sandra bullock, kat von d and his outlaw life. would you do the same again? jesse james no holes barred for the hour. this is "piers morgan tonight" prime time exclusive. >> you thought i was going to hit you. love him or hate him, jesse james puts it out there saying his life is an open book and that's exactly what has become in this book entitled "american outlaw." jesse joins me now. jesse, we've met twice. once was on "celebrity apprentice" when i gave you a grilling. >> you thought i was going to hit you. >> i did actually. it's the one time in my recent television career where i thought this is not going to end happily. you kept staring at me with this death stare. i have quite a chilling death stare. >> i'm a pussy cat. >> the second time we met was a slightly more surreal situation. it was the oscars. i was on the red carpet. you came down. we had a bit of fun about "the apprentice" and you went and got sandra and brought her over. i checked yesterday because i made a note at the time what he said. i really like jesse. you're lucky to have him. she said i wake up every day and i remind myself how lucky i am to have him. and within four days it was all over. the scandal broke. and that was it. i found it sad when i read back the notes i made then. >> i think it was sad, you know. it's funny how quick life can change and things that are closest to you can be gone in the blink of an eye. it's not just me. it's for anyone, you know. >> you are very honest in the book. commendably so. you don't hide anything. you take all of the criticism firmly on your chin. i suppose the question for me when i read it was if you had your time again, would you do the same thing? >> as far as the infidelity stuff? >> the key thing you talk a lot about the relationship with sandra. you talk a lot about what happened. i'm going to come to that later in the interview, i just wondered when i read it whether you regret that it happened or you regret it being exposed or how do you really feel? >> i think the whole book is hindsight. starting from when i was a kid, i would rather get the football scholarship instead of being in jail when the scouts came around. >> would you? >> yeah. >> these are interesting questions. >> if i could have went back and played football now and still get a college scholarship even though i never would have turned pro because i was too small, i would do that. you know, i think as far as relationship with sandy, you know, i should have did the honorable thing and i should have left her if i wanted to screw around, i should have, you know, ended it. >> given what your life has ended up now, the question i'm really asking is whether you regret the course of events. forget your behavior for a moment or whether you wish you were faithful and with sandra. how do you honestly feel? >> i wouldn't go back and change things, you know. in a way i'm glad stuff happens. i'm not glad that i hurt her and hurt so many people around her and my family and everybody else. i would never want to put anybody through that again. but i'm a firm believer that things happen in life to teach us a lesson, you know. there's obviously someone that thought i was a strong [ bleep ] to put this kind of adversity on me, you know and push me to my damn near to my breaking point, you know, and things are, i think, better now. you know, like, there's some sadness there and some regret and guilt and sorrow and every kind of negative emotion you could imagine, but i don't think, you know -- i mean, god, you know, how do you, you know -- if i could go back through my whole life and not make all of the mistakes i would make, sure. yeah. i would be a perfect person. >> i got as far as very early part of the book when i start reading how your father hit you. punched you. we're not talking about just a smacked bottom. >> i probably deserved it. i was a pretty bad kid. >> a proper punch is different, isn't it? >> i think getting punched in the face by my dad, there's a lot of hate there. that wasn't love. >> horrible. >> it sucked. >> why was he like that? why was he so angry? >> i think it was learned behavior. people are taught everything, you know. i think he probably learned it from someone else or his dad or someone in his family. i don't think that stuff comes out of the blue. you know, i think there was problems with probably substance abuse and stuff like that. you know, i don't really blame him for his actions. my dad, you know, i still love my dad. he's like the white fred sanford. we were buddies when i was growing up. i just think that kids was an afterthought. it wasn't a priority. oh, [ bleep ], i got kids. >> did he ever apologize to you for hitting you? >> no. >> do you think he should? >> no. i don't think so. i think i'm cool with it. it's made me who i am. made me strong. made me never do that to my kids. >> your big dream was to be a footballer and you had real talent. >> not real football. >> the real one. >> kick ball like you guys play. >> the big guys where you wear padding and helmets. to be serious, this was a big dream of yours. you were talented. reading the book, you drifted into a life of crime. partly, i suspect, because of this abuse you are getting at home. >> i think i was kind of clinging to anything. i cling to the wrong friends and wrong crowd. on the football field, i was a discipline soldier. i would kill for my coaches and do everything perfect, every drill, every practice, everything. i would be the first one there and last one to leave. as soon as football season ended, i didn't have any structure so i would just get in trouble and steal stuff and get in fights and football was basically my family. that was my family structure and family life. i think that's why i have the work ethic i have and i like team work and leadership and all of that stuff is because of football. >> the crime escalated to the extent that right at a crucial time in your football career really, you end up in jail. you have carried out some form of armed robbery. when you think back to what you were doing then, do you recognize the man that you were then, a young man? >> yeah. i think it was foolish. if i could go back and change any one thing in my life, i would go back and get that scholarship to any of the hundred schools that recruited me. >> do you think going to jail just ruined that? >> totally. i was in jail for 90 days and all of the college scouts showed up to my high school to meet me the two weeks after the season was over and my