- [richard] what's up there, fella? see, i'm richard, your son. let me put this amplifier on you. test, test, test. how are you? i'm richard. (stephen mumbles) yeah. - you're so good. thank you. (people chattering) how are you? - okay. - you good? (somber music) all right, here it goes. don't try to eat it now. not bad, huh? (somber music) you like this, don't you? i know you like this. (soft piano music) that's it, kiddo. caring for dad is a challenge of physical and mental health. it was a lonely road until i found others. - do you have nightmares? (soft piano music) - tell us about the injury. - [luke] my mind was a mess. we get lost in there. just suicidal. - with cancer, that's dangerous. - we're everywhere. - i wish i could be there for all of it. - i'm not ready. - me and matthew. - join energy. - (laughs) have fun! - fall deeper in love. this is a common experience. (soft piano music) (car engines rumbling) - okay, you're almost there. we have to. no, you have to throw your gum first. throw your gum. - yeah. - [carer] okay. okay, brush your teeth now. - thank you. - [carer] all right, okay. okay, go again and then close this. yes. turn off. use this one. okay. - (laughs) thank you. you're so good. my first son, richard. - okay. - yes! (laughs) - you have to go walking now. - thank you, sir. - move forward, one. - oh, yeah. - two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. - the father i've known- - eight, seven. - has been disappearing. (electronic bubbling) - mouses. (computer dings) - still my dad, but our relationship is definitely changing. (electronic bubbling) - babble. - at age 15 when we were living on jackson street. - oh yeah. - and went to (indistinct). and then, i was baptized there. it was the greatest blessing throughout my whole life. - there it is. - yeah. it's a beautiful one. - little by little, alzheimer's, it's basically just taking away little bits of his brain. - egyptian. - all right. and maybe a little bit of me too. (group chattering) here we are at dinner with my aunts and uncles about eight years ago. and you can see him, he seems totally fine. but the youngest of his 12 siblings pulls me aside and says, "he's forgetting our names." and not too much later, he was diagnosed with alzheimer's and that started the road. - we'll get your mother. - well, she's gonna wait for us here 'cause we're coming back. - okay. (soft music) when i saw you. you're a big, big joy to me, richard! - good to see you too. - i love you so much! - i love you too. (soft piano music) it's okay. - you don't want gum. what? - he was mid stage at that point. i think we get off here. we get off here. - all right. - my mom, it was taking care of an 84-year-old child 24 hours a day. she needed my help because he kept wanting to leave and open doors and wander in the streets. - that's fresh tuna fish? - keep on eating subway sandwiches or going and buying donuts. - which one? there's so many before. - he drove straight through, all the way through that back wall. you know, he liked to poop everywhere. i clean up his poop and he had the strength to open up drawers and turn on stoves and try to open cans with a fork. boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. and he did it. (soft piano music) (people chattering) hi, i'm richard lui, live at msnbc headquarters here in new york city. thanks for being with us today. we just have some new information on the breaking news story. the mass shooting come out of el paso, texas. i've been a journalist for 15 years. we're gonna continue next with reverend al sharpton and "politics nation." stick around. we'll be right back. all right. right? the last second there, ron. did you see that? - i see. - oh, i tell ya. being an anchor, you normally work eight days a week, 25 hours a day. - run. - run. - get out of here before it's too late. - i don't know, man. you know how it goes. i'm not going anywhere. - haven. - hi. - i went to my bosses and i said, "you know, my dad just got diagnosed and i know where this is going." she and i came up with a plan so that i could work part time. so i work from friday to sunday and then monday i get up, to the airport, fly from new york to san francisco. it's a 10-hour door to door. immediately go to care for my dad. - thank you, sir. - fridays, i get up and i reverse the entire trip and that's three times a month, about 300,000 miles a year. january 20th, we're taking a quick little walk. say hello to baba. - yeah. you're so good, i told you. ah, you're so good, son. (soft piano music) - when i wasn't looking after my dad, i was learning from others what it meant to be a caregiver. - it's critical to document the caregiver journey. to convey the impact on their physical, psychological, financial, and social