>> listen, listen! >> --elevated his personal political interests and subordinated the national security interests of the united states of america. (explosion) >> i'd ask for a 30 minute recess, for dinner. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, same shift, different day. plus stephen welcomes chris cuomo and david alan grier, with a special appearance by jon stewart, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: hey! nice to see you! welcome! perfect! ( cheers and applause ) welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. today -- ( cheers and applause ) today was the third day of testimony in the senate impeachment trial of donald trump. now we've heard -- ( cheers and applause ) back it down. we've heard a detailed description of perhaps the greatest abuse of power ever by a u.s. president, and america is watching. in fact, day one of trump's impeachment trial drew 11 million viewers. that's a lot of people! ( cheers and applause ) it's not super bowl ratings but it's at least puppy bowl ratings. though that's not fair to compare puppies to u.s. senators. the puppies still have their balls. ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you all about it in tonight's "don and the giant impeach." >> president zelensky! i want quid pro quo. >> stephen: as we speak, the democratic house managers are still making their case. and they're trying to keep it simple. like when jerry nadler tried to explain why crime is bad. >> the framers had three specific offenses in mind-- abuse of power, betrayal of the nation through foreign entanglements, and corruption of elections. you can think of these as the a.b.c.s of high crimes and misdemeanors. abuse, betrayal and corruption. >> stephen: ooh, a-b-c, that's good! let me try one. the impeachment one-two-threes: trump never won the popular vote, he's too corrupt to have this job, and three years is enough. ( cheers and applause ) nadler took a minute to burn lindsey graham with his own words. >> then-house manager lindsey graham, who, in president clinton's trial flatly rejected the notion that impeachable offenses are limited to violations of established law. here is what he said: >> what's a high crime? how about an important person hurt somebody of low means? doesn't even have to be a crime. it's just when you start using your office and you're acting in a way that hurts people. you've committed a high crime. >> stephen: all right, but that was lindsey 20 years ago. people change! views evolve! spines disintegrate! ( laughter ) the trial days have been going for hours and hours, which is a lot for some of the senators. today, we learned, in order to be ready for the late nights, iowa republican chuck grassley has been sleeping in until 7:20 a.m. wow, 7:20 a.m., no wonder he looks so well rested. ( laughter ) by law, senators are supposed to sit quietly and pay attention, but today, according to reporters in the gallery, senator burr has a fidget spinner, rand paul has quite the sketch of the capitol going, and marsha blackburn is reading a book. that book? "chicken soup for when you've sold your soul." ( cheers and applause ) it's a fine book. fine book. >> jon: wow, interesting. >> stephen: the rules also say they're supposed to stay in the room, but during last night's session, lindsey graham left the senate chamber for over 20 minutes. when a reporter asked him where he went, graham replied, "to the bathroom." 20 minutes in the bathroom? those are teenage numbers. "lindsey! lindsay, what's going on in there? are you on your phone getting marching orders from the white house?" "ah, no, i swear. i'm masturbating!" ( laughter ) it's not believable, chris. it's not just republicans. the trial didn't end until almost 10:00 p.m. last night, but democratic senator dianne feinstein walked out of the senate chamber at 8:45. she said "good night" to two reporters standing nearby, and left the capitol. that's a bold new take on the democrat's battle cry, "when they go low, we go home." ( laughter ) one reason senators might be ditching is that no electronics are allowed in the senate chamber during the trial, which has caused some lawmakers to revert to more primitive means of communication, like passing notes. we actually got our hands on one of the notes: "do you like covering up trump's crimes? yes, no, or god will never forgive what we have done." ( cheers and applause ) all of the above? all of the above? but you know, if senators are looking for things to do without their phones, we've created an activity book they can play with, called "101 fun things to do in the senate other than pay attention to impeachment." it's loaded with puzzles, like "getting money to ukraine through the maze of corruption." "spot six differences between these two impeachments." and if those two are too hard, "connect-one-dot!" there it is. one. one dot. one dot, please. some senators used a technique that i've embraced for years: eating because you're