Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130529 : vimarsana.

attorney general and congressional pinata eric holder into the sarlaac pit of capitol hill. attorney general eric holder was on the hot seat wednesday. pressed for answers by the house judiciary committee. eric holder is being grilled on a couple of scandals that are rocking the obama administration. the attorney general eric holder grilled by lawmakers. grilled by congress. getting peppered with questions. stephen: mmm, grilled and peppered. that explains why darrell issa was wearing that kiss the cook apron. now, holder desperately sparred with the great minds on the judiciary committee, but then he bit off more than he could chew. when he ran up against congressman and magical talking cantaloupe louie gohmert s questions about the f.b.i. s investigation into the boston bombers. you state as a matter of fact what the f.b.i. did and did not do. you simply do not know that. and you have characterize the f.b.i. as being not thorough. i know what the f.b.i. did. you cannot know what i know. that s all. i cannot have a regular order. challenge my character. mr. chairman. regular order, please. gentlemen, we ll without responding to that. the attorney general made statements that what i said was not true when actually the reverse is what happened. the attorney general failed to answer my question about gentlemen, gentlemen. .chairman. aspersions on my asparagus. ( laughter ) stephen: dare you cafta, spergzs on that man s asparagus! what is next, sir, liabling his lettuce? questioning his quinoa. arguing with his arugula. villifying his vinaigrette before drizzling it on the scandal salad? clearly, nation, we are going to need a lot more hearings on asparagus-gate because the more i digest this, the worse it smells. now, nation ( cheers and applause ) i have heard they are clapping with anger! nation, i ve heard that if you don t have anything nice say, don t say it at all. the guy who told me that was an idiot. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger ( cheers and applause ) folks, i have long warned you about the dangers of america s wild rush for wind power, gusty gold the bubblin breeze. well, now that rush has claimed innocent lives. it s a federal crime to kill the golden eagle. got that. about once a month a golden eagle it killed by a windature by. stephen: folks when i see the majestic creatures senselessly cut down in their prime all i can say is in your face, tree huggers! now i know why you re under that tree. because it s raining dead eagles. it is time you smug eco-nuts learn there is no magical fuel source that doesn t have cursed, monkey paw-like consequences, except, of course, the cursed monkey-powered car. it s fool proof if you re stuck in traffic, just pet the paw and the roads will clear but you can t see the road because your glass broken and you ll never be able to read all those books! damn you! that s why i m issuing a firm wag of my man paw at wind turbines, or as i now call them, eagle grinders. ( laughter ) the worst part is they are getting away with sky murder because while the obama administration has prosecuted oil companies, when birds drown in waste pits, and power companies when birds are electrocuted by power lines, they have never prosecuted a wind energy company. and know why. if a politician said i will call a hearing to break big oil, everybody cheers. but if you shout, i will break big wind, they just laugh at you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and the wind lobby s massive influence led one former u.s. fish and wildlife service agent to say if you electrocute an eagle, that is bad. but if you chop it to pieces, that is okay. and if you dice it and throw it in a work with a soy ginger sauce, that is heavenly. not that i ve done that. and if i have, i work for a wind company. nextum on the t-wags, it s no secret that china is emerging as a superpower to be reckoned with. i mean, if their dead people can play football and conduct orchestras, imagine what their live ones can do. and, folks, a recent news story proved that china s quest for influence knows no bounds. china has launched a middle east peace proposal during visits from the leaders of israel and the palestinian authority in a sign of beijing s desire for a larger role in the middle east, chinese leader hi jin ping launched a power-point peace proposal call for an independent palestinian state, alongside israel. stephen: chinaments in on middle east peacemaking, and it could work. they are experts at getting longtime enemies to exist side by side. just look at beef and broccoli. ( laughter ) and that is why tonight, i am issuing a wag of my finger at china. listen up, comrades! brokering peace in the middle east is america s job. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. so, i don t know what your plans are, but, please, don t take over our role as middle east peacemaker. i mean, we love putting our politics and our international reputation right into the middle of thousands of years of mistrust and hatred. oh! oh! and we re so close, too. i mean, we ve really we ve really warmed up that old holly land slot machine. i mean, it s just about ready to pay out in nobel prizes. if you jump in now, you ll get all the credit, and and our afexate nickname, the great satan. plus all the free effigies will you can burn. but i guess you guys win. take the middle east. we ll be over here painting afghanistan. it sure is fun. ( laughter ) we ll be right back. ( cheers and applause )  stephen: how are you, folks? welcome back, everybody. nation, despite the senate s recent kefeet of universal background checks the gun control debate rages on. will america abe place where anyone corporate can get a gun regardless of mental health or criminal record or will we face the nightmare. there is some good gun news coming from a very strange place. your u.s.b. port. jim. boot up your computer. download a file, build a working gun. this isn t a fantasy. this is this is real. this is a video here that actually shows the all-plastic gun being testifiered. it was made from parts created by this 3 d printer which can turn digital files into soiled plastic objects. stephen: that s right, anyone with an inexpensive desktop 3d printer can doin load a file and print the parts of a working firearm in a few hours, making it the fastest way to get a gun in america, next to opening a checking account in texas. ( laughter ) notice, folks, this uses the same 3d printer technology i showed you when the hosted the developers of the makerbot to demonstrate how a desktop computer could be used to print another lethal weapon my head. ( laughter ) don t worry. i never keep it loaded. ( laughter ) printing up your own gun is a great idea, folks, although pro tip if you re printing them up if your entire mountaintom militia, be sure to check the collate box. otherwise it will print out 2,000 barrels then two how recoil sphringz, 2,000 triggers. you ll be sorting and stapling guns all night. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it s happened to all of us. and the moon with the golden plastic gun is 25-year-old university of texas law student cody wilson, founder of defense distributed air, nonprofit dedicated to protecting access to guns, and he is very clear why he wants to make plastic firemans and high-capacity magazines available online. that s a real political act, giving you a magazine. telling you that that will never be taken away. that s real politics. that s rad capitol hill equality. that s what i believe in. i m just resisting. what am i resisting? i don t know. the institutionalization of the human psyche? i m not sure. stephen: yeah. thies real rallying cry. what do we want? guns. why do we want them? i don t know. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) folks, this is a game changer, and not just because it looks like it was made by hasbro. remember, kids, the bright plastic gun is daddy s. this kind of gun is so accessible to so many people so quickly, defense distributed is even calling it a wiki-weapon because like wikipedia it will also be used to settle bar bets. well, sad to say, no surprise, uncle sam goosestepped in last week and boot stomped our online freedoms ordering defense distributed to remove the file that provide instructions for the 3d printed gun until it examines them for legality. folks, this is chilling. the fed has pulled our worldwide weapons and we all know, once something has been deleted from the internet, it is as gone as anthony weiner s crotch. ( cheers and applause ). i certainly hope that was not loaded. ( laughter ) well, nation, i m not going to stand for this. you may not be able to print out a gun, but if you head over to colbernation.com right now, you can download instructions on how to turn your printer into a gun. it shoots 8 1/2 x 11 bullets that give intruders a nasty papercut and then you re going to want to squeeze a lemon on them. we ll be right back. stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest is a professor and advocate of long distance running. nigh nipples will start bleeding halfway through the interview. please welcome daniel lieberman. ( cheers and applause ) dr. lieberman, thanks so much for coming. all right, you are the edwin m. learner of professor of biological sciences at harvard, and you also run the skeletal biology lab. true? i do. i confess. stephen: what is the skeletal biology lab? that sowns like someone someone s profession right before they re fired and become a super villain. what monfrosts are you ready to let loose on mankind. we study why the human body is the way it is? stephen: because god wanted it that way. exactly. stephen: thank you. thies short interview. since we re interested in the evolution of the body, most of the remains we have are fossil bones. so we focus a lot on the skeleton. hence, the skeletal biology lab. stephen: you say running, walking, throwing, sweating? sweating, absolutely. stephen: i don t see showering on that list. there is a shower down the hallway which is very important offer run? stephen: how are those related, walking run, sweating. human beings are among the best long distance runners in the world and one of the reasons we re see sew good is we re good at sweating. if you decide to take your family dog for a run on a hot day gli would not do that, but go ahead. there s a good reason you shouldn t because if you were to run at a reasonable speed you would force your dpog dogto gallup expwsht way in which animals, like your dog, cool is panting, short, shallow breaths. but four-legged animals cannot gallup and pant at the same time. so the poor little doggy will overheat in about 10, 15 minutes and