coach couldn't lie to them. where's jesse? we want to meet him and see how fast he runs the 40-yard dash and all that stuff and he to they will them i was in jail. >> when you were in jail, what were you thinking? >> it was sad, you know. i think it was -- i felt probably the most alone i ever felt in my life because i didn't really have a lot of family to speak of and i just had the friends i made there and it just -- man, i'm glad i did it. i think it kind of -- >> aside from jail life, you didn't go back into jail, you managed to get out of the cycle when you came out. when you were in there you must have been thinking this is not a life i want to lead. >> i think my senior year in high school when i missed over 100 days a year and almost didn't graduate because of summer school to get my diploma and then missed out on college scholarships and had to go to a junior college which was a putdown to me because i was such a highly recruited player and then i had to go to, like, a small school like where all the screw ups go kind of said, like, i have to take care of business and not do that again. got to get a job and get responsible. >> how hard was it to get a job when you've done time? not easy, is it? >> well, i was a juvenile and it wasn't really doing time. it was 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. it wasn't really like convict time. you know, i'm not minimizing it, but i don't think when you're 18 or anything like that, people really don't look at a guy that moves furniture for a furniture store, you're not looking at his record. >> let's take a short break. when we come back, i want to talk to you about this bizarre career move you made into becoming -- i think bizarre from where you've come from to become a rock star bodyguard. your finances can't manage themselves. but that doesn't mean they won't try. bring all your finances together with the help of the one person who can. a certified financial planner professional. cfp. let's make a plan. until the combination of three good probiotics in phillips' colon health defended against the bad gas, diarrhea and constipation. ...and? it helped balance her colon. oh, now that's the best part. i love your work. [ female announcer ] phillips' colon health. my special guest, jesse james. you started doing various odd jobs and then you meet rick rubin, the producer. he takes you under his wing. one of your first jobs is doing security for one of his bands and your specific task is to stop him from smoking crack during performances. >> not during performances. he was recording an album and they had me drive around and follow him and make sure he didn't buy crack from anyone in l.a. for a week. >> the big break, the thing you really loved was motor bikes. tell me how you got into this and realized i can make proper money at this. >> i never did it about the money. when i was on the road with bands like late '80s and early '90s, i spent most of the time in europe. i started going to every motorcycle shop i could go to all over england and france and germany and scandinavia and i kind of started putting together, like, hey, i want to build motorcycles. when i was off the road, you know, i would work on my bikes. i always had some project going at home and i just kind of -- that's what i loved. i loved building stuff. >> you not only made a living but you got a tv show. you became this huge hit. the downside for you and again you're very honest about this. you got married at this stage. you're pretty devoted to this new business of yours. the marriage falls apart. >> i was married to that shop first and foremost. i was married to west coast choppers for the last 17 years. anything else was secondary, you know. >> you then get remarried to a porn star who is abusive to you. that's where when i read the book i start to see the seeds perhaps of a lot of the problems that follow you later. you've been punched by your father. you get beaten up by this adult entertainment star/wife of yours. >> i think that's what was going -- i mean, you know, that relationship was going to what i know. the chaos and everything was exactly what i grew up. i'm going to what i'm comfortable with. >> you were drawn to it? >> yeah. that seemed like home to me. soon after that is when sandy walked into my life. it was like the complete opposite. has her own job. stable. well spoken. america's sweetheart. that typical girl next door compared to something that was chaos. i kind of grabbed it like, wow, that's the kind of person i need to be with. >> when you first got together with sandra, tell me about the early days. where did you meet her? >> i met her at the shop. she brought her godson in to meet me who was a big fan of the shop and "monster garage." >> you're not a likely couple if you don't mind me saying that. your clearly a kind of obviously exactly what you portray in the book. you're a bad boy. bad boy with tattoos. she's america's little sweetheart. you are not a natural fit. >> well, you know, you can't ever pick and choose who you want to be with. when you fall in love with someone and it happens -- >> was it love at first site for you? >> i think it was for me to a certain extent. i don't know -- i think there was a courtship and we fell in love and it was kind of -- it's pretty well documented. >> that's been how your life has been ever since. >> yes. >> you entered a goldfish bowl when you get together with a movie star, especially one of the biggest movie stars in the world, your life is no longer private. >> i've been like that since i was in junior high school. i've been one of those people that people like to tell stories about and talk about. i'm kind of used to it. >> a magnet for gossip. >> i'm always the guy that everyone wants to fight and i am always the person that people talk smack about. >> when you start going out together, as i say you're an unlikely couple. what was it you think that made it work for so long? what were the things that you had in common? >> i think, you know, definitely the kids and our like interests. i don't know. i really loved her. you know, i think trying to look back now at what that one thing was that made it work, you know, i can't really name any one thing. i think -- >> when you asked her to marry you after six months, that's quite quick. >> uh-huh. >> you must have been sure then this was the one for you. >> i was pretty sure. >> did any part of you think you have a little devil on your shoulder given everything you have been through