i broke this wrist, i've broken a lot of my fingers. i consider myself very lucky. i put up with all that pain as my payment for my freedoms. so i paid for my freedom to be able to live my life. >> why did you want to be a s.e.a.l.? >> that's a tough question. i wanted to be a s.e.a.l. because it was like the toughest of the tough, and so for me, having my inside little colonel of me and my femininity, it was like i've heard people say before escaping into hyper masculinity. i've heard that term thrown around, and i kind of looked back on it. i didn't know what i was doing. i didn't know the term hyper masculinity. but it was more of those layers being on. and that's a huge, thick layer. >> so there was part of you that felt if you could become a s.e.a.l. and be in the toughest of the tough, that feminine side of you would disappear? >> yes. i could totally make it go away.