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If not, this is an abject failure. If it doesnt happen my career as a journalist may be over. Lets get to our top story tonight, americas Immigration Crisis kid edition. Since october, 52,000 unaccompanied children have been picked up trying to cross into the u. S. Whats driving these people north is crippling poverty and outofcontrol violence in places like honduras, guatemala and el salvador. Jon there are kids in trouble. I was always taught by my parents to follow the golden rule. Whenever you see kid in trouble, yell another them in a language they dont understand. Go home not our problem...

Jon whoa, welcome to the daily show cheers and applause jon my name is jon stewart and we have a good program for you tonight. My guest tonight, the secretarygeneral of the United Nations ban kimoon is going to be joining us here tonight because, you know, i really dont know why. laughter im excited, but i dont know why. But first, you may remember earlier this year, the what do you call Baltimore Ravens ray rice found himself in a hot water when a cass insecurity caught him dragging his foe and says unconscious body out of an el after he had assaulted her because a gentleman without never lea...

Sometimes the q a in the beginning gets a little out of hand is what im saying, but if youre like many of our viewers, youre probably watching this show right now while driving. And if thats the case, stop very dangerous, not because it pulls your focus from the road but because of the road itself. The federal Highway Trust Fund is about to become insolvent. Jon oh, my god [laughter] first of all, i cant believe our federal highways have a trust fund. Get a job. Your parents didnt pull themselves up from gravel just to have you lay there. Well, actually. Now, i know our federal highways are th...

Show you know, and i take this seriously, my most solemn duty is holding our elected officials accountable. And tonight i have reeled in the biggest fish in the big apple, our mayor. cheers and applause no, not michael bloomberg, bill de blasio. Ive waited a long time to hold de blasio seat to defire because we all know what this man is. Mayor de blasio is a socialist, all right. Hes just flat out a socialist. Americas leading leftist, mr. Tax the rip, the mayor of new york bill de blasio. Bill de blasio, this your mean socialist. I think bill de blasio is a socialette, i call him comrade mayo...

Border bedlam. Humanitarian nightmare. Chaos and despair. The situation is so dire. The crisis at hand demands action. Unless we sit down and reason together, were going to end up with the status quo. Jon so all we need to save ourselves is for congress to sit down and reason. [laughter] together. Oh, my god [screaming maniacally] can they do it . [laughter] did they do it . Because actually, spoiler alert, you could have watched the news between friday and monday and you probably already know, but if you did not because you were at the theater, heres how it went down starting on july 8th the ...