never as unfit as some people. just kidding. >> oh, yeah. i take that as a shot. plus only in america, an eternity with elvis for a price. bill maher tonight starts now. good evening. piers morgan is off. i'm your guest host bill maher. tonight i'm talking to two guys who know no boundaries. first a take on family values. with the man behind one of the raunchiest comedies. family guy's seth mcfarlane. lance armstrong winning the tour de france seven times, beating cancer, but he's just getting started. how he's making a comeback as an ironman. that's coming up. we begin with a man who turned a foul mouth cartoon into a tv sensation. seth, i've never met you, have i? >> no. >> nothing up my sleeves. >> nothing at all. >> this is completely on the up and up. >> this is completely natural. there's nothing artificial about this at all. >> i read in your bio that you're a tv pioneer. i've heard pioneers get all the -- >> this is how it's going to be. this is going to be the hour. >> do you feel like you've gotten a lot of arrows for your raunchiness. you're so raunchy. you're a dirty, dirty man. >> we all try over there at "family guy's" cavalcade of cartoon comedy. >> there are things you can get away with in a cartoon you must admit? >> the first example that comes to mind is you can't joke about things like domestic violence in a live action show and we've done episodes where, you know, we have the whole family basically getting into -- they have an anger management seminar and getting into a brawl with peter hitting lois, lois hitting peter. >> no. >> and i don't think that would work with ray and deborah. >> ray romano, you mean. >> yeah. >> give me an example of a line from family guy or your other shows that could not be spoken by a live action person. >> gosh, you know, now you're putting me on the spot. >> okay. forget that. >> damn you all. damn you vile woman. damn you to hell. >> that's the baby talking. >> gosh, there was one this past week that -- i'll come up with something. >> believe me, i see it every week. every week i watch your show and i think, i can't believe he's getting away with that. there was one where it was really about incest with the child. >> yes. >> and peter griffin, of course as the cartoon man says, you know, if you don't like it there's the remote. >> yeah. yeah. as the cartoon man. >> as the cartoon man. so can we watch a clip? would you like to see a clip of some of your -- >> there's nothing i'd love more than to watch something i've seen a hundred times. >> this is you doing a number on jesus. >> how do we know you're really jesus? can you perform miracles? >> sure. how about this? >> oh, boy. sundaes. >> i love you, jesus. >> i love you. >> jesus, can you do something for me? >> sure, peter. what is it? >> now what kind of mail do you get after a thing like that? do you see your mail? >> they keep us from a lot of it. we get shielded. to me the most offensive thing about that clip, very subtly, is the fact that every time jesus does magic, it's like a hanna-barbera sound track. like that wacky jeanie. >> do you understand why people like you and i never win the emmy. >> yeah. yeah. >> do you think that has something to do with it? >> it's possible. an emmy to an atheist? >> i don't know if it's that specific, but i think the emmys do tend to make safe choices. >> you campaign for it. you want that emmy. >> we do and we don't. >> you're still in that phase. >> our campaigns over the last couple of years, i kind of feel like our time to be nominated has past. i don't think we're going to -- the millet that we sent out this year was pretty much -- i don't think we're going to win based on that. i don't think we'll get nominated. >> we figured if we're screwed any way, we might as well get some laughs, make our presence known. >> do you think the fact that you're politically outspoken plays a role in maybe not winning awards? >> it's possible. i don't know how the academy works. to this day i have no clue. i know they love "30 rock." >> and you don't? >> i do. i've recently become -- it took me a while. i was late to the party but i think it's very funny. there seems to be no rhyme or reason. audience popularity seem to play no role in the emmys. the show can be the biggest hit, not that it is, but a show can be the biggest hit on tv but it doesn't matter. >> what about longevity. family guy has been on 11 years. >> is it that long? >> it is by the calendar in my house. >> is it? >> i think it has been 11 years. >> time to wrap this up. you had a little time off. >> it's always hard. >> you don't want to wrap it up, do you? >> no. no. i mean, it's -- >> you'll go as long as they let you, won't you? >> i think at this point, yeah. >> you really should. >> there was a flap recently i made some comment, i think it might be time to wrap the show up and i took some crap for it. but i don't really -- i was musing. i don't think that was -- as long as people want to see it -- >> right. >> -- we should continue to make it. >> we do want to see it. let me ask you about politics. i know you care a lot. i don't think it's any seek you're for obama. but most progressives are to one degree or another, disappointed. are you disappointed? what are you disappointed in? >> i feel