wellbeing. - now it's three phases. - yeah. - and we start with becoming aware and adjusting. - yeah, which is the most difficult thing. - it was probably three or four years before i began to self-identify as a caregiver even though i was providing those- - did you say three or four years? - three or four years. absolutely. - the future we once planned it's impossible now. - right. - so we're trying to build a new one that's just as good, maybe better. it's just hard coming to grips with the different part. - they felt like they were on the same lonely road that i thought i was on. - you don't take yourself. - i'm a caregiver for my husband who's a- - [richard] until we realized we're everywhere. my children are or were ready to be caregivers. - wow, all no. - everybody is battling- - that's when i found amy bushatz. she's also a journalist and her beat was caregiving stories. she was also living through it herself. - letting my local community understand about caregivers and that's not something that we do. the longer that i spend in my community in alaska, the more i see that's true. but the more they get to know me and they understand why this is important and so they get to know luke, right? and they get to see this is who he is and this is what we deal with at home and this is maybe the part that you don't see everyday. - [richard] right. and so, i headed to alaska to see what amy and luke were living through at home. (soft music) (soft music continues) - no, it's sad that ... close enough. yeah. okay, good stuff. hey, steve, i am hunting down some information about the childcare aware contract, which is, of course, the ones that gives the subsidy if childcare on base is full. when i married a guy in the military, my local news became military spouse and family issues. i've been covering military spouse and family news about eight years now. sailors and their families more money. (luke speaks indistinctly) i'm making them some breakfast. you wanna do lunches? - sure. - cool. it's not super cold, so you could probably wear short sleeves with a sweatshirt if you want. it's like 34. it's warm (laughs). - dave, eggs, table. - okay. - thank you, sir. - hucky, sit down, honey. - you guys want some carrots? - not at all. - [luke] not at all? all right, well, you have to have some carrots, okay? dave, do you want yogurt? - no. - [luke] thank you, sir. - luke got out of the military on july 1, 2016. and as far as i was concerned, okay, he had some struggles, but he's not disabled. - let's go, big guy. - okay. we know he struggles with ptsd. we think he probably bonked his head a couple times. his neck hurts. sometimes, he has headaches. not a big deal, okay? so then, one day, at least in our house, you wake up and there's this huge sum of money in your bank account from the va. - hmm? - what? can i see the list? - mm-hmm. - holy mother. - mm-hmm. - 'cause he has, at this point, gone through the process to be rated, you know, what are your "disabilities"? - yeah. - and it's just like this laundry list, page after page after page. mild traumatic brain injury, percentage, description, cardiac disease, percentage, description. and we discovered that the va actually considers him not 100% disabled, more like 350% disabled. - dave got that yesterday from school. - [luke] yeah, he got it yesterday. is the only library book? - and i found that really sad. i felt like i was now dealing with somebody who was proclaimed broken and i didn't know really how to process that and what to think about that. it's upstairs. do you want a hat? - thank you. get your backpack. please go to school. i love you. i hope you have a great day. - okay. (somber music) - yeah! - ah! (somber music) ♪ the winter play was really coming together. ♪ until... disaster struck. ♪ tensions... were high. ♪ luckily, replacement costumes were shipped with fedex. which means mr. harvey... could picture the perfect night. ♪ we're delivering more happy for the holidays. ♪ at bombas, we're obsessed with comfort. quality. movement. because your basic things should be your best things. one purchased equals one donated. visit bombas.com and shop our big holiday sale. do you struggle with occasional nerve aches one purchased equals one donated. in your hands or feet? try nervive nerve relief from the world's number one nerve care company. nervive contains ala to relieve nerve aches, and b-complex vitamins to fortify healthy nerves. try nervive. and, try nervive pain relieving roll-on. the power goes out and we still have wifi to do our homework. and that's a good thing? great in my book! who are you? no power? no problem. introducing storm-ready wifi. now you can stay reliably connected through power outages with unlimited cellular data and up to 4 hours of battery