Embuzzler, the deductibowl cut, the i dread paying what i owe, and the mulletmepayless business in the front, bankrupt in the back. So come on into shady cuts today. We cut it right off so you can claim a writeoff. Warning there are limits to what we can hide. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, deductions. Stephen welcomes Mireya Villarreal and musical guest rex orange county, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in this building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen fantastic. Fantastic to be here, everybody. Welcome to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Put the coffee down, dont want anybody to get burned. Weve had some fun with donald trump over the years. Weve laughed, weve cried, weve mostly cried. But every once in a while you get a troubling reminder that hes president. Lke this weekend when, to fill Ruth Bader Ginsbergs seat on the Supreme Court, trump nominated federal judge and inhouse attorney at westworld, amy coney barrett. Senate republicans celebrated by hawking fundraising tshirts that say, notorious a. C. B. R. B. G. s not even in the ground yet and youre stealing her nickname . Thats the most ghoulish move since 1865 when Andrew Johnson called himself honest andy. I shall not perish from this earth. A lot of voters see this as just a naked power grab, because according to a recent washington postabc newsfrosted flakes poll, 57 of americans say the Supreme Court pick should be left to the winner of the president ial election. The majority of americans dont want trump to fill r. B. G. s seat right now. But, if the majority of americans got what they wanted Hillary Clinton would be president , jon snow would be on the iron throne, and mallomars would be available year round. Come on, nabisco have you heard of refrigerated trucks . Seasonal cookie my ass fight it . Fight it. But theres not a lot democrats can do to stop barrett from being confirmed. As illinois senator dick durbin exhaled this weekend we can slow it down perhaps a matter of hours, maybe days at the most, but we cant stop the outcome. Stephen senator durbin is right. Justice barrett is inevitable. Like death and donald trump not paying his taxes. Speaking of which, last night we learned the New York Times obtained Donald Trumps taxes for the last 20 years. We got the returns and trump is in some deep w2 doo. Now, the New York Times wouldnt reveal their sources, but we do have this exclusive leaked footage of times reporters obtaining trumps returns. suspenseful music not sure why it cuts back to Alfred Molina so long there at the end. Hes a fine actor but i think were done when he gets the taxes. bleep . laughter crunching sounds one of the big headlines is that in 2016, the year he won the presidency, trump paid 750 in federal income taxes. laughter 750 . trump paid Stormy Daniels 130,000, and he screwed the country way more. And 750s generous because, turns out, trump paid no income taxes at all in ten of the previous 15 years. Partly because of questionable socalled business expenses, including more than 70,000 paid to style his hair during the apprentice. He spent 70,000 on that . I cant believe im going to say this, but. He should have paid more. Trump found so many loopholes that in 2010, he claimed, and received, an Income Tax Refund totaling 72. 9 million. I assume when the government sends you a refund that big, the chairman of the fed shows up with a giant novelty check. And you know how trumps always talking about how hes under audit . Turns out, thats because the i. R. S. Isnt certain that trumps refund was, uh, the legal. And he better win this audit, because if he loses he would owe the i. R. S. Taxes and penalties that could exceed 100 million. as trump hey, mexico, forget about that wall. Just pay for my tax bill. Uncle sams gonna take my thumbs. Hes gonna take my thumbs theres a good chance ol fake billionaire president wouldnt be able to pay that bill because turns out the president s businesses have amassed chronic losses that he aggressively employs to avoid paying taxes. Its a classic producers situation. Trump tried to earn more money with a flop than with a hit. Also, there are nazis. In fact, since 2000, trumps beloved golf courses have been 315. 6 million in the hole. Someone needs to explain to him that in golf you want a low score, in golf business you really dont want to finish 315 million under par. One of the few things that earned trump any money was the apprentice, which brought him a total of 427 million. So trump made more money in reality tv than he did in reality. That explains his new series so you thought he was a millionaire. Now, some are saying his dire financial straits prove that he only ran for president to reanimate the marketability of his name. But its a classic branding strategy. Advertising is based on one thing destroying democracy stephen in addition to trumps business losses, he is personally responsible for loans and other debts totaling 421 million. To put that in laymens terms i cant. Its 421 million. But i will say this when i graduated from college, i owed my university 100, cause i lost a library book, and they wouldnt send me my diploma. I had to borrow it from my mom. But 421 million, normally you dont find someone who owes that kind of money in the oval office. You find them washed up on the banks of a river. And trump only looks like he washed up on the banks of a river. Bloat gloat slam stephen so, somebody out there, we dont know who, has got the leader of the free world by the short hairs. If he gets reelected, air force one is gonna end up on pawnstars. Best i could do is 2,000. Its got a lot of hamburger stains. Its bad, its very, very bad for a president to owe so much money. In fact, significant delinquent debt disqualifies most people from obtaining a Government Security clearance because its a point of leverage for foreign adversaries. You cant trust anyone with that kind of