bored. and the snack rooms are well-stocked. mounds of snacks could be seen in both the democratic and republican cloakrooms, and dick durbin referred to the bounty in the democratic room as a "costco dump." ( laughter ) incidentally, a "costco dump" is the actual reason lindsay graham was in the bathroom for 20 minutes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) cheese balls. lot of cheese balls. you okay? you okay over there? everybody okay? while republicans are fighting tooth and nail to keep trump in office, democrats are still gumming away at each other in the primary. i'll tell you all about it in tonight's: ♪ >> you, off the board, i'm about to drag you off! >> a progressive agenda. i don't know about you but i'm having a good time.'s crazy. >> fury road to the white house, 2020! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. [ applause ] for our graphics department. incredible. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: big news from the campaign of former new york city mayor and man whose upstairs neighbors just started doing it, mike bloomberg. ( laughter ) bloomberg has vowed to spend upwards of a billion dollars to defeat donald trump. and recently, he announced that he plans on helping to fund whoever wins the party's nomination, even if it isn't him. that's great to know. ( cheers and applause ) that is gratifying. nice. nice to know he's got your back on that one that's cool. that's wonderful to hear, but it could get awkward if bernie's the nominee. (as bernie) "thank you, mike, for the billion dollars. i promise you it will go towards a worthy cause: taxing the hell out of anyone with a billion dollars." ( laughter ) but not everyone is on board with this plan. specifically, donald trump, who tweeted: "mini mike bloomberg is playing poker with his foolhardy and unsuspecting democrat rivals. he says that if he loses-- he really means when! --in the primaries, he will spend money helping whoever the democrat nominee is. by doing this, he figures they won't hit him as hard, dot-dot-dot-dot... ...dot-dot-dot-dot during his hopeless 'presidential' campaign. they will remain silent! the fact is, when mini losses, he will be spending very little of his money on these 'clowns' because he will consider himself to be the biggest clown of them all-- and he will be right!" wow. i guess i don't know how to play poker. ( laughter ) (as trump, singing to the tune of "the gambler") "you've got to know when to hold 'em know when to fold 'em know when the dems are clowns mike's the biggest clown. he's right." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it was a lon t ago. way up here is poker, way down here is the punch line. but bloomberg's not out yet. in fact, he's still expanding his 2020 operation, most recently by offering fancy perks, like three catered meals daily, and luring staffers with a macbook pro and an iphone 11. by comparison, the sanders campaign team has offered its staff... (as sanders) "a nickel for the phone booth, and a zoetrope where it really looks like the horse is running." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "the train comes in to the station --" ( laughter ) the bloomberg perks begin even before people get hired. one staffer being courted by bloomberg said that when she arrived at her interview, she was greeted with a "hotel-style buffet." ooh, a hotel-style buffet! so, a waffle station and one woman yelling, "kelsy, hands don't go in the oatmeal. what did mommy say?" ( laughter ) "it's hot, kelsey! kylie!" it's twins. ( laughter ) the president has 53 senators doing his bidding at his impeachment trial. but they're not alone. because this week, trump appointed g.o.p. house members to the impeachment defense team. but one of trump's j.v. grovelers somehow got left off the team-- florida congressman and man unhinging his jaw to swallow all of trump's lies, hicampaign homepage features quotes calling him "the trumpiest congressman in trump's washington." "trump's ultimate defender." and "trump's best buddy." so why did gaetz get left off the impeachment fun club? because he dared disagree with trump a single time. after trump's drone strike on iranian general qasem soleimani, gaetz pushed back and voted to rein in trump's war powers. big mistake. if your lips leaves trump's ass even for a second to put on some chapstick, you're dead to him. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight! chris cuomo is here! ( cheers and applause ) when we come back, is jon stewart underneath my desk? the answer -- stick around! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. jon batiste and "stay human" right there! ( cheers and applause ) you know, mr. cnn himself, chris cuomo, is going to be out here in a minute, jon. ( cheers and applause ) last time he was here, we had a pushup contest. >> jon: yes. an stephen: and i won but he wd. dn >> jon: uh-huh, i remember that, yeah. >> stephen: but we had our top team on it. we had some statisticians look at it and i won. i don't want to embarrass him but i will prove that he lost. stick around for that. folks, the impeachment trial is in full swing, and i know i make a lot of jokes about it, but the foundation of our democracy is really being tested right now. ( knocking ) >> what the hell is going on? ( cheers and applause ) >> sorry. sorry. how's it going? i'm sorry. i apologize! >> stephen: jon stewart! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon stewart! what in the world! always a pleasure to see you but what are you doing down there? >> jon: i'm just feverishly working to put the finishing touches on my new film, "irresistible." >> stephen: that's very exciting, and jon, i'm so glad you happen to be here today. because we're in the heart of president trump's impeachment trial. this is the perfect time for some of that patented jon stewart topical comedy about today's news. and... go! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: action! if i may just very quickly -- no. just very quickly. >> stephen: why not? come on. >> jon: because right now today is thursday january 23rd y january 16. >> stephen: that's last week. the trial hasn't started yet, stephen. >> stephen: really? it's last thursday? are you sure? >> pretty sure, stephen. this is a pre-tape. check today's paper. >> stephen: there it is. breaking news. today's date thursday, january 16. i did not know. well, there you have it. you're not even here right now, jon? >> i'm in l.a. finishing. >> stephen: you're not here? i'm not here. >> stephen: my hand goes right through you! >> i'm not a ghost, stephen. i'm an older man with paper thin skin. ( laughter ) no, you're just pushing on my face. >> stephen: i'm having a hard time accepting it, too. miss you so much, buddy. i'm not dead. we're just pre-taping a segment because i wanted to give you an exclusive first look at some of my new film, "irresistible." >> stephen: oh, great. the big movie you're directing starring your favorite former "daily show" correspondent. let me know when you need me on set. they haven't called me for my wardrobe fitting yet. >> there is a reason for that. we shot it. ( laughter ) it's actually starring steve carrell. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what! it stars steve carrell! >> stephen: you know what? oh, i get it -- >> the second one had no force behind it! ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, i get it! that's better. that's better. >> stephen: oh, i get it, jon. you wanted a less conventionally attractive leading man. but i'm sure it'll be great. what's it about? >> it's a very cool story. steve carell's character is left behind during christmas while his family goes on vacation, s they forget him. they leave steve in the house byhomeself and there's a bit of a crime wave that happens. i don't want to spoil anything, but two burglars try to break into his house-- >> stephen: jon. that's "home alone." >> yes, he's home alone -- >> stephen: no, that's the plot of the movie "home alone." from 1990. >> i don't think so. ( laughter ) the movie is called "irresistible," and it's coming out later this year. let's take a look at the clip! ♪ (macaulay culkin screaming) >> yeah >> stephen: okay. ( cheers and applause ) great movie. >> can i something? steve is so good in this. >> stephen: yes, yes, but that was macaulay culkin. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: jon! are you going to show us some of your new movie or not? >> jon: yes. i'm sorry. that must have been a mix-up. i do have a clip from "irresistible." all you need to know is that steve carell plays a democratic political strategist who jumps into a mayor's race in a small wisconsin town. take a look. (steve carrell screaming) oh, you ( bleep )! >> stephen: jon! that's the "40-year-old virgin." >> i got to tell you, didn't see that one coming. i think that was the water talking. >> stephen: okay. this is irresistible. ( "cats" ) >> stephen: jon? >> jon: i'm sorry. that was from my private porn collection. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you have a public porn collection? >> i do. you can sign up for it. >> stephen: okay, we're running out of time here. we have to go to break soon. >> jon: okay, well, before you subject these people to a bunch of "ads," at least let them watch the commercial for my new movie first. here it is, the trailer for "irresistible." ♪ >> democrats are getting their asses kicked. >> we need some way to road test a more rural e-friendly message. >> if you can't live your principles -- >> in the bad times, i guess they aren't principles, they're just hobbies. >> nice. john wayne and a tractor have a baby and all you can say is nice? >> oh, my goodness, it's so nice. >> colonel jack hastings is our key back into the great now swing state of wisconsin. >> he just doesn't know it yet. you, bull. >> it would be nice. my daughter's here. >> that was your daughter with her arm up the