back-up to keep you online. only from xfinity. home of the xfinity 10g network. - wow, that must've been tough. so, luke, tell us about the injury. - i sustained my real bad tbis, traumatic brain injury, a decade ago, 2009. a big one would be my vehicle rolling over an ied and blowing up. most ieds go up around a vehicle and they're literally crushed by a shockwave inside of it. i was in a vehicle where i was crushed to the point that there were armored doors that blew off the vehicle and released the pressure. if they hadn't have been there, i would not be sitting here today to talk to you. i would've been turned into internal jell-o. (bombs blast) (high-pitched whirring) but brain slams up against your skull and it is damaged, bruised, and needs time to recover. i probably should've went and laid down for 10 days in a dark tent, but i took some aspirin, went and threw up in my room, and went back to work the next day. (high-pitched whirring) (objects clattering) (objects clattering) (somber music) i find healing in the mountains for myself mentally, emotionally, even physically. check. after 10 years on active duty, of 10 years of war, we moved here knowing that it was going to help me heal and, therefore, or family to heal, to grow, to be better. - we needed a fresh start. we needed to start over. - six, one. - when we moved here in 2016 and he was home all the time that's when i really started noticing the forgetfulness. - [luke] one non-locking carabineer. check. one non-locking carabineer. check. - multiple times, he would set his bag of pt stuff on the back of his car and drive away. just a lot of stuff right and left. like, where is it? did you leave the stove on, you know? just spacing out. he let our kids out for a walk and forgot they were gone. state trooper brought them back. it was very embarrassing. - probe, two sets. avalung. ski straps, ski straps, ski straps. 10 meters, one each. sometimes, you're husband forgets things. my wife takes it for granted that i will forget things and is pleasantly surprised when i don't. okay, brother, the reason i'm calling is i have a lot of redundant gear for the climb up hood. i think that covers a lot of the stuff you're gonna need outside of clothing other than a harness and a helmet. i think you should get your own helmet and your own- - okay. - harness. the only thing i recommend is you need to pick up your own harness and you need to pick up your own helmet. - okay, okay. - so things that would be normal for other people, they don't think that way. it's almost as if going from a to z, i will go a, b, m, c, q, z. (soft music) - it's very tempting to be angry at him. i taught myself to stop and recalibrate. we are angry at the brain injury, we are not angry at luke. now, i would love to be able to tell you that when he's being weird or crazy i think, "oh, he must be having a headache," and, oh, "life's so hard for you." like, let's be really understanding. that is not (laughs) at all what happens, inevitably, right? i say, "you are acting like a psycho," so (laughs) ... - [luke] (indistinct) that's good, amy. - no, it's not good at all. living with someone with a brain injury is very stressful. (soft music) - how do i deal with that? - how do you deal with that? - well, i mean, i see a therapist, so (laughs) ... when moderate to severe ulcerative colitis takes you off course. put it in check with rinvoq, a once-daily pill. when i wanted to see results fast, rinvoq delivered rapid symptom relief and helped leave bathroom urgency behind. check. when uc tried to slow me down... i got lasting, steroid-free remission with rinvoq. check. and when uc caused damage rinvoq came through by visibly repairing my colon lining. check. rapid symptom relief... lasting steroid-free remission... ...and the chance to visibly repair the colon lining. check, check, and check. rinvoq can lower your ability to fight infections, including tb. serious infections and blood clots, some fatal; cancers, including lymphoma and skin cancer; death, heart attack, stroke, and tears in the stomach or intestines occurred. people 50 and older with at least 1 heart disease risk factor have higher risks. don't take if allergic to rinvoq as serious reactions can occur. tell your doctor if you are or may become pregnant. put uc in check and keep it there with rinvoq. ask your gastroenterologist about rinvoq and learn how abbvie can help you save. ask your gastroenterologist about rinvoq (soft music) and learn how abbvie can help you save. - we register isolation, discord, alienation, in the exact same way that we register a physical threat. over time, that can become difficulty with complicated thinking, communicating with other people, even displaying empathy. so in that way, our isolation can become self perpetuating. - i happened to meet kate when she was an expert on my show. joining me now is kate hendricks thomas, a former marine and board member of the service women's action network. she was the leading voice in the world of veteran wellness. kate, when you were serving, were you aware of this? - well, the scale and the reach of the current issue is certainly larger than anything i faced while i was on active duty. 