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>> nobody knew that health care could be so complicated. >> it's "the late show with stephen col" >> tonight, one stone overturned. plus, stephen welcomes julia l and musical guest moses sumney featuring jon batiste and stay and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ( cheers and applause ) hey! i like it. thank you so much, everybody, please, have a seat. my friend, good to see you. welcome, welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. the 2020 election-- ( applause ) everybody is excited. you know why, jon, it's because the 2020 election is finally under way. today was the new hampshire pr so after a year of campaigning, we only have nine months to go. i'll give you all the latest in tonight's edition of... >> i have a plan for that. >> a progressive agenda. ( horn beeping ). >> you're a lying dog-faced pony soldier. >> i think they will end up being the losers. >> fury road to the white house, 2020. >> stephen: his tire is cut, man. his tire looks good. >> jon: he got cut. >> stephen: now, we taped the show before the polls closed today so we don't know who won in new hampshire, or iowa. ( laughter ) but we know the results from t midnight primaries held in town like dixville notch-- which, of course, is a tiny hamlet on the border of taintown trench, next to grundleton, penis township, and munchbutt canyon. ( laughter ) the dixville notch primary had msnbc's brian williams pretty excited. >> as we watch this, this will be like an athletic event. we can do color commentary. first of all, we need to establish that northern new england is st beautiful and that there are portions of northern new hampshire where moose way outnumber people, as it should . ( laughter ) >> stephen: "as it should be?" that's a little odd, but it explains his sign-off: ( as williams ) "for msnbc, i'm bria bow before our moose masters, you human scum. good night." ( laughter ) bloomberg won dixville in a landslide, but that's not saying much, given that the town only has five residents. five. he used his cash advantage to buy targeted advertising, like: "kevin, vote for me. i'll make sure carol comes back." and this one: "carol, vote for me. i promise to keep kevin away." the other big midnight winner was minnesota senator amy klobuchar, seen here doing a tight five at the pot luck. even though bloomberg snagged dixville notch, when the three midnight primaries, dixville notch, hart's location, and millsfield, were tallied together, klobuchar had won the most votes, with a whopping total of eight. or as joe biden put it, "wow, eight... that reminds me of the number of years i spent in the white house with barack obama." of course, the vice president's of course, the vice president is not doing all that well in the granite state. before the votes were even counted, biden and his wife fle out to "a south carolina launch doesn't exactly sound confident that's like a guy on his weddin day saying, "to love, honor, an cherish 'til death do us part. now, if you'll excuse me, i hav a date." on the eve of the democratic primary, president trump held a rally in manchester, new hampshire, because he couldn't stand the idea of other people getting any attention. and while he was there, he took some time to complain about house speaker nancy pelosi. >> on tuesday, i delivered my address on the state of the union, and i had somebody behind me who was mumbling terribly, mumbling, mumbling, "wah, wah, oh, ah." >> stephen: huh. >> dickerson: boo! >> stephen: that was really late on that. have i been using the word "mumbling" incorrectly? ( as trump ) "she was mumbling: oh, ha, ho, ha. stuttering: swish, swish, swish! worst of all, whistling: cha-ha, cha-cha-cha!" trump took time to tell the people of nearby concord how much he loves concord. >> concord, concord, i love concord. i love concord. oh, concord. you know how famous concord is? concord, that's the same concord that we read about all the time, right? concord. i love concord! >> stephen: first of all, you do not read any of the time. second, no, it is not that same cop concorde. that concorde is in massachusetts. ( as trump ) "your city once fought the red coats with a supersonic jet that could make the trip from new york to london in record time. oh, concorde! i love your grape juice! concorde, i love you! speaking of things that he loves-- speaking of things that he actually loves, trump introduced a very special guest. >> also, a woman that not too many people know, very powerful, very smart, very beautiful-- even though i'm not allowed to say that, because she's my daughter-- ivanka. >> stephen: wow, that's weird. he says he's not allowed to say it. and he knows why