day. more than 17 million americans were expected to call in sick to work today. which i get it. i overdid it too. i had so much to eat and drink yesterday, i started to hallucinate. i woke up on my couch, i don't know what time it was, but i woke up and i imagined i saw lil' wayne dressed as a robot. weird, right? anyway. [ cheers and applause ] i will say this. the best part of the super bowl for me this year was knowing that matt damon spent the day sobbing into his tom brady -- [ laughter ] it was a good game, a fun game to watch. the kansas city chiefs as you know came back from a ten-point deficit in the fourth quarter to beat the 49ers and win their first title in 50 years, which to put that in perspective the last time the chiefs won the super bo the jackson 5 had their first number one hit. true. marcus we wilby was the most popular show on tv. and bernie sanders had just had his first great great-grandchild. [ laughter ] it's exciting. because he's old, guillermo. >> guillermo: i know. >> jimmy: running back damien williams is here tonight from the chiefs. [ applause ] he brought a friend with him as well. or maybe vice versa. damien scored two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. so he's a happy guy. j. lo and shakira did the halftime show. most everyone seemed to like that. including former florida governor jeb bush, who wrote "best super bowl halftime show ever." [ laughter ] period. no exclamation point. low energy. low energy. [ applause ] that's just jebby from the block. you know, according to "usa today" the most popular super bowl commercial was the jeep ad where bill murray rode around with a groundhog. and the least liked commercial, coming in at number 62 of 62, was for donald trump's re-election campaign. that's true. [ cheers and applause ] not a joke. rated last. donald trump is less popular than scientology and a hummus. [ laughter ] trump did weigh in after the game with well wishes for the winners. he wrote "congratulations to the kansas city chiefs on a great game and a fantastic comeback under immense pressure. you represented the great state of kansas and in fact the entire usa." unfortunately for the president, the chiefs are not in kansas. they're in missouri. kansas city, missouri. so trump had to delete and correct the tweet. i wonder who the lucky staffer who had to tell him that. i think that's when they send in ivanka in those situations. [ laughter ] it's dumb of course because he's dumb. but sometimes i think -- sometimes i think trump might be doing this on purpose to find out which of his back slappers go deepest up his butt. for instance, there's a guy named matt schlapp who runs the conservative political action conference. he leapt to the president's defense. he wrote "dear east coast establishment, kansas city, kansas is in kansas." right. there is one. but that's not the kansas city where the chiefs play. which is clearly what trump was referring to. and i guess that's the kind of person you grow up to be when your name is matt schlapp. [ laughter ] that guy's a real matt schlapp. [ applause ] i don't know what happened. trump must have worked out quite a sweat gorging on chicken wings last night because this was his official schedule today as released by the white house. first order of business of the day, 12:30 p.m. tuna salad sandwich with mike pence. and then that's it. [ laughter ] who do you think dreads that lunch more, trump or pence? i think it's a tossup. i really do. trump did take time yesterday to spoon with his pal sean hannity on the super bowl pregame show. these guys are very tight. but if you were expecting a line of softball questions from sean, well, yeah, that's compactly what happened. >> what do you love about sports? >> well, it's sort of a little baste microcosm of life. you know, you have winners, you have champions, you have people that you expect to see that final play. you have great coaches like belichick. you have people that you expect more out of and oftentimes they produce. then you have people that you just don't expect are going to do it and oftentimes they don't. it's a microcosm of life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. okay. same question. this time answer in english, please, so we can understand it. this was quite an interview. you know when obama -- obama did his first super bowl interview on fox with bill o'reilly. it was a big deal. but they talked about a lot of issues including health care. president trump used his time to roast battle his rivals. >> i just think of sleepy. i just watch him. he's sleepy. sleepy joe. i think he's a communist. i think of communism when i think of bernie. you could say socialist. but didn't he get married in moscow? that's how pocahontas got started. everything's a fairy tale. this woman can't tell the truth. you know, now he wants a box for the debates to stand on. okay. it's okay. there's nothing wrong. you can be short. why should he get a box to stand on? okay? he wants a box for the