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Jimmy thank you very muc looking good looking good out there thats great welcome to the tonight show. Give it up for the roots, everybody, right there [ cheers and applause well, you guys, the race for the democratic president ial nomination has barely started, and its already getting crazy listen to this former democratic senator mike gravel is thinking about running at 88 years old. [ light laughter ] 88 when they heard that, Bernie Sanders and joe biden were like, hey, whos the new kid . [ laughter and applause thats right we could have a 76yearold, a a 77yearold, and an 88yearold running for president. [ light laughter ] i cant wait for the debates i mean, who wouldnt be pumped about the possibility of listening to a threehour symphony of dry coughs [ laughter and applause [ coughing ] these guys shouldnt be running for president. They should be in a movie about a group of friends taking their last trip to las vegas [ light la ....
Voters imagination, not lure them into a turkish embassy. You want to see me, maam . We need to give the American Voters what they want. Selina meyer. No. Yes. But no. Im in like an unpopular minority that they can blame for all their problems. Very hitleresque, maam. Yeah, but he had better people working for him. Stop i beg you, stop who in the intergalactic bleep are you . My name is Stephen Colbert and i come from another dimension. The things that you are doing on this earth then happen in my world over and over again. Okay, this is insane. Listen foul mouthed president who tweets like a child, blaming everything on the chinese. Election interference. A completely moronic press secretary. Completely moronic member of the press. How about antidaylight savings time laws. Daylight saving. 700 measles cases and rising. You are killing my world ugh oh, i know you. You are t ....
[ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Very nice, welcome. Im jimmy, the host. Thanks for watching. Thanks for coming. I was hoping someone would show up. You know, i have to tell you. We have a lot of fun on this show. Right, guillermo . Guillermo right, jimmy. Jimmy its nonstop fun, right . Guillermo yes, all the time. Jimmy but not everything is fun. And right, im dealing with a tricky situation at my house. Ive been trying to throw out two garbage cans. They got rusty so i threw them out. Theyve been waiting to be taken to garbage heaven for three weeks now. [ laughter ] every week, the garbagemen come, they empty the plastic ones and leave without these. I mean, look at this. I assume they see them. [ laughter ] they dont match the other ones. And i am torn now between calling or putting a note on the bins. And just leaving them there to find out how long it takes. Before someone notices that two of these things are not like the other. What would you do in this situation, guille ....
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Well, you are. Thats all that counts. And what do you mean if its my real name. Why would i make up a stupid name like Ricky Gervais . Of course its my real name. Id come up with Something Like hank baxter. I was born ricky. Its not richard . No. Its ricky . I know for a grown man. That should be a child or a dog, shouldnt it, called ricky . Little ricky. The thing is, youll identify with this. Apparently my dad was drunk because my middle name is dean, and he spelled it dene. So my name is ricky dene gervase, i should be a country western singer. Do you plan on keeping me . Well, why should i change it . Its whats been holding me back. Is this actually going out on television . Yes. How have you lasted this long . [ laughter ] do you know youre on tele . Do you think this is a bar and people theres always people around talking to you . We have fun. Its just ridiculous. You ar ....