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[ laughter ] yeah [ cheers and applause thank you, wiping down doorknobs, for making me a group of sheep in northern realize for making me ireland recently crashed through realize that before i cleaned the window of a local bank and you, a total sorry. Wandered around the office thank you, wiping down when asked how many sheep were doorknobs, for making me realize that before this, i in there, the Bank Employees cleaned you a total of zero times. Fell asleep. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you, selfquarantine, for teaching me things i didnt [ cheers and applause know about myself, like how im...

Its out on demand on friday Michael Shannon is here. The very fun, the very odd Michael Shannon. Hes great tonight oh, my gosh. Also my friend j. J. Watt is on the show as well and im going to play know your bro with his brothers. Some family trivia about his brothers who are all playing in the nfl. Pretty good family huh . Thats pretty awesome. And then to close it out, one of my super favorites, remember she almost hopped our fence once rita ora is on the show tonight. [ laughter ] so cool jimmy yeah so ill be talking well, i wont be talking to rita shell be performing a new song off her upc...

Mike scollins, if youre from new jersey and youre angry, Mike Scollins wrote that joke. President trump announced yesterday he would extend social distancing guidelines through next month, said americans, this is still the same month . This march came in like a lion and went out like a kick in the [ bleep ]. Thats right, despite saying last week that he wanted to have the country open by easter, President Trump said yesterday he would extend social distancing guidelines until next month. On the plus side, you can still spend easter the way you always do, by completely forgetting about it until...

The stock market today suffered its worst day since 2008, while great person trump suffered his worst day he was at m. I. T. He taught at m. I. T. For, i think, a Record Number of years. He was a great super genius, since, i dont know, yesterday [ laughter ] dr. John trump i like this stuff. President Trumps White House i really get it. Social media director, this people are surprised that i weekend, shared a video of understand it. Former Vice President joe biden every one of these doctors said, that was edited so it appeared how do you know so much about this . Biden was saying, we can only ...

Former Vice President joe biden widened his delegate lead over senator Bernie Sanders for the democratic nomination. Wow, it is starting to look like biden is going to wander away with this thing. [ laughter ] after a Strong Performance in yesterdays socalled mini tuesday primary, former Vice President joe biden spoke last night from philadelphia and said, quote, tonight we are a step closer to restoring decency, dignity, and honor to the white house. And to anyone who says differently youre full of [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause seth at a press conference seems like mixed messa...