before, did you worry that although it all seemed so normal and nice and perfect for you, actually your character, your personality, doesn't allow that kind of thing? >> i don't think i ever had a devil on my shoulder or something like that. i think myself, like, i had no business being in a relationship with anyone. you know, it could have been sandy or anyone and it would have never worked. >> why? >> the problem was with me. it wasn't with them or the relationship or anything. i never thought highly of myself or never loved myself. i was never comfortable in my own skin. i was still trying to, like, put up this big front of, like, i'm a bad ass bike builder or bodyguard or football player. any of the stuff i've tried to put out there and to try to maintain a relationship with someone when i don't like myself, it was doomed from the start. >> we're going to take a break. when we come back, i want to talk to you about the scandal that broke involving you and sandra. 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[ male announcer ] every day, thousands of people are switching from tylenol to advil. take action. take advil. save on advil with our special coupon in select newspapers on may 22. to my husband, there's no surprise that my work got better when i met you because i never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back to thank you. >> i mean, that's painful to watch for me. i hardly know sandra. i met her once in my life. i think everyone watching it feels for her every time they see it because clearly she doesn't know what's coming. you didn't know what was coming but you knew what you were doing. when you watch that at the golden globes before i saw you at the oscars, what do you think watching that back now? >> it just makes me sad. it's sad that, you know, that not for myself but for her to put her through what i approximate put her through. >> do you hate yourself for doing that? i think i have forgiven myself for what i have done. >> has she forgiven you? >> i think so. she's in a place of forgiveness and, you know, i mean, it sucks to have these kinds of problems that millions of couples have and everyone has but on such a global level because everything played out, you know, it was like wildfire and it played out in the media in such a horrible way, which, you know, seemed kind of unfair to me at a point. i stood up like a man and took it on the chin. >> are you completely to blame? is the life of being with a big hard working movie star all it's cracked up to be? can it be lonely to be that guy? >> i don't know -- i think for everything that happened, i'm 100% to blame. i take full accountability for my actions. no one was holding a gun to my head to do what i did. >> i want to read you an extract from the book that you wrote about the moment that you tell sandra. it was very powerful. sandy came in and sat down in the chair. i closed the door after her and sat down myself. we stared at each other and finally i told her the truth. i admitted the affair. i told her the hard details. i let her know i never loved this woman. i never cared for her at all. and sandy asked me why i had done it. i had no answer for her. what do you think when you hear that back? >> it just kind of takes me back to that day. it was sad. it's tough to tell someone you love, it's tough to tell them something when you know when you tell them you'll never see them again. >> you knew that? >> i was pretty sure. >> did she have any inkling about what had been going on? >> i think there was some suspicions which were right on her part. i think she was, you know, it came out of left field. she wasn't ready for it or anything like that. >> you say in the book you heard a voice in the back of your mind that says get out of this while you still can. >> yeah. i think, you know, i knew it was an internal struggle because i think turning to infidelity or something to, like, either stroke my ego or whatever it was, you know, i don't think it was a decision i made 100% willingly or vindictively or anything like that. it made me feel worse than before it happened. >> sandra is a pretty private person. how has she been about the book? >> i don't know. i don't really talk to her. >> you haven't talked to her at all? >> nope. >> it's really nothing? >> nothing. >> when was the last time you spoke with her? >> several months ago. >> how do you know she's forgiven you? >> she told me before that she forgives me. >> do you think she understands you perhaps better than other people do? >> i think so. i think -- i don't know about other people. there's probably people i'm closer to now than i ever was to her. >> your current partner? >> i think so. >> that's interesting. why do you think that is? >> i think -- >> have you changed? >> i think so. i think i was willing to do the hard work and take a look at the stuff i never wanted to look at or stuff i wanted to ignore. stuff i talk about in the book and with kat that i have a partner that we're connected on a higher level. >> on a superficial level, i look at her, kat, and i look at you, and i see a perfect fit. she's covered in tattoos. she's a rocker chick. you bike your bikes. i get that. given your previous partners and kat now, it seems like a weird time in your life that was never going to work. >> that's a question to ask. was it just my ego. was it me trying to be a big shot. i'm jesse james. i'm a bad [ bleep ] and i can have a movie star for a wife. >> was it that? >> you know, i think a lot of that was my ego. it was my ego why i hurt her and why i didn't leave the relationship when i should have because my ego said, well, i need this wife so i'm cool or people like me or whatever, which is the bad recipe for anything. i think you should follow your heart and what's really right for you and meeting someone like kat, not meeting her, we were friends for a long time and friends and mutual respect and it just -- i think that maybe that was the problem. i don't think sandy and i were ever really friends. we went right into a relationship and then marriage and then right into that and never really friends and, you know, kat and i seem to be connected on such a higher level. we have such a deeper understanding of each other and outlook on the world and stuff like that and she's a bad ass too. you think i'm bad and i'll brow beat you, you should interview her. she'll scare the hell out of you. >> when you marry a movie star and it goes wrong, the last place you want to be is holly