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that actually was kind of delayed by the death of my father. by sort of restarting at 10. but i had certainly a different point of view than the children around me. >> there is a writer mary gordon who wrote about fatherless girls. i think it applies -- my mom quote it all the time. it's a fatherless chide thinks all things possible and nothing is safe. and i never really understood when it my mom would say it. i come to understand it. >> all things are possible in the positive and negative. >> great things can happen. the phone can ring and your whole life can change for better or worse. but i became what i refer to as a ka tass troe fist. i didn't want to be surprised and hurt again so i started sort of plunging head first into the things that scared me most. i would take survival courses in the wilderness to know i could survive in, you know -- >> i didn't have that reaction. i read a lot of science fiction. >> but i have heard you say that

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