conflict of interest. You wouldnt want to go in for liver surgery and find out your doctor owes a lot of money to hannibal lecter. Is the patient sedated . Great, open the chianti and start sauteeing the fava beans. Now, of course the president had a response to these allegations. And much like the finances themselves, it doesnt exactly stand up to scrutiny. He tweeted, the fake news media, just like election time 2016, is bringing up my taxes and all sorts of other nonsense with illegally obtained information and only bad intent. Wait. It cant be both made up and illegally obtained. Its a like a husband saying im not sleeping with your sister also, wlking in on us was a huge violation of our privacy. This weekend, joe biden picked up a key endorsement former professional wrestler and building that wished to be a real boy, dwayne the rock johnson. Johnson made his announcement in a video on sunday morning. Happy sunday, everybody. We are approximately five weeks away from election day. Arguably the most critical election our country has seen in decades. Stephen powerful words i assume. I wasnt listening because i was too distracted by how absolutely meatbeefed he is good god. Its like someone stuffed a cashmere sweater full of bowling balls. Jeff koons called. He wants his steel balloon animal back. Pop art slam stephen the rock also posted a clip from a zoom call he did with biden and Kamala Harris where he had a question for them how will the both of you earn the respect of the American People once youre in the white house . By doing what we say were gonna do. By keeping our word the American People are strong, theyre tough. Stephen okay, are you just saying that because youre looking at the rock . as biden theyre strong theyre tough. Theyre bald theyre jumanji, theyre fast furious, theyre hobbes, theyre shaw, theyre ballers, jack come on johnson also had kind words for bidens running mate kamala, im gonna embarrass you just for a little bit because im gonna talk about your your amazing experience. You have been an attorney, a district attorney, a state attorney, a u. S. Senator, smart, tough. Ive seen you in those hearings and, um, in my opinion, you are a certified badass. Stephen wow, that is high praise. The rock certifying you a badass is like trump certifying you as having a bad as. as trump very dumpy. Very dimply. Nice puddin pants. You could really punish the porcelain with that terrible tush. Now, this endorsement could give biden an edge in swing states like north carolina, where the president ial race is tight. Although not nearly as tight as the rocks sweater i mean, come on its like a pile of cantaloupes squeezed into a onesie from the baby gap its too bad for trump that he didnt lock down the fast furious vote, because according to a brand New Washington postabc newse. L. Fudge poll, nationally, biden holds a commanding ten point lead. But remember, thats with a margin of error of plus or minus one electoral college. And weirdly, men have not had much change of heart from four years ago, because trumps lead among men is about the same as his margin over Hillary Clinton in 2016. Come on, my mans youre clinging to trump like a worn out pair of briefs. Let him go, hes nothing but loose waistband and skid marks, and hes making the women in your life lose sexual interest speaking of women losing interest, white women a group that trump won by nine points back in 2016, now favor biden by a 15 point margin. Wow, thats a 24point swing. And the first time trump has made that many women go away without having to pay them. Stormy slamiels stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Mariah carey is here. But when we come back, ill preview tomorrows debate. Cell phone repair. Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your Car Insurance so you only pay for what you need . Just get a quote at libertymutual. Com. Really . Ill check that out. Oh yeah. I think i might get a quote. Not again aah, come on rice. Do your thing. Only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Now any order can be rewarding when you use the app. No matter how you pay, youll be closer to earning rewards and getting more of your favorites for free. More ways to pay, more ways to get rewarded. Starbucks rewards. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Who trust in our performance and comfortable, longlasting protection. Because your strength is supported by ours. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. [phone rings] sore throat pain . Try new Vicks Vapocool drops in honey lemon chill for a fastacting rush of relief like youve never tasted in. Honey lemon ahh woo Vicks Vapocool drops now in honey lemon chill knowinits hard. Re is hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Natures bounty is here for you. Ready to take your immune support to the next level . The number one herbal supplement brand has everything you need to help keep your immune system strong. Immune support comes naturally with natures bounty. In the tubbs fire. The flames, the ash, it was terrifying. Thousands of family homes are destroyed in wildfires. Families are forced to move and higher property taxes are a huge problem. Prop 19 limits taxes on wildfire victims so families can move without a tax penalty. Nineteen will help rebuild lives. Vote yes on 19. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. Lets say hi to our friend mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon. Jon hello. Stephen hows everything in your neck of the woods. Jon its good. Its as good as it can be. Im feeling good. How about yourself . Stephen good. Im hopped up on mallomars. Do you eat them . Jon whats that . Stephen a seasonal cookie. Jon no, never had a mallomar. Stephen you are kidding me. Jon never had one. Stephen thats a mallomar. Do you know whos going to send you . Mallow mars are going to send them to you. Why should i send them to you while im giving them free air time right now . Jon stock them up. Stephen its a seasonal cookie. Theyre only shipping them certain times of the year because its fudge or not, and it also melts. Its all a scam. Jon im ready to try it out. I love cookies. I Love Chocolate chip cookies in they make those. Stephen check those out. You wont regret it. How did farm aid go this weekend . Jon a great cause. Im grad to be part of it. I think it was well received and they raised upwards of 40,000 in an hour show. Stephen thats wonderful. Jon i interrupted you. What were you playing on the piano . Stephen happy changes. I was trying to find harmonic movements that have happiness in it and take myself there. Stephen take us there please, i beg you. lighthearted music jon you know. Stephen sure. Thats the kind of music you want to hear when youre starting your date. Jon yes, its, like, ive got on a good suit, maybe a top hat and a pair of cuff links and im with somebody i love, you know, and im going with it. Stephen thats my vibe for the rest of the night. Jon weve got to stick with that, even if its only in our imagination. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Thanks, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Thank you, stephen. Stephen folks, this is a big week for both candidates, because tomorrow night biden and trump will square off in their firstever president ial debate and the late show is gonna be live the debate will be moderated by fox news Chris Wallace at Case Western Reserve University in cleveland. Earlier today, workers were testing out the microphones, and ended up debating one of the most divisive issues facing america does pineapple belong on pizza . Pineapple is fruit and it doesnt belong on a pizza, pizza should be bread, tomato paste, cheese, and meat and other vegetable toppings. I feel like putting pineapple on it gives the public a false sense of what pizza really is. Is a tomato not a fruit . It is a fruit. Stephen classic pizza debate strategy. Let your opponent talk themselves into a trap. It reminds me of the 96 debates between bill clinton and bob dole. Bob dole believes pizza is a dinner food what my opponent doesnt realize is, when you put pizza on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. applause stephen thats how he won. Clincher. I hope they do debate pizza toppings at tomorrow nights debate. as trump pineapple belongs on pizza, ham belongs on pizza, hamburgers belong on pizza, smaller pizzas belong on larger pizzas. Whatever greasy load of carbs and salt you put in front of me i will shovel directly into the little puckeryhole. as biden come on, man, you cant go putting pineapples on pizza, thats bananas and putting bananas on pizza is pure pineapples back in scranton, we kept it simple you got your sauce, you got your sausage meats, and maybe a little pecorinoromano, none of that Monterey Jack, jack the rare Monterey Jack joke. Just like the election, trump is already predicting that if he loses the debate, itll be because biden cheated, tweeting i will be strongly demanding a drug test of Sleepy Joe Biden prior to, or after, the debate on tuesday night. Prior to, or after the debate . Come on, you call yourself a showman . Do it during as trump ooh, looks like sleepy joe gets performance anxiety when were all watching. And just listen to that weak stream. No way youre getting any respect from xi jinping unless you can write your name on the great wall. To his credit, trump is willing to put his whiz where his mouth is. Whether he is or not does not matter, but i would love to take a test and he can take a test too. Stephen as trump i would love to take a test. Honestly, id love to get anything going, flowwise. My economic plan isnt the only thing thats trickledown. And because this is where we are now, and trump started the whole bodily function thing, a biden spokesperson was forced to respond Vice President biden intends to deliver his debate answers in words. If the president thinks his best case is made in urine, he can have at it. Wed expect nothing less from donald trump, who pissed away the chance to protect the lives of 200,000 americans. Damn, mr. Trump, that must sting like a jellyfish burn which millions of us would be happy to help you with. So, the debate has literally become a bleep contest. Now, theres no reason to think joe biden is on drugs, unless you count exceeding the dosage guidelines for ensure. But if he feels compelled to take this drug test, hell need some advice on how to pass, and my writer django is here to generously offer some surefire drug testing tips. Django, are you there . Thanks for being here. Lshana tova, steve. Stephen and with your spirit. So, how do you pass a drug test . Passing a drug test is all about confidence. Whether the job is president of the United States or grocery bagger at the yulupa Avenue Safeway from 20012003, and then again briefly in 2009. Stephen confidence . I didnt know that. Thats it . Confidence, and an unlubricated condom full of gradea clean stream. Dont bother with the dark web. Its mad sketchy. I sent one guy a hundred bucks. He promised hed fax me his urine. I was waiting around at kinkos all day stephen okay, lets say youve got your clean sample. Then what . When they send you off with your cup, just make sure to bring some nail clippers. Otherwise you gotta jab open a hole in the condom with your keys, next thing you know, youre covered in employment juice. Stephen okay, thats disgusting. So, if biden does all this stuff, you think hell pass the test . Worked for me five years ago. Stephen five years ago . Django, did you cheat on the drug test for this job . Uh. My internets going through a canyon, steve bye phew, that was a close one. Stephen you didnt hang up, django. Stephen colbsquare cant know i smoke pot on the reg. Stephen i can still hear you, django. And its also legal now. Im already in trouble for selling steves hair to those dudes on the dark web so they can grow a colbert clone inside a g