surface. i have a high falsetto. i'm hairless, completely hairless, my body. i'm aerodynamic. there's nothing i can't do. >> what is the genuinely weirdest thing about you that nobody knows? >> wow, that's a good one. the weirdest thing about me that nobody knows. i can be amusing at times. it seems to have escaped people's notice. >> you don't do many interviews. >> you d ert?3 %many interviews. >> yfon ar ecrdthki? i'm third from the top, fourth from the bottom. so i have two older brothers, two younger sisters and a younger brother. >> what do they make of being related so closely to the coco phenomenon. >> i think my brother luke looks a lot like me. luke and i look very similar and we're only about a year apart and he lives in boston. he said many times he'll just be walking -- he told me once he was walking to a store to, you know, to buy, you know, some embarrassing product that he probably doesn't want me to mention on the air. he has a rash on his ass that's chronic. luke, i'm sorry. and piers, i think you asked me specifically what was his ailment. but anyway, he was walking and that people sometimes follow him and will follow him into a store. he'll have to turn and say i'm not him. i'm the smarter -- he is actually -- he is the smart one in the family. luke's a genius. >> your family -- you have a very close family. >> mm-hmm. >> you're still close. >> we're still close. i talk to someone in my family at least every day. and what's great about my family is they don't care that i'm on television. eyovtoo at.pcht is t inbune, ne -3 % >> i had this very -- television in those days, very different from tv now. but in the 1970s, they -- there's only a couple of channels and the uhf stations, channel 38 and channel 56, all their programming is showing old movies. that's what i watched. i grew up on old movies. my parents wouldn't let me go see -- >> was it gene kelly, fred astaire? >> yeah, old gangster movies, loves those. "angels with dirty faces" and humphrey bogart films. but that movie "that's entertainment" came out and showing you what entertainment is. i thought that's what entertainers needed to know. you've got to know how to sing, dance, move. you've got to know how to do it all, so i marched up to my parents and i said i need to know how to tap dance. and they -- they thought all kinds of things. but they said okay. let's call him on his bluff. and they found me this really old african-american gentleman who was a fantastic -- named stanley brown who said -- who had been the protege of bill "bojangles" robinson. he worked out of this dilapidated studio and taught all these, you know, people how to dance. i was the only white kid there. not only that, i was tiny and i had bright orange hair. mearleni jz,apnd3 % pen, e co iasayg -yokn, en pd at3 aer g o ocoegani aas, eywodn ce.3 p> i oa t re being faheyolo bk planet. he's also an ordained minister. he hosts his own late-night show on tv. you are a man of many talents, aren't you? >> yes, i am. thank you for noticing that. you didn't even scratch the surface. i have a high falsetto. i'm hairless, completely hairless, my body. i'm aerodynamic. there's nothing i can't do. >> what is the genuinely weirdest thing about you that nobody knows? >> wow, that's a good one. the weirdest thing about me that nobody knows. i can be amusing at times. it seems to have escaped people's notice. >> you don't do many interviews. >> i don't do a lot. >> i've been trying to lure you for like 18 months. i had to appear on your show in a desperate attempt to lure you in. >> i don't do a lot because think about it, i'm on television constantly. since 1993, i'm on tv for a chunk of time every day. i'm not looking for more ways to be on television. and no one in america seems to want me to be on more. so i'm trying to,ifnyin it's very nice. it's like a classy airport lounge. it's beautiful. but i'm thrilled to be here. >> i'm thrilled you're here. i'm a huge fan, as you know. now, take me back to the first moment you made somebody laugh. do you remember it? >> yes. it was about four years ago. i remember it very well. it was my wife. we had been married at that point for seven years. let's see. i think -- i don't remember the exact moment. my mother claims that as an infant i mashed up some food in my high chair and was throwing it around and laughing and it was making my mother laugh and her brother, my uncle, said don't laugh, it's going to make him think he's a comedian or something. and that it caught on there. but i think it always starts with the family. it starts with the family. i'm from a large, irish catholic family. and trying to -- the benchmark for me is trying to make my dad laugh or trying to make my brothers laugh at the table when we were having meals together. >> where do you come in the pecking order of the kids? >> we're not sure. we're always finding new ones. walk into the bathroom, i'm liam. i'm third from the top, fourth from the bottom. so