you ll kill it. so don t do that. but, but, imagine two million years ago you re a hunter in the middle of africa. people haven t invented even the spear. they haven t invented the bow and arrow and you want to get dinner for your family. you chase an animal, make it gapul. the animal hides in the bushes, you track tchase it again, and you keep doing this until the animal actually overheats and you can dill cil it without any technology. stephen: can we still do this? can i run down an antelope? ( laughter ) well, watching the way you ran over here, you have such good form, i bet you would have no problem. stephen: do i? absolutely. ( cheers and applause ). stephen: i m wearing these these these toe shoes. they have individual toes. it makes your foot feel like hand is what it feels like. i want to peel a banana with these things. you say running bare footed or if you have to use shoes something like this is better than doing it with shoes on. we pay a lot, you know, for our for our air jordans. well, actually, i think what matters is how you run. and you can run well in boots. you can run bare foot. you can run in shoes. i think what matters stephen: can t run in clogs. you cannot run in clogs. clogs are pretty poor but people have tried. the point is, when you re bare foot you can t get away with stuff you can in a shoe. when you are wearing a shoe there s a big, cushioned heel, and if you overstrike, land with your foot in front of you it hurts. but when bare foot is hurts much more because you have all stephen: that s good. i don t know. if something hurts your body is probably telling you something that you probably shouldn t be doing it. stephen: the next day after exercising my body often hurts. that s why i stopped doing it. that s right. ( laughter ) so, the so, great thing about bare foot running is it s like a free coach. it teaches you how to run lightly and gently, if you re a thump ear sometimes you go running and hear somebody crash in the ground. that s somebody about to go to the hospital. that s an injury in the making because that crash into the ground, that collision sends a shock wave up your body that causes damage to your body. stephen: what has it debate to us? how has it changed our bodies that we are natural runners? it changes our bodies from head to toe. you know what the largest muscle in your body is? stephen: my tongue. actually, you re sitting on it, your gliewtus maximus, your butt. if you look at the butt of a cham pans eye, it s tiny. but humans have large gluteus maximus. you can test this. go ahead. ( cheers and applause ). stephen: that s night noois. that s nice. now run. now hold your butt while you run. feel it crunching up? yeah, exactly. what your butt is doing, every time you hit the ground your body wanteds to fall forward but you have a big, incredible gliewtus maximus that keeps you from falling over. stephen: if you see someone with a big butt perhaps the polite thing to say is, wow, are you really evolutionary advantaged. and i cannot lie. ( cheers and applause ). so we have all kinds of features in our bodies that make us great at running. we have short toes, and springs in our feet, and special sensory apparatuses in our ears. well, the inner ear. stephen: what about chewing because i am an expert chewer. you study chewing. i m a bit of a long distance chewer. you can do a fruit by the foot like you wouldn t believe. why is our chewing different than other everything choose. the amazing thing about us is how little we do it. if you went and observed a bunch of chimpanzees and gorillas, they would respond half a day chewing. a hunter gatheringer eating an original diet would spend 5% of their day chewing, and might be a typical american and spend three minutes chewing. we ve changed our heads and shrunk our teeth and lost our snouts and excretely changed stephen: we have snout? yes. stephen: when did we have a snout? about three million years ago, the same time we started running, start throwing, there was a big shift in our bodies. stephen: it will be flopping around the whole time. anything not tied down will be flopping around when you run. i think that s why we developed underwear, as well. stephen: all right. doctor thank you so much for joining me. dr. daniel lieberman, don t run with shoes on. we ll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). stephen: that s it for the report, from comedy central s world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. good one tonight. one of our favorite mrs. david sedaris is going to be joining us later on tonight. (cheers and applause) jon: but first if you get your news from the print media you might not be aware of the biggest story of the century. jodi arias. jodi arias. a verdict is reached in the trial of jodi arias. we find the defendant as to count 1 first-degree murder guilty. jon: an end to the saga that thousands of people who would actually do anything they could to get off jury duty were fixated on for 18 weeks. it is a sad story all around. a young woman possibly facing the death penalty. the victim s family gets justice but it doesn t bring back their loved one. no one shellishes relishes a moment like this. nobody delights in the gruesome spectacle. nobody slurps each lurid detail like it was a perverse joy, like they were an engorged tragedy tick. nobody would wait a minute s that nancy grace?