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(cheers and applause) stephen: welcome to the report. good have you with us, ladying and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, please, nation, sit down! thank you so much! folks, good to have you with us. folks, i got, it s not always this way but tonight that chanting was as crisp as an october morning. (laughter) nation, i m back from my vacation. hi a great time. i spent it screaming obscenities at park rangers. (laughter) and of course the big story while i was gone is the end of the government shutdown. (cheers and applause) now congress can get back to the important work of government gridlock. (laughter) the shutdown cost the economy $24 billion and caused china to lower our credit rating to a minus, or as chinese parents call it an f. (laughter) this whole crisis, this whole crisis was so dramatic it le ....
(cheers and applause) stephen: welcome to the report. good have you with us, ladying and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, please, nation, sit down! thank you so much! folks, good to have you with us. folks, i got, it s not always this way but tonight that chanting was as crisp as an october morning. (laughter) nation, i m back from my vacation. hi a great time. i spent it screaming obscenities at park rangers. (laughter) and of course the big story while i was gone is the end of the government shutdown. (cheers and applause) now congress can get back to the important work of government gridlock. (laughter) the shutdown cost the economy $24 billion and caused china to lower our credit rating to a minus, or as chinese parents call it an f. (laughter) this whole crisis, this whole crisis was so dramatic it le ....
jon: that s our show, here it is, our moment of zen. when it came to appearances, superficial things that the men don t ever seem to hear much about. but a woman candidate will. governor christie cares captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! i love you. i love you, nation! thank you so much. ladies and skbre stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. your love is like the rising sun and i m a little rosebud opening before you. folks, as you know, the united states is the world s policeman. that s why we eat so many doughnuts it. but apparently you cannot police six billion people these days without getting a few complaints. the u.s. getting blasted today. all because of drones. two international human-rights gr ....
(cheers and applause) stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! i love you. i love you, nation! thank you so much. ladies and skbre stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. your love is like the rising sun and i m a little rosebud opening before you. folks, as you know, the united states is the world s policeman. that s why we eat so many doughnuts it. but apparently you cannot police six billion people these days without getting a few complaints. the u.s. getting blasted today. all because of drones. two international human-rights groups say that they have new evidence that u.s. drone strikes have killed dozens of civilians in pakistan and yemin. u.s. drone strikes could amount to war crimes. stephen: war crimes if? no. (laughter) technically we haven t declared war on those countries. (laughter) they re just crimes. besides ....
here it is, your moment of zen. people are holding tickets that match the winning numbers in the $636 million mega millions drawing. let s go from the best of luck to the worst of fate, it s still not clear why a gunman walked into a medical building captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org test. stephen: tonight is santa claus an american, well, he is fat and wears a velvet track suit. then a shocking taste of government waste. there is nothing wrong with the old hampshire. and my guest is keanu reeves who stars in the new samurai movie 47 ronin , oh, three more and he can get the free ronin . stock tores say an apple a day may prevent heart attack, if only there were some sort of rhyme to remember that. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, s ....