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jon: stephen, aren t you covering the midterms? stephen: why jon, didn t you already cover them? jon: i did, but there s more. stephen: who? alaska. stephen: who else. jon: louisiana. stephen: that s a state, shaped like a boot, right? any big house races? jon: i m not going to do the show for you. stephen: i m paint ago fence tonight! damn you, stewart! (cheers and applause) stephen: join us tonight for election results. jon: i would urge you to stay tiewntd for our good friend, very talented, lovely man, lovely person, mr. stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) (eagle caw) stephen: detour to gridlock and things i am totally interested in. no, don t change the channel! (cheers and applause) well come to the report welcome to the report ! (audience chanting stephen ) thanks, folks! we ve got to do the show. thanks so much, everybody! thank you so much, folks! thank you for joining us in here and out there for this an historic night, the ....
hands? will the g.o.p. tighten its grip on the house? did any one really vote? and it s my last election night special. ( audience reacts ) as you know, i m going off the air next month to pursue my dream of never covering mid terms again. and tonight i m coming to you live! see, it says right up there! ( cheers and applause ) right up there in the corner it says live, right up there on the screen. though from my side of the screen it actually spells evil ( laughter ) that s kind of creepy. jimmy, can we change that to something less spooky from my side like red rum? that s better. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. folks, you will notice tonight s show is more urgent, more intense, more past my bedtimey. so to keep me sharp i am hopped up on an american flag speed ball of red bull, meth and viagra! ( cheers and applause ) yes, ladies and gentlemen, tonight the stakes are high and so am i! it s a free-for-all! because republicans are poised to take back ....
welcome to the report ! ( audience chanting stephen ) thanks, folks! we ve got to do the show. thanks so much, everybody! thank you so much, folks! thank you for joining us in here and out there for this an historic night, the 2014 midterm elections! no election has ever been more mid-portant. so many questions have been answered, will the senate change hands? will the g.o.p. tighten its grip on the house? did any one really vote? and it s my last election night special. ( audience reacts ) as you know, i m going off the air next month to pursue my dream of never covering mid terms again. and tonight i m coming to you live! see, it says right up there! ( cheers and applause ) right up there in the corner it says live, right up there on the screen. though from my side of the screen it actually spells evil ( laughter ) that s kind of creepy. jimmy, can we change that to something less spooky from my side like red rum? that s better. ( cheers and applause ) than ....
i m so excited. oh, oh and tonight i get to open the last door on my bill o reilly adventical ender. all right, here we go. let s see, here it is, here are the three wise men. you got the got neil cavuto, john gibson, sean hannity. the angel is anderson cooper, the ass is alan colmes, no surprises, joseph is joseph, i m the virgin mary and her is bill o reilly in the manger. got to open that last door, what s the prize going to be. what? oh, it s geraldo s mustache! oh my goodness. oh, yeah. oh. that is (cheers and applause) stephen: that is nice. a little warm for that, i got to say. all right, bill and i are going to fix the world tonight. and folks i got to tell you, the world needs fixing. look at this map from today s usa today , okay? the democrats are taking over the country. six months ago this map was all reds. that s not the most frightening thing i saw today. check out this front page. and i m not talking about peter o toolee, look at this headline, righ ....
and i will give you the best information nasa has about what is going on with climate and it is not my place to argue about the politics of it. so you know the attack on what a scientist is you know, are we not allowed to be human? am i not allowed to go on television and say i m scared. it s not that i m going to tell you what to do but i can tell you my emotional response. it has become very apparent to nasa scientist that delivering more and more data about with god the oceans. i can say the isotopic ratio of the carbon dioxide released human activity is doing this and it s not the sun because we ve been studying the sun very closely for 30 years. so all of these data are not helping in the debate. so instead, we try to drop back into storytellers as people and human beings trying to tell the story. i will wrap up with one quick anecdote. if you ever wonder how much of an entertainment value people get out of this very debate come i appeared on fox and friends this y ....