i broke this wrist, i've broken a lot of my fingers. i consider myself very lucky. i put up with all that pain as my payment for my freedoms. so i paid for my freedom to be able to live my life. >> why did you want to be a s.e.a.l.? >> that's a tough question. i wanted to be a s.e.a.l. because it was like the toughest of the tough, and so for me, having my femininity, it was like -- i've heard people say before, it's like escaping into hyper masculinity. and i go yeah, i didn't know what i was doing. i didn't know the term hyper masculinity. but it was more of those layers being on. and that's a huge, thick layer. >> so there was part of you that felt if you could become a s.e.a.l. and be in the toughest of the tough, that feminine side of you would disappear?