he's not allowed to say it, because of all the other creepy ways he said it, but then he says it anyway. he'd be terrible in a horror movie. ( as trump ) "okay, i'm not allowed to say "candyman" five times in a mirror, but candyman, candyman, candyman, candyman! oh, hi, candyman. looking good. you up for a threesome? beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice. come on. come on. take the hook off your hand, because we've got to..." ( applause ) fine family joke. you know sometimes you feel like donald trump is corrupting all of the democratic institutions we hold dear? well, i've got some good news for you: you're not crazy to feel that way. the latest example is the case of trump crony and man voted best dressed at nuremburg, roger stone. last year-- a lot of stone fans here tonight. last year, stone was convicted of seven felonies, including lying under oath, forging documents, engaging in a relentless and elaborate campaign to silence a witness by threatening bodily harm. and by the looks of him, i'm going to say attempting to turn gotham city's water supply into marmalade. ( laughter ) these-- these are all serious crimes. stone faced a maximum penalty of 50 years in prison. but prosecutors asked for a sentence of just seven to nine years. we have a computer projection of what roger stone will look like in nine years. there you go. ( applause ) but these prosecutors, even that lighter sentence didn't sit well with stone's old pal donald trump, who tweeted, "this is a horrible and very unfair situation. real crimes were on the other side, as nothing happens to them. cannot allow this miscarriage of justice!" i don't understand why donald trump is so bent out of shape about stone going to jail. all stone needs to get out is to roll doubles. okay? or pay 50 bucks. ( cheers and applause ) go to free parking. do not pass "go." then, by some impossible coincidence-- how could it be! it was announced that the justice department will take the extraordinary step of lowering the recommended prison time for roger stone. ( audience booing ). >> stephen: so-- that was the one i was looking for earlier, by the way. so donald trump and his attorney general are using the justice department to go easy on his cronies. the only difference between this and a banana republic is that trump does not eat fruit. trump was asked about the stone case today in the white house. but first, he showed off a little project he's been working on. >> we have four trillion-dollar companies. one is microsoft, one is apple, one is google, one is amazon. so you have amazon, google, apple, and microsoft. so you have an "m," you have an "a," you have a "g," and you have an "a." you have maga. >> maga! >> stephen: no, no, no, no! fair is fair. he's right. you do get that. and, if you rearrange the letters in the name "donald trump," they spell "plod turd-man." ( cheers and applause ) it's just as true. it's just as true. i want that on a red hat. regarding the stone sentencing, trump insisted he didn't make any special requests. >> i'd be able to do it if i wanted. i have the absolute right to do it. i stay out of things to a degree that people wouldn't believe. >> stephen: you're right. i wouldn't believe. the only things you stay out of are books, salad bar lines, and shoes that have to be laced up. ( laughter ) in response to trump's carriage of misjustice, all four of roger stone's prosecutors have resigned. that's right, they all walked. it must not have been easy for them to find the exit, since bill barr has relocated the d.o.j. up trump's ass. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. julia louis-dreyfus is here. but when we return, "meanwhile!" yes, that "meanwhile!" obama: he's been a leader throughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. michael bloomberg is here. vo: leadership in action. mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. obama: at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. bloomberg: i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. ♪ teacher keep on teaching ♪ preacher keep on preaching. >> stephen: oh! welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and stay human, everybody! give it up for the band right there! ( cheers and applause ) jon, jon, you know, you know i love all my guests. i love all my guests equally. they're like my children. >> jon: that's right, family. >> stephen: but there are some guests who i just love a little bit more than the others, and tonight, i hold in my hands, questions for miss julie louis-dreyfus. this is not just a guest, not just a guest, but a national treasure, a national treasure. they should keep her on ice. and tomorrow, mr. will ferrell will be here, her costar in the new movie "downhill." >> jon: two in a row. >> stephen: back to back. unbelievable. unbelievable. i've got to limber up. you know, folks, i spend a lot spend a lot of time over there, sprinkling the silk sheets with rose petals and chilling a magnum of dom perignon, to create the perfect romantic evening of news that is my monologue. but sometimes, i like to run to rite aid at the last minute, pick through the damaged candy boxes of leftover stories, slap a ribbon on a bottle of cough syrup, and scratch out some of the details on a "happy birthday grandpa" card, to create the half-assed valentine of news that is my segment: >> meanwhile! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's my valentine. that's my valentine right there. that's it. nothing makes me happier. meanwhile, friday is valentine's day. and after a bad year and the company nearly going bankrupt, the "sweethearts conversation hearts are back." however, however, they "did not have enough time to set up the manufacturing process" and "not all of the hearts will have sayings printed on them." also, they won't be shaped like hearts, they won't be fun colors, and they are now meatballs. happy valentine's day! meanwhile, this video went viral this weekend of cosmo the cougar, the official mascot of the mormon brigham young university. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow! look what you can accomplish when you're not wasting your time having premarital sex. ( laughter ) meanwhile, "elon musk's verdict on facebook is it's 'lame' and you should delete it," because if there's anyone i trust to tell me what's cool, it's elon musk. yeah! that is so not lame! meanwhile, meanwhile, "keith richards has quit smoking." well, i'm glad he's taking care of himself before it's too late. ( laughter ) ( applause ) moisturize. you got to moiz moyerize. meanwhile, in romance news, the san antonio zoo is holding a fundraiser in which you can "name a cockroach after your ex and watch an animal eat it on valentine's day for just $5." by the way, that scene is also in the director's cut of "marriage story." by the way, naming a cockroach after your ex and watching it get devoured is the perfect way to say, "screw you, stacy! and, also, you clearly made the right choice, stacy!" but if a cockroach isn't enough, "you can pay $20 more to have them name a rat and feed it to a reptile instead, and the zoo plans to stream the feedings on facebook live." and i think we have a picture of one of the facebook reptiles. yes. look at those cold, dead eyes. ( applause ) >> jon: oooh! >> stephen: meanwhile, "sex for unmarried people in virginia might be legal soon," because until now, it was actually "illegal for people in virginia to have consensual sex outside of marriage." shocking, i know. but it's always been right there in their slogan: "virginia is for over-the-pants stuff." ( laughter ) meanwhile, an ohio minister and podcaster named dave daubenmire says he wants to sue the n.f.l. because the super bowl halftime show made him horny. ( laughter ) i hope he means this year's half time show. because i would hate to think he was arosed by left shark. apparently, what got daubenmire all daubenmired up was the pepsi halftime show featuring shakira and jennifer lopez. daubenmire took to the internet to vent his very specific problems with it. >> i saw a lot of crotch shots-- dare i say that? crotch shots from last night's superbowl. i'm looking for a lawyer out there, or somebody who would join me in a class action lawsuit against pepsi, the n.f.l., my local cable company. i don't know who all we would sue, but sue as many people as we want to for pandering pornography. jennifer lopez, by the way, is 50 years old. 50 years old, folks. i'm gonna say this again really, really slow. j-lo is 50. you go on your porn website, you're not looking for 50-year-old women. you're looking for 24-year-old women. >> stephen: excuse me? porn enthusiasts don't want to see 50-year-old women, sir? does the term "milf" mean nothing to you? no! i'm sorry, i'm angry! but i'm a little confused as to how daubenmire thinks he's going to win this lawsuit, so i've invited him here to explain. please welcome reverand dave daubenmire! >> hello, stephen. hi, there. hello, stephen. thank you for having me on your filthy, late-night, sin-and-jazz-music revue. >> stephen: my pleasure, sir. my first question is can you really sue the super bowl for having sexy dancers? >> oh, it wasn't just the dancers. everything in that halftime show shuddered with pure eroticism: the lights, the shape of the football, the pepsi logo. i mean, look at it! it's a dolphin going to town on itself under a red umbrella! totally obvious. >> stephen: i don't see