applause ) please? finally, chief justice roberts stepped in to call for order. >> i think it is appropriate at this point for me to admonish both the house managers and the president's counsel in equal terms to remember that they are addressing the world's greatest deliberative body. >> stephen: yes, the senate is the world's greatest deliberative body-- not to be confused with "people" magazine's annual "hottest deliberative body." ( laughter ) smokin' grassley. ( laughter ) it looks good. it looks really good. i didn't expect that from chuck grassley. chuck grass-fed. justice rawbts reached back into history to provide an example of the senate standing up for decorum. >> in the 1905 swain trial, a senator objected when one of the managers used the word "pettifogging," and the presiding officer said the word ought not to have been used. >> stephen: mr. chief justice, you're gonna have to come up with another example, because i'm pettifogging sure no one knows what that word means. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, after-- ( applause ) >> jon: pettifogging. petticoat junction. >> stephen: after trump lawyer jay sekulow asked, "why are here?" representative hakeem jeffries gave him this answer. >> we are here, sir, to follow the facts, apply the law, be guided by the constitution, and present the truth to the american people. that is why we are here, mr. sekulow. and if you don't know, now you know. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nicely done. nicely done. that was good. >> jon: wooo! woooo! >> stephen: of course, old-school hip hop fans like me know that's a quote from the notorious b.i.g.'s song "juicy." of course, rap has a long history in our nation's discourse. as george washington said in his farewell address, "as the father of the country, please call me big poppa. throw your hands in the ay-a, as you cross the delawaya!" ( laughter ) yeah. so beautiful. >> jon: oh, yes. >> stephen: so beautiful. other than video cameras controlled by the senate, no recording devices are allowed in the chamber during the senate trial. but like in a regular trial, sketch artists are, which is how we know that yesterday idaho senator james risch fell asleep. give him a break. this thing went until almost 2:00 a.m. it's totally understandable that senator risch fell asleep at 5:30 p.m. wow! wow! somebody poke him! he didn't just nod off for a second. he was asleep long enough to be hand drawn. ( laughter ) put a glass under his mouth to see if it fogs up a little bit. the sketch artists got images of all the main characters, including this generous depiction of mitch mcconnell and chuck schumer. and look next to schumer's desk. they have a spittoon! they have to. it's for amy klobuchar. she can make that sucker ring from 50 feet out. "point of order!" ( ping ) >> stephen: thank you, thank you very much. but the sketch artist did take some liberties, like this picture of marco rubio writing with a quill pen. ( laughter ) he actually drew that. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: it seems weird, which is why rubio's office told reporters that he does not use quill pens. so that means the sketch artist can just make things up? that explains this rendering of senator dianne feinstein. we've got a great show for you tonight. john mulaney is here. when we return, i'l be right here with more monologue. there's just too much monologue. i am running to defeat donald trump. in 2016 i warned that donald trump was a dangerous demagogue, and when the republican congress wouldn't hold him accountable, i went to work helping run winning campaigns in twenty-one house seats. it's time for the senate to act and remove trump from office, and if they won't do their jobs, this november you and i will. i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. making everybody happy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're still over here because we have more monologue. one of my favorite comedians, john mulaney, will be out here in just a moment. very talented. now, folks, while impeachment was going on in washington, d.c., trump was in davos, swts, where he held a press conference this morning. one reporter asked if he planned on attending his trial. >> i don't know. i would love to sit in the front row and stare at their corrupt faces. i'd love to do it. ( as trump ) "i'd love to stare at their corrupt faces, and it's like gazing in a mirror. so beautiful. democrats are nice, too. democrats are nice, too. one of the articles against trump is something called obstruction of congress, because the white house is withholding all the materials needed to investigate trump's ukraine scheme. apparently, trump's pretty proud of that crime. >> i thought our team did a very good job. but, honestly, we have all the material. they don't have the material. >> stephen: he's bragging about the thing he's on trial for! ( as judge ) "how does the defendant plead?" ( as defendant ) "your honor, the defendant pleads-- ha-ha-ha you'll never catch me! i killed 'em all! also, not guilty." trump also had some words of praise for his personal attorney, rudy giuliani. >> rudy giuliani is somebody that i think the press has been very unfair to. greatest mayor in the history of new york. he knows corruption, really, better than anybody. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, that's kind of the problem. ( laughter ) it's like saying thanos is an expert at population control. trump was alsont b "marriage story." >> there is some question about this china deal, some people feel it doesn't have enough teeth. >> are you ready? we have tremendous policing. we have a policing aspect of this deal that's the strongest anybody has ever had. if that happens, i'll terminate the deal. i'm not a baby. >> stephen: yeah, trump's not a baby. he has trouble with stairs, throws fits when he doesn't get his way, and he'll only eat french fries and cake. he's a toddler. ( laughter ) ( applause ) then trump squelched over to an interview with cnbc's joe kernen, where he emphasized that it's up to the government to protect innovators, especially ones like elon musk. >> do you have comments on elon musk? >> i was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius. you know, we have to protect thomas edison. ( laughter ) >> stephen: mr. president, sit down. i have some awful news about thomas edison. i can't believe i have to break this to you. of course, a lot of democrats are trying to remove trump from office with an upcoming election, including former south bend mayor and guy watching you sleep on an airplane, pete buttigieg. throughout mayor pete's campaign, he's struggled to garner support from african americans, so on m.l.k. day, he stopped by the brown and black presidential forum, where he was asked a simple, but fun question. >> if antonia and i invited you to a potluck or barbecue, what are you bringing? >> is it a breakfast potluck? >> stephen: no! that's not a thing. ( laughter ) "come over saturday morning. we're throwing some scrambled eggs and oatmeal on the grill!" after clarifying that no, this is not a breakfast cookout, mayor pete settled on this answer. >> it's gonna be chips and salsa. >> okay. >> stephen: nice effort. that's one step above bringing paper plates you stole from the break room at work. plus, you're there to attract african americans. you're pandering to the wrong minority. 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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: everybody, welcome back! ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen, you're in for quite a treat this evening on "the late show." my first guest is a very funny comedian whose new special is "john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch." please welcome back to "the late show," john mulaney! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> they played the little theme song, yes. >> stephen: that's nice. nice to see you again. >> nice to see you, stephen. how have you been. >> stephen: it's been too damn long. >> it's been a little bit. >> stephen: you know what i like about you, besides the fact you're funny and you seem like a nice guy, everybody loves your stand-up specials. you can watch them with the whole family. >> that's nice. >> stephen: can't you? i'm not missing anything. >> people that say. they go, "you're very clean." >> stephen: yes. >> and i'm not, but -- >> stephen: sometimes dark. >> dark, yeah, the darker recess of humanity. i try not to swear, but i do sometimes. >> stephen: okay. >> and i found you can swear if you quote someone. ( laughter ) if you say, "a guy said to me," and then say the filthiest thing you ever thought of, people go, "oh, he said that to you?" they never assign that to the speaker. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> that is how i've become the semidirty cleanest comic in the united states. >> stephen: "john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch" is a netflix special. can people see it now or do they have to wait? >> they can see it now on netflix. it premiered december 24. it's a comedy special, starring me and 15 children. >> stephen: you almost named it "latch key kids." >> yes, john mulaney and the latch key kids. >> stephen: are you surprised i knew that. >> a lot of people think of that as a pejorative term, a bad thing. i was a latch key kid. and that meant you came home and your parents were at work and you had fun, freedom. >> stephen: is this person?" >> oh! >> stephen: is this who we're talking? >> yes. >> stephen: there you go. >> real quick, the haircut, the front bangs, i woke up with gum in my hair, and then i took a pair of scissors, and that's my work right there, snapped it off. >> stephen: you did this? >> yeah, dimy own hair for that photo. >> stephen: it's nice. >> i looked really confident. >> stephen: it's very good. shuuse this as your head shot. >> yeah. that's a cool shirt, honestly. >> stephen: so what was your-- what was your freedom like when upper a latch key kid? a free-range chicken? what were you doing? >> i would come home, i'd watch, like, "maury." >> stephen: found out who the father was. >> and the drill sergeant with the teens. that guy would come out and you were like, "is he in the army for real?" a bad teen would be on, and they'd be like, "i don't care what my mom said." and a drill sergeant came out and would be like, "you're going to be nice to your mother!" and they would cry. and you're like, is this a member of the armed force s. >> stephen: did you get a lesson from that, i should be nice to my mom? >> i'm still nice to my parents. >> stephen: i'm glad to hear it. they asked me to ask you that. >> i always-- i knew it was good for business to be-- always keep-- be nice to them.