'cause when i was an officer of marines- - thinking back, i felt like the questions i needed to ask myself now emotionally were something she knew well. so i reached out to visit kate. (soft music) (soft music continues) - i'm gonna try something different for dinner tonight. - oh, no. - so wish me luck. - please don't. - hey, i'm trying to do something that matthew will eat. that's my goal. meatballs. hello, honey bunny. - mama, can i eat something? - i'm gonna make dinner right now. take your shoes off. you don't need shoes on in the house. you're gonna try my meatballs. - mama, i want waffles. - you can have waffles after meatballs. - mm-hmm. - i want the waffles and toast. - you can have toast and meatballs. - [shane] i mean, you gotta have protein, dude. - [kate] go sit at your spot and wait. - [shane] we first met when were at tuscaloosa. she was going for her phd. i had just gotten back from iraq and i was finishing up my master's degree. - [kate] he was just a steady person of character and integrity and loyalty. - in 2014, we got married. and matthew was born that same year. and it has been a whirlwind ever since. - and about four weeks after he was born we moved to south carolina so i could start my first job as a professor. - [shane] she has written three books. she has done three ted talks. - we make up about seven percent of the population. as long as i strove to be perfect, as long as i never used ramps on the obstacle course, i could be part of the club and i love that club. i focus, a lot of the time, on trying to make the transition back to civilian life easier for military women. - [shane] her mission in life was trying to cater to people who were clearly in need. but i have to balance her out. she would constantly say, "yes, and ..." but overexerted herself one too many times. - you have something called innate resilience. - [shane] and i can't always be there to be her guardrail. - it's actually not bad, right? you're pleading the fifth? (laughs) - i'll let the middle of the night tell me whether or not- - [kate] it's not bad. you're not gonna get food poisoned. - no. - no way. - you're right. - that's right. - [kate] good? thank you. - matthew teaches me well. (soft music) (siren wails) (monitor beeping) (people chattering) - why can't i get a recliner? husband chairs aren't made to be comfortable. - yeah. - except in the mall. - yeah. - then they are designed to be comfortable 'cause a happy husband means a happy wife. - mm-hmm. well i appreciate you being here. it's so hard to sit still for this whole thing. - the oncologist said that it looked like somebody had taken kate and dipped her from head to toe, every bone in her body. she said, "we're looking at about six to 10 years." and my initial response was, "you mean six to 10 years for the treatment to finally take effect or what do you mean?" and she didn't answer. i realized that that was how long kate's gonna be on this planet. cancer attacks the person and it only has one mission. and you don't know when it's gonna complete that mission. (bird squawks) - chemotherapy is expensive. - just a little bit. - we need to keep this for kindling. - in this house, we say the word cancer, cancer, with a little lilt in our voice because we don't want to scare matthew. he doesn't really get yet that we're talking about it just being him and daddy at some point. we haven't really gone there yet. - if you want. - sure. (somber music) - he knows that my natural tendency is to move fast. you know, the phrase i always use is power through. you've gotta power through some hard things and with cancer that's kinda dangerous. (laughs) now we're gonna get up, right? now we're up. now we feel good. i don't wanna lose my image of myself as somebody that takes care of other people. like, that's always been such a big part of my identity that the idea of slowing down and letting other people do for me feels like losing myself. (soft music) - one time, me and matthew were down here and playing or doing something and she was standing on those stairs and had tears streaming down her face. and said that it felt like every bone in her body was writhing and pinging in pain and matthew's standing right there with me and looking up at her. and you can't do anything, i mean ... 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