it. but, sir, why didn't you just change the channel? >> that wouldn't work, stephen. this filth is everywhere. you've got those golden girls shaking their bathrobed butts this way and that. then the commercials start, and you've got that depraved kool-aid man, with his full round curves, that rock-hard handle, red frothy juice sloshing up and down the sides the jug. no wall can keep him in! >> stephen: okay! that's all we have time for. well, i hope your halftime lawsuit goes well. >> i'm also suing "jugz" magazine! i bought a copy, and it only had human women. where are the humanoid juice men? >> stephen: you've disturbed my audience, sir. >> i know. >> stephen: you seem very serious about this. >> i'm coming for you, juice man! >> stephen: dave daubenmire, everyone! >> you too, stephen. >> stephen: we'll be right back with julie louis-dreyfus. 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[ laughing ] what was it like? it felt like we'd kissed before. why you got your head down like you praying? because i might need to. what would you pray for? willpower. ♪ cause i love you i'm afraid to love you. you don't have to be afraid. what y'all do when the power went out today? she did the little sip and smile thing like. fisn't just about polar bears. we're fighting for our lives, we're fighting for clean air and clean water. that's why i wrote the law to send billions from polluters to communities suffering the most. and only one candidate for president was with us back then, tom steyer. and he's still fighting for us, pledging to make clean air and clean water a right for everyone, regardless of your zip code. that's the truth. that's tom steyer. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." sounds so good. sounds so good. you're so alive tonight. ladies and gentlemen, i'm so happy, i'm so happy for you out there viewing tonight's show, because my first guest tonight is one of the funniest people on the planet. her new movie is "downhill." >> here's what i think you're not picking up on. this was a huge event for our family, okay. and, sir, i don't want to make this a legal matter between us. i don't. >> really? >> no, i don't want-- what i'm saying is what i don't want. >> we're not in america where you sue because your coffee is hot, madam. >> screw you. i'm an attorney. >> you heard our complaint-- >> yeah, well, someone needs to hear it. >> thank you for your time. >> and no thank you for your time from me. that is for certain. i've got it, okay? >> okay. >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," julia louis-dreyfus! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! woooo! thank you! sit! sit! thank you! >> stephen: delightful. >> wow. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> i'm going to come back here every night gli hope so, i hope so. >> so good to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you, too. >> my friend steve glen always a delight to see you. we all just saw you recently at the oscars with your costar-- hold on a second-- with your costar, will ferrell. >> yes, that's us. >> stephen: now, i'm fancy. i'm not this fancy. >> yeah. >> stephen: i have never been-- i have never been. is it fun? is oscar night fun? >> i can tell you something? i'd never been. >> stephen: really, how is that possible? >> that's what i want to know. >> stephen: it's julie louis-dreyfus. >> i know, that's what i've been saying for years. that apparently doesn't fly. >> stephen: it's on your license. >> exactly. no, but it was actually totally thrilling to be there. it really was. and also terrifying. i'm so glad that our bit is over because i was really nervous. >> stephen: sure. it went great. >> thank you. yeah. it was fun to do. >> stephen: "i'm being told it went great. i'm being told it went really good, really great." would you have had as much fun if you were nominated, do you think? >> no. >> stephen: you can just go and have fun. but if you're nominated, you have to pretend to be having fun. >> there was tension in the room. they had all these musical acts this year. elton john is performing. it was cool as hell. >> stephen: parties or anything like that? >> we-- we went to the governor's ball right afterwards. and very briefly, but then we had to get home because i was flying to new york to come and do this crap here. so... >> stephen:i'm so sorry. >> yeah. ( applause ). >> you prevented me from -- >> stephen: i apologize-- >> from having a really long night. >> stephen: as i said, your costar from "downhill", will ferrell, presented with you. it's an adaptation of a 2014 swedish film. >> that's correct. >> stephen: can you give people the premise? can we say the event? are we doing that? >> yes, i'm going to