i have two older brothers, two younger sisters and a younger brother. >> what do they make of being related so closely to the coco phenomenon. >> i think my brother luke looks a lot like me. luke and i look very similar and we're only about a year apart and he lives in boston. he said many times he'll just be walking -- he told me once he was walking to a store to, you know, to buy, you know, some embarrassing product that he probably doesn't want me to >> which is not -- it's not a very common thing in american psyche, to take the piss, as we call it in england. >> yeah. >> sarcasm isn't a massively advanced part of the american humor. >> it is in different parts. it depends on where you're from. in boston, it's a very strong thing. in boston, they love to take you down a peg the second you show up back in town. it's something about that place. and it's what i love about boston. this is a true story. i showed up in boston once a couple of months ago, and i landed at logan airport. and i get out and there's a cab line because i'm going to take a cab to my parents' house. so i'm headed towards the cab line long before i even get a chance to get to the back of the cab line, this guy sees me coming. he's the guy that runs the cab line. hey, back of the line, tv star. i said i was headed to the back. yeah, you like the rest of us now, pal. that's where i was headed. but they don't even give you the chance. it's they need to take you down a notch right away. >> when you were young, apparently in the third grade -- >> when i was younger. >> younger, my apologies. >> i'm 26. >> even in third grade you did charlie chaplin impressions. >> yeah, yeah. >> and you said to your parents as a kid, mom and dad, i'm going to be in show business, i need to learn to tap dance. >> true story. >> i love that line. >> i had this very -- television in those days, very different from tv now. but in the 1970s, they -- there's only a couple of channels and the uhf stations, channel 38 and channel 56, all their programming is showing old movies. that's what i watched. i grew up on old movies. my parents wouldn't let me go see -- >> was it gene kelly, fred astaire? >> yeah, old gangster movies, loves those. "angels with dirty faces" and humphrey bogart films. but that movie "that's entertainment" came out and showing you what entertainment is. i thought that's what entertainers needed to know. you've got to know how to sing, dance, move. you've got to know how to do it all, so i marched up to my parents and i said i need to know how to tap dance. and they -- they thought all kinds of things. but they said okay. let's call him on his bluff. and they found me this really old african-american gentleman who was a fantastic -- named stanley brown who said -- who had been the protege of bill "bojangles" robinson. he worked out of this dilapidated studio and taught all these, you know, people how to dance. i was the only white kid there. not only that, i was tiny and i had bright orange hair. so all these beautiful black women are learning jazz, tap and all this stuff and i would march in about my box of shiny shoes. like hi, everybody, let's get started. come on, let's do it, see? and then he would work with me. and so my parents, god bless them, they were great that way. my dad is a microbiologist and a scientist, my mom is a lawyer. they said this is what he wants to do. >> have they ever regretted helping you get into show business? >> i think no. i'm sure they have since. >> your mom in particular. i know my mother, when it's going great, it's obviously fantastic. when things don't go so well and you're so high profile and you get hammered, mothers hate that. they feel it very personally. >> mothers don't like it, but my parents, the second i was paying my own rent, they didn't care what i did anymore. that's just true. the minute -- i think if i had -- you know, when i paid that first rent check of my own right after i got out of college and i moved out and started paying my own rent, if i said by -- by the way, you should know i'm a hired assassin, they wouldn't care. kill who you need to kill. >> is part of the allure being famous when you look back to that time? >> this is true of a lot of comedians and i've talked to other comedians and heard them say the same thing and i defy anyone to deny this. for most of us, it's getting girls to notice us. it really is. and it's still probably on some level. i'm very happily married, two kids. but there is something, initially especially in those early days, you notice -- you go through the checklist in your mind of what do i have that might interest a girl. and i didn't have much. i would go through the list. i'm not a good athlete, my skin is not -- go down the list. the hair is a little silly. the name is weird. and then i got to -- they laugh. when i start joking around, they laugh and they hang around a little bit. so probably that's the initial -- if i'm going to be brutally