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COM The Daily Show March 29, 2016

To commit literally every sin possible laughter until their bodies shut off. Thats not something i remember. Uh, look, obviously, the truth is that st. Patricks day isnt very big in africa. Like, you know, youre not gonna get a nigerian guy whos like, ah, today everyone is irish. laughter uh. In america, though. In america, though a lot of people dont know this black people are the whole reason st. Patricks day happens. You see, um, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the street. Yeah. But if one black guy showed up, one black guy, the cops would be like, okay, shut it down. Shut it down shut it down its a riot its a riot shouting, applause so youre welcome. Youre welcome, white people. Enjoy it. laughter but lets turn to the big story tonight. By now youve probably all heard that yesterday president barack obama finally made his big pick. And no, were not talking about march madness, were. laughter were talking about his selection to ....

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COM The Daily Show March 18, 2016

Patrick, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beep bier into 10 pints of vomit. Apparently, this is supposed to be a religious holiday. Now, im no biblical scholar, but i dont remember jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible until their bodies shut off. Thats not something i remember. Look, obviously, st. Patricks day isnt very big in africa. Youre not going to get a nigerian guy who is like, today, everyone is irish. laughter in america, though, a lot of people dont know this, black people are the whole reason st. Patricks day happens. You see, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the streets. Yeah. But if one black guy showed up, the cops would be like, okay, shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down its a riot its a riot so youre welcome. Youre welcome, white people, enjoy it. Lets turn to the big story tonight. By now youve probably all heard ....

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COM The Daily Show March 18, 2016

Suit yourselves, guys. Okay, honey. Lets lose the tops. All right. Got my lube. Okay. All right. Here we go. Dan yella. This is cool. This is fun. Its like a dream come true, honestly. All right. Mmm. Potent smell. Smells like sandwiches. Nice. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central trevor welcome to the daily show. Im trevor noah. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Youre in for a treat tonight. Our guest joining us, theo james is here cheers and applause theo james. But first things first, happy st. Patricks day, everybody. cheers and applause yeah. Yeah. I have to be honest i dont really know much about st. Patrick, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beep b ....

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COM The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore March 18, 2016

Wouldnt pick him because hes too moderate, and back in 2010, hatch called garland a consensus nominee. Well, g. O. P. , obama picked the moderate, so does that mean Senate Majority leader and oldage mutant ninja turtle Mitch Mcconnell will relent in his blockade against an obama nominee . No, it does not. According to his spokesperson, mcconnell called garland today to let him know, since the senate will not be acting on this nomination, he would not be holding a perfunctory meeting, but me but he wished judge garland well. Larry called him . Mcconnell broke up with him over the phone . as mcconnell hi, ms. Garland. Uh, is merrick home . Hey, merrick. This is mitch. Hows it going . Yeah, me, too. Look, i dont think ill be able to see ya. Well, i just got out of a long relationship with another justice. Yeah, i do think it was murder. No, they never found the pillow. Look, m ....

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COM The Daily Show March 29, 2016

They got em, its over i love you. I love you, too [all crying] so wait, thats it . What about the chinese invasion . I really dont care anymore, butters. You see, ive learned something today. As americans, our fear of seeing another country become powerful can turn us into monsters. Watching how crazy you went, watching you just shoot people in the dick like that, it made me realize that i want america to be safe, but not at the cost of losing its dignity. Id rather us be chinese than a nation of unethical dickshooters. You think about it. I cant believe they put em in jail. I thought that movie was pretty good. Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is. cheering, applause welcome to the daily show. Im trevor noah. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Youre in for a treat tonight. Our guest joining us, theo james is here cheering ....

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