cow? guys like me don't know how to talk to guys like you. do you have a bottle opener? >> no, it's a twist-off. maybe he does need a bottle opener. >> but i would like to offer my services. ( mooing ) >> quiet the cow, please! to help you run for mayor. and if you could get some to face front! i'm telling you jack could be the real deal. the campaign has the attention of the national republican party. >> why are you here? crushing the last piece of hope in your eyes gets me off. nice to see you. you look fat. i'm going to make a big deal of this! >> on here, boys. game on. >> tons of prep, lots of money. his seems a bit crazy. don't put all the black ones in the center. he's running as a moderate. >> this is the a team. all you have is fear. >> 20 bucks says i do better with fear than you do with shame. >> the democratic party can't win. they're getting desperate. this is really just another perfect example of the d.c. elite trying to deck at a time how we should leave. >> that's we, you're d.c. elite. no, i'm actually from here. that's a lie. that's a lie! >> no. what are you even doing? i'm from here. thank you so much. >> no -- ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "irresistible" will be in theaters this spring and you can see the trailer at irresistiblefilm.com. jon stewart, everybody! back in the pit! ( cheers and applause ) i am running to defeat donald trump. in 2016 i warned that donald trump was a dangerous demagogue, and when the republican congress wouldn't hold him accountable, i went to work helping run winning campaigns in twenty-one house seats. it's time for the senate to act and remove trump from office, and if they won't do their jobs, this november you and i will. i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) folks, my first guest tonight is the host of "cuomo prime time" on cnn. please welcome back to the "late show," chris cuomo! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: give me that! give me that! show the people on the back -- >> stick to news. >> stephen: the news is you've got unicorn stickers on the back of your phone. show the people. ( cheers and applause ) did wolf blitzer put those there? are those from your kids? your kids put those on there? >> no. >> stephen: you put those on there? >> do you have a problem with me having these on the back of my phone? >> stephen: no, i want to celebrate your choices, i'm just curious how they got there. >> well, here's how -- sometimes i feel like a clear stone. sometimes i start to get a little jaded. sometimes i'm very sad, and that's purple. the rainbow brings me back, and it makes me feel like i was a unicorn that could eat pineapples and then spit out diamonds. >> stephen: as long as it spits. you said spit, right? >> yes. let's get after it. >> stephen: yes, let's get after it. that is your motto, "let's get after it." what are you getting after it during the impeachment trial? how are you getting after it? >> look, this is about one thing now for the democrats. arguably on the macro level, they want to get the story out, and they're recycle the story and go through it with different iterations. today i thought they had a better job with structure having chairman nadler set out what he was going to tell you and why. that's important in an argument because people get lost in the sameness. >> stephen: i thought repetition tends to drive home the point of the story. >> i'll tell you why you're wrong. here's why. >> stephen: no, i'll tell you you why you're wrong. >> it's not as good. repetition can be good with salient facts, but if you say we're here because he abused his power, because he pressured ukraine and used aid as a leaver up against an announcement of investigations against the bidens, if you say that 15 times, yes, it can be persuasi persuasive. the president has a genius with this with voters. i'll keep saying it, eventually, you will believe it. that won't work in that room. you need to play to the pre-conceptions. >> stephen: are they playing to the room or in some ways playing to people at home? people have said there's no way any republican will change their behind, but the public may change their mind and that's the way. they have no interest in truth, they have a fear to have the voters, and isn't the point to change the mind to have the people at home? ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm waiting for them to reward your cynicism. >> stephen: no, i'm not cynical at all. >> no! >> stephen: okay, go ahead. go ahead. >> no, no, please. it's your show. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, evidently not. go ahead. >> no. well, if you insist. what i would say is this, you're right, they want america to understand what's going on here. it may be the first time people are paying attention, and that's understandable. in terms of moving votes in the rooms, that's where the witnesses come in. i think it's very difficult for senators to justify not having witnesses.