debates. why should he be entitled to that? really. does that mean everyone else gets a box? >> jimmy: this box thing was directed at former mayor michael bloomberg, who trump claims, without any evidence, that -- i don't know. this seems to be something he made up. that bloomberg has asked to stand on a box for the next debate. because he's short. trump calls bloomberg mini mike. again, because he's short. while bloomberg himself took the high road. one of his senior advisers, a guy named tim o'brien, did not. >> i've been asked a lot lately because trump has been coming after mike so much, you know, what's it like to be in donald trump's head so much. and what i've said to people is when you get inside donald trump's head all you're going to discover that you find there is a putter, a cheeseburger, a porn video, and somebody else's credit card. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he forgot the bronzing butter. that would make for quite a bumper sticker. the impeachment trial is still going on. it's not over. it's like a football game with a 30-point lead running out the clock. today they had closing arguments which were very much like the opening arguments you but without any witnesses or evidence in between. but you have to hand it to mitch mcconnell for cutting out the middle man getting ride to the vertical being innocent. as you know, republicans in the senate on friday voted to not hear from wintszs in this trial. with the exception of mitt romney of utah and susan collins of maine. susan collins voted for witnesses but only after waiting to make sure her vote wouldn't matter at all. kenneth starr today, trump's attorney, referenced dr. martin luther king jr. when he was defending trump. so happy black history month, everybody. at least irony and democracy died together. the president took a victory lap on the links this weekend. on saturday he tweeted "getting a little exercise this morning." which for the record if the activity you're doing involves you getting driven around in a pair of dockers with a 52-inch waist that's not exercise. that's golf. [ applause ] some political analysts are saying -- are worried that once he is acquitted by the senate trump will be even more reckless than he's been so far, now that he knows there's no penalty for abuse of office he will be drunk with power is the concern. the president was in iowa ahead of the caucus there, where we slowed that drunken power down to half speed for tonight's village people edition of "drunk donald trump." ♪ [ music slowing down ] [ voice slowed down ] >> the song, i just walked in and they're playing the song. "ymca." so when you're having a hard time -- just think of the song. ♪ ymca and you're -- ♪ >> jimmy: it's called a moronic device. the iowa caucus was the big deal of the day for democrats today. why, i still don't know. the iowa caucus is a lot like polaroid cameras in that no one understands how they work. iowa gets to go first because i don't know, i guess they have nothing else to look forward to. but you live in iowa, you don't actually have to be in iowa to cast your vote. this is from what they call a satellite caucus in port charlotte, florida. this is where the snowbirds from iowa go. and this just tells you caucuswise all you need to know about this process, especially when you throw a little florida in the mix. >> sanders sanders sanders sands steyer 2. warren 12. yang 1. and i don't have uncommitted yet. >> is there any uncommitteds? in the hole. okay. were you uncommitted back there? >> jimmy: what about deceased? is anyone deceased? [ laughter ] no? okay. good luck hacking that, putin. [ applause ] i didn't really pay attention to what was going on in iowa tonight. i was very busy tonight trying to figure out which of the 15 bachelorettes will win peter's caucus. [ laughter ] the big drama this week was between kelsey and tammy, who -- tammy had a lot to say about kelsey. >> kelsey is a hot mess. she's been crying for weeks. she cried over a champagne bottle for four days. i don't think when my grandpa died i cried for that long. >> jimmy: well, maybe you didn't love your grandpa as much as she loved that champagne bottle. have you thought about that? [ laughter ] it got messier from there when kelsey called tammy out for spreading rumors about her. >> that's the only thing i addressed and said about you. >> i didn't start the popping pills thing. i heard that from someone else. >> from who, then? >> i don't know what kind of medication you take. >> i take adderall and birth control. >> jimmy: your honor, the defense rests. and of course both kelsey and tammy got roses. another woman who got a rose tonight has an interesting way of expressing discomfort. like a hungry gila monster mckenna the bachelorette seems to sense danger with her tongue. [ lahter ] >> in that [ bleep ] group date and you said -- >> i never said popping pills. >> you on the couch. >> i didn't start the popping pills thing. i heard that from someone else. ♪ ♪ la-la-la-la-la-la >> jimmy: that was a different show. that was the super bowl. [ applause ] a lot of people, they underestimate 102 million americans watched the super bowl last night. but some did not watch the game. so this afternoon we went out on the street and asked people about things that did not happen during the super bowl. no one saw any of the events our reporter's about to describe. but did that stop folks on the street from weighing in on them, of course not. in this super bowl liv edition of "lie witness news." [ applause ] >> we're getting people's reflections of the super bowl yesterday. what did you think of the game? >> oh, man. i loved it personally because i'm a cheese fan. >> did you think it was weird they named joe montana mvp? >> no, i didn't think it was weird. to me that's fine. >> when the losing quk spoke to the press after, did you think it was disrespectful when he said thanks for nothing, god? >> yeah. that's a poor sportsmanship comment. >> what about mahomes when he said i'm not going to disneyland, i'm going to arby's? >> listen, i thought that was great because everyone's expecting disneyland and he's like arby's. i [ bleep ] love arby's. >> did you think it was odd that j. lo flashed a nipple as a tribute to janet jackson? >> no. i quite enjoyed that. free the nipple. enjoy your body. embrace it all. >> how did people react to that when you were watching the game? >> i think the group of people i was around, they were for it. >> how do you feel about the american dairy council insisting they dump hot milk over the winning team's coach instead of gatorade? >> i don't -- i don't like that. go with the gatorade. when they came and instead of jumping in the big old tub of gatorade they dumped some milk it seemed -- to me in essence they were whitewashing, right? is what it meant for me, is that they were whitewashing the nfl. >> what about the part where shakira gave a lap dance to terry bradshaw? did you think that was inappropriate? >> not at all. >> did you like that part? >> yeah, it was pretty good. >> when she gave a free lap dance to terry bradshaw. >> i didn't -- oh, yeah, i did see that one. >> what did he do? >> and he was kind of into her, kind of like groping her. >> a lot of people reacted to the go daddy ad that betty white was in. how did you feel when she appeared completely nude? >> a little uncomfortable. i love you, betty. but yeah. granny vibes. >> but for 90. >> ain't nothing wrong with it. some people love granny [ bleep ]. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what did he say? i'm very sorry for that. i really have to start coming to rehearsal. hey, we've got a good show tonight. tonight we have music from hot country knights, which you will like. we have the new super bowl champion damien williams and his friend eric stonestreet are here. we'll be right back with will arnett. >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by mazda. ♪ at progressive park! insurance themed fun ♪ children: yeah! announcer: ride the totally realistic traffic jam. ♪ beep, beep, beep, beep children: traffic jam! announcer: and the world's first never bump bumper cars. children: never bump! announcer: it's a real savings hootenanny with options that fit your budget. that's fun for the whole family. announcer: only at progressive par... maybe an insurance park was a bad idea. yeah. yep. ♪ woah. is this the future? this is the present. here is your order, bills. excellent! (guitar riff) ack ack ack ack ack! ack ack! ♪ where are they? yes, r2. i am quite aware we are lost. (beep sounds) i don't know. land you'll see it's actuallyn made of countless imperfections. those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds... that one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100% fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. true, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. but when you put it all together, ha ha it's perfect made perfecter. ♪ ba da ba ba ba >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back to the show. tonight, he's a super bowl champion from the kansas city chiefs. running back damien williams is with us. he scored two touchdowns last night and naid a friend named eric who will be here with him too. then they are currently on tour with dierks bentley. their song is called "asphalt." a very special performance. really take that album cover in for a moment if you would. from a very special band, hot country knights from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night after the state of the union address former senator al fraenken will be her. pee wee herman himself paul reubens will be here, we'll have music from big thief and later this week nick kroll, billy crystal, tika sumpter, the tenderlos, plus music from kelsea ballerini and russ. so please join us for all that. you know our first guest tonight as bojack, batman, bluth, and a bevy of big names that don't start with the letter b. next he joins the well-tanned white-toothed league of game show hosts on lego masters. it premieres wednesday night on fox. please welcome will arnett. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ look at that. wow, you know, i always thought these were made of metal, but these are really cheap -- what are you doing? >> nothing. why are you so paranoid? >> jimmy: why are you so clean all of a sudden? >> it's good to see -- let's not touch again. good to see you. >> jimmy: this trophy looks like it's made out of lego -- >> it's made out of lego! [ applause ] >> jimmy: tell me about your super bowl viewing experience yesterday in your prefabricated home. >> you know, you never miss an opportunity. i built a home in a day. >> jimmy: don't even bother. >> this really -- there are two things that get jimmy. you ready? one is that i live in a prefabricated home that was built in a day. knows it took three years. the other is i was going to start a vape company. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and tell them -- tell them what your angle was, though. >> the angle was it was going to be not nicotine because that's bad for kids. >> jimmy: what was the -- >> it was going to be like vitamin c, vitamin b. right? flavor. you have it. >> jimmy: so in the morning before the kids went to school don't forget to vape your vitamin c. [ applause ] >> vape your vitamin c. and it seemed like a good idea until it turned out the vapes were killing everybody. [ laughter ] but jimmy -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry. we've gone into an inside joke hole here. and that inside joke being your actual life. but will -- [ laughter ] >> true that. >> jimmy: tell me about "bojack horseman." >> sure. >> jimmy: the last six episodes -- >> i'm going to start sitting like trump. you know why he does that. so the tie doesn't rest on his stomach, so it goes straight down. >> jimmy: oh. >> that's why. >> jimmy: is that why the tie's so long? >> so the tie goes long, which is why he has to tape it, because he's already missed the rung to tuck it in. the narrow end is too short because he's made it long so it doesn't go -- because if he's back like this it's going to go like this, right? so he's got it hanging straight down because he wears lifts as well. that's yes does the thing where he's always like this. so the tie goes -- it's an old -- the guy's in show business. as much as he hates talking -- you know, people in show business. he's in show business. >> jimmy: will knows this because they're really good friends, actually. >> yeah. by the way -- really good friends? all i'm saying is one more kind of piece of bad news i might not vote for him next time. [ laughter ] i might not. >> jimmy: this is not your problem anyway. because you -- >> because i'm a filthy canadian. that's what you were going to say. >> jimmy: no, a pretty clean canadian. but you are now a part of the canada walk of fame. >> true story. >> jimmy: which is like -- [ applause ] -- the hollywood walk of fame but for a whole nation. >> a whole nation. not just hollywood. canada's walk of fame. i've been embraced by the entire nation. do you know what that's like, to be embraced by a nation? >> jimmy: i have no idea. >> it's unbelievable. it's like this big warm simultaneously chilly because it's quite cold embrace because it's amazing. i went up there. i did the hollywood walk of fame. i did a speech for baitman. for jason bateman. [ applause ] >> jimmy: your good friend. you spoke in his honor. >> i spoke in his honor. were you there? >> jimmy: i was not there. >> you were out of town. >> jimmy: i don't think i was invited. >> there's no way you weren't invited. you're good friends with jason bateman as well. but i went to that. the hollywood walk of fame thing it feels like it's produced out of the back of a van. it's pretty -- no, it's true. wait, who got offended? [ laughter ] boy. it really takes anything these days, right? >> jimmy: this one is a very elegant affair. >> it was very elegant. i was there with my dad. we were watching, we had mark messier was getting -- his sister was doing his speech. it was really nice. >> jimmy: mark messier. who were the other canadians? >> frank gary, mark messier, triumph the band. sidney clausen, who's a speed skater. gosh, i'm missing -- this really looks badly on me. >> jimmy: a children's television host. >> mr. dressup. you sent me the clip right after it came out. >> jimmy: by the way, if you'd never seen mr. dressup, which i haven't seen until today. >> it's surprising. >> jimmy: yes, it is. it's like a weird canadian mr. rogers. >> yes. that's quite accurate. i was backstage getting ready, and i was like oh, what's kimmel sending me? oh, he finds this strange. but then i watch and my dad's got to go up -- when it's my turn my dad's going to do a sort of intro speech and i see mark messier the great hockey player and his sister's inducting him and his friends. it's a very nice and touching moment and they sort of hug and kiss. my dad turns to me and goes, by the