hhonest, it was just to get -- >> to get girls? i'm the fake, i'm the phony. and i think that is the common denominator you see with a lot of people, whether artists or performers. they don't think -- >> do you still feel that? >> yes. i feel it today. i wasn't sure they'd let me in here. there's a -- there's a constant -- >> is it pressure to be funny? that must be a very particular pressure. >> it's funny. the -- it's odd or ironic or whatever you want to call it, but my desire -- getting into comedy was a very beautiful accident because i worked very hard at everything and i tried really hard. comedy was something that i stumbled into when i was in college. i had wanted to be a performer and then thought this is never going to happen. i'm from brookline, massachusetts. my parents -- we don't know anybody in show business. i'm not going to be in show business. this is a ridiculous dream. so i kind of gave up on it and became a really good student. and then accidentally stumbled into the college humor magazine and it was like falling off a log and discovering what it is that i was meant to do. i loved it. i absolutely loved it. and i thought i had never valued being funny that much. i just thought that's something a lot of criticism. some of it deserved, and i'll be honest with you, it hurt like you would not believe. but i'm telling you all this for a reason. i had a lot of success. i have had a lot of failure. i've looked good and i've looked bad. i've been praised and i've been criticized. my mistakes have been necessary. >> you wrote this incredible commencement speech at harvard in the year 2000. and i want to sort of tell the story of what happened to you after you left harvard through the prism of the speech because it was a wonderful life template for anyone considering life after college. you said you see, kids, after graduating in may i moved to los angeles. i got a three-week contract, a $380 month apartment, a terrible dump, bought an opal car. >> the isuzu made the opal. >> technically it's not a car. >> no, it was a hair brush more than it was a car. terrible car. >> but you go work on a show for a year and you must be thinking i'm a harvard graduate. i'm on a show. life is beautiful. >> i'd love to pretend that's what i thought but i never feel that way. anyone who knows me will tell you i never think we're in good shape now. i've never done that. but, yes, i got that job. then as i said in the speech, my writing partner at the time and i lost that job. a lot of series of misadventures, highs and lows. >> at one point you were at wilson's house of suede and leather. >> yeah. >> and you're thinking how did a harvard graduate end up here? >> yeah. i had those thoughts many times where you -- and los angeles is a very -- when you don't have a job in los angeles, there's something about it that's more profoundly depressing than maybe not having a job other places. >> because all around you are success stories. >> yes. >> the whole machinery of the city is geared toward achievement and success, not failure. >> right. >> when it's great, it's the best place to be in the world. when it goes wrong, it's the most lonely place on earth, isn't it? >> also in this town when you walk on a sidewalk, you're perceived as a failure. and so what happens is if you -- >> if you walk, you're perceived as a failure. >> exactly. so i just was -- you can walk on three blocks on this town and people will pass you who know you and say that's too bad, what happened to conan. i guess he's -- you know, it's not like new york or any other city in that way. so, yeah, that was a very -- there was lots of intense kind of despair. >> you then get a big break. "saturday night live." >> i believe this gentleman has something to say. >> i just completed your course. >> well, first of all, i've never experienced what you're talking about. every joke has worked. 35,000 of them and they have all gone brilliantly. you know, what's interesting is that for me i'm one of those people that comedy is the release. comedy is the -- doing comedy, although it can be scary and difficult, i find more agony in other things, do you know what i mean? if someone asks me to make them a sandwich, i would have more fear revolving around making that sandwich and insecurity than i would about doing comedy. so comedy in a strange way is the escape. >> is there an art to comedy? people that have worked with you tell me that you have an incredible instinct for what is going to be funny. what i don't know is whether the instinct is what makes you laugh or your instinct is what you think will make an audience laugh. which is it? >> i don't think about -- i just try and think about what i would like. >> what you would personally find funny? >> what i would personally find funny. i don't know how to do it the other way. you make slight adjustments over the years, you learn this kind of thing probably wouldn't work for these reasons. but to me, there's a