Composite Illustration by Saad Arifi Convinced by our prime minister, through a series of letters mailed to Geneva, the European Union has decided to accept [reject?] modernity and formally adopt Pakistan’s blasphemy laws. France is among the many countries that will start executing people for upsetting religious beliefs, in the true spirit of free speech and tolerance. Switzerland, meanwhile, has written just as many letters back saying, ‘We are not part of the EU but we’ve forwarded your dispatches to Brussels.’ The prime minister, who understands the West better than the West understands itself, also wrote to the United States, applauding its recent decision to stop fighting America’s war in Afghanistan. “American interests have nothing to do with the United States, just like they had nothing to do with Pakistan. It was a terrible decision. Afghanistan is called the graveyard of umpires for a reason.”