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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20140513

Satanic individual would stoop to such inhuman depths. The attackers are believed to be members of boko haram, a militant al qaeda inspired group that wants its own Islamic State in northern nigeria. Religious satanic people. Jon does it not say in the karan, kidnap the innocent girls for they are sully oh t doesnt say that, right, thats right. But you know what, [bleep]. The New York Times today read abduction of girls an act even al qaeda can condone. Jon wow. You know theres not a lot of times you will get a jewish guy to go i agree with al qaeda. But wow. So the Nigerian Group boko haram over al qaeda, the group that never saw something full of civilians it didnt want to blow up as saying, its not an option. Who is the nigerian maniac who has caused al qaeda to complain that he is the smirch besmirching their good nam ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20140514

The Koch Brothers, the industrial magnates currently tied for fourth on forbes list of richest americans with 36 billion apiece. In 2012, the Koch Brothers Political Network raised 400 million to support conservative causes. Raised raised found found in the Koch Brothers conservative club house couch cushion. By the way for 400 million couldnt you buy your own damn country . You could rule it any way you want. No pants tuesdays . Done thankfully, one member of congress is putting foot down and his dukes up. The top democrat in the u. S. Senate, majority leader harry reid, has now mentioned the billionaire Koch Brothers this year more than 140 times. They are in it to make money. Any attempt to buy our democracy ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20140516

But first, india, a land of technological wizards is india, colored powders, bread that appears to need sauce and cheese, a mysterious and exotic place unless youre one of the is. 3 billion people who live there then you probably dont reduce it to the three cultural stereotypes that we are aware of oh, crazy sex positions, three steer to types. First, india had an election. Indian campaign seans just started heating up, if i remember correctly. After five weeks of balloting, voting in indias marathon election is now over and the country waits to see who will become the next Prime Minister. Aw, over already . Now what am i supposed to watch on indian tv . Its months until the new season of real housewives of arunachal pradesh. I really hope i said that somewhere near correctly. laughter the results arent final yet, so whos in the running . Leading the ruling India National
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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140424

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen hell yea , boom, right there, oh yeah, welcome to the report, everybody. Good to have you. cheers and applause stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. Thank you so much. Please, please, sit down, folks, in here and if anybody at home is standing up take a squat, folks, you watch this show. You know i love numbered lists. One, two, three. I could go on. The main reason i love them is because america is always at the top. We are number one in billionaires, worker productivity, and percentage of population behind bars. cheers and applause stephen yes. Hell yeah eat that rwanda. But sadly i may be falling out of love ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20140326

[cheers and applause] the daily show my guest tonight Amy Yates Wuelfing and but thehole surfers lead gibby haynes about a new book about new jersey punk club city gardens where rumor has it the shows were amazing and the bartenders were sarcastic virgins. [laughter] first well check in with the situation in eastern europe. Last time we looked Vladmir Putin was insisting russia had no soldiers in crimea, russia had no designs on crimea and russia wasnt that stumped in a crossword clue for six letters former soviet ma peninsula starting with c. Most are under russian control. Armored vehicles slashed through wall walls and troops took over the last remaining Ukrainian Air base. Jon there has to be an entrance. What are you doing . What are you kool aid man, come on be a person. Obviously the kool aid man could be forgiv ....

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