very strong -- comedy and music are very close together. that's why musicians are fascinated with comedy and want to be comedians and comedians want to be musicians, myself included. it's having an ear for it. the people i really like have a comedy ear. they have a sense, a sixth sense about what might work and they go with that rather than trying to extrapolate what's the audience going to like. >> your comedy ear took you to the chance to audition for a new late night show, the bigs break of your career. september 19th, 1993. you said i was really, really happy. i thought i'd seized the moment. i put my very best foot forward. this is still the commencement speech of the and that's when the most widely respected television critic wrote o'brien is a living collage of annoying nervous habits. he giggles and jiggles about, fiddles with his cuffs. he has dark, beady little eyes like a rabbit. he's one of the whitest white men ever. he's a switch on the guest who won't leave, the host who never should come. may the host return to whence he came. there's more but he gets kid of mean. >> yes. >> you get absolutely buried by the number one critic. >> that was the nice part. >> when you read that, what did you feel? >> i think a kind of weird elation. no, i always respond inappropriately. you know, at the time it's devastating, you know, who can read something like that and not be devastated. i've never thought about my eyes the same way again. they are rat and beady-like. >> they are quite beady-like. >> thank you. i'm having them completely redone. they're going to be twice the size. it's a very rare operation you can get. i'll talk about it later. but i remembered, you know, at the time there was an intense amount of criticism. when you think about it, replacing david letterman at the height of his abilities, and i always said it was sort of like one of the greatest baseball players ever. ted williams departing the field. >> now you're going to tell me about replacing tv legends. >> right. but someone like ted williams leaving the field after a brilliant career and everybody going crazy and cheering and then them saying don't worry, his replacement is here. chip whitley and a guy like me rubbing out, hi, chip whitley here. don't worry about ted williams, i'm going to catch up real soon and striking out right away. you can imagine what the reaction would be. so i never in my heart had any really -- had any ill will towards people because i think i -- if i could have -- if i had not been myself and had watched conan o'brien debut after david letterman, i'd have been horrified as well. >> what you didn't know that day at harvard in 2000 was that you were going to land the holy grail of comedy, "the tonight show". >> right. >> and then you were going to have another down moment. >> oh, yeah. and in a way, you know, i say i'm going to go on to have more, bigger failures, i wrote that thinking not really. >> let's take a break because i want to hang on the big -- the big moment. whatever you want to call it. let's find out what you really thought. >> did you get hit by a softball? >> yeah. >> i don't get softball. it's softball, but the ball is not soft at all. and if it hits you -- >> this is a seinfeld routine. this is incredible. that was great. that was observational comedy. >> i'm going to get you in the comedy club tomorrow. you should do 10 minutes on this. it's really fun. ike underwear. ike underwear. we invite you to get a free sample and try one on too. forgive me for making this all about me, but that's kind of what i do. >> it's your show. >> i was delighted by everything that happened, except you losing your job. >> i will tell you, i will tell you and this is honest, the only consolation i took during that period was that you were happy. >> you know, i refer to that period as the golden age of television, really. >> the period when i lost "the tonight show." >> yes. >> that brief week and a half period for you is the golden age >> i will tell you, i will tell you and this is honest, the only consolation i took during that period was that you were happy. >> you know, i refer to that period as the golden age of television, really. >> the period when i lost "the tonight show." >> yes. >> that brief week and a half period for you is the golden age of broadcasting. >> that's right. >> conan o'brien on cbs's late show with david letterman. all laughing around then, but it's no secret that -- well, let's go to the moment you got "the tonight show." that moment is the holy grail of comedy in america. >> right, right. >> when you got it, is that how you felt? did you feel, this is it, i've got my 20-year plan now worked out for me? >> probably on some level you think this is going to be fantastic and then there's another level where they announced it, you know, it was the strange -- now clearly absurd plan that was announced, you know, five years ahead of time like one of stalin's grain production plans for