like if i knew -- if i was in those little rooms or those big rooms -- >> if you knew what he knew. >> if i knew what was going on i would be able to more effectively answer that question. i don't know because, you know, i remember talking to al franken at one point who said it's a lot harder than you think to get anything done. >> more than this? >> i went in there -- and he's, you know, in my opinion one of the -- you know -- >> funniest senators out there. >> exactly. he's able -- he's still -- he's a human being. you can sense that he sold out to the machine. he's a good guy. he's very candid about it. it's very hard to get things done. so i don't know. i think in the simplest -- >> but gay marriage, he turned on that. >> how much of that was biden? i don't know. >> at the end of the day he did seem to do the right thing. that's a big cause for you. >> of all the causes, not that we don't agree that that should have been done, but why that? >> good a time as any to make this announcement. >> no, i could vouch for that. you're not a homosexual. i wish. never happen. there's diseases, there's pestilence, poverty. >> is there still pestilence? >> maybe in beverly hills. >> thanks heavens we don't have to deal with any of that nonsense, do we? not behind the magnificently cultured shrubberies that adorn -- >> i am getting ahead of myself. at some point i want to ask you and i'm going to do it now. that's the voice of your little baby, stewie. you do peter and quagmire. how do you do it when they're all talking together in the same scene? >> well, when we do table reads for the shows i -- it's a necessity. i have to jump around. hey, quagmire. >> hey, peter. not much. what are you doing? >> doing roofie and chicks. >> you can do it back to back? >> yeah, of course. >> they can't talk over each other? >> no. that would be, that would be -- >> we'll never hear that on family guy. >> well, we do do a lot of that. we simulate that kind of improvisation but it's done in editing. >> so what do you think about the fact that this election is supposedly all about the economy but the culture wars sort of reared their ugly head. we have a lot of discussion about war on women but we talked about contraception in this election which i never thought would come up in 2012. >> yeah. >> you have to view a hologram of two buck before you can get an abortion? >> no, you're thinking about the vaginal probe. >> ah, yes, the vaginal probe. there are laws that have been proposed in a number of states to things like that. what is your -- >> that's -- that's -- that's where i feel disconnected with the rest of my species. i don't -- i can't begin to comment because i don't understand. it's a mindset that's so foreign to me. i don't get it. i have to think that a lot of it is, you know, you've talked about the outrage industry on your show. i think it's that we're just looking for things to rile people up about. i wonder how many people who are advocating those sorts of procedures truly believe that this is what we should be expending our energy on? >> and what should we -- i guess would you say the environment. you care about that. but i've also heard you say the government needs to force you to recycle? >> yeah. i do think that. there are things that -- it's the argument that -- relates to the argument that conservatives make when you say, gosh, we should tax the rich. then they say, why don't you write a check. because it's not enough. you know, if every rich guy was going to do that, great. but it's not going to happen. that's the government's job is to, like it or not, force us to do things that we don't want to do that will ultimately help us all. i'm sure i'll be called a socialist for that last comment. >> when conservatives hear that. when they hear governments -- >> that's how bridges stay up. >> that's exactly how bridges stay up. are you surprised that this race is as close as it is because people in hollywood are accused of living in their own bubble. they can't imagine why someone would vote for mitt romney but it didn't take him long since a nasty primary season ended where it seems like he was dead even with the president. >> i guess i am and not. we're so divided right now. we're as polarized as we've ever been. i'm not surprised. i'm always baffled by that assessment of hollywood thought. it's interesting that you have probably the most concentrated collection of people in the highest tax bracket who are also the most liberal. that's the only industry where that's the case. there's two reasons for that. one is that it's a business. for a lot of us the money is secondary and the work is first. you know, i want to do this project. it sounds fun. great, it pays well. it's an industry that more embodies the fruition of the american dream than any other. you have people who became millionaires overnight. it's the american dream. you have more in this industry than any other and they remember very recently scrambling paying, you know, $600 a month in rent. >> no corporate welfare. we make our own way. we are not socialists. >> yeah. >> when we come back i want to talk to you about where you got your start. i think it's earlier than most people got theirs. ♪ he's a family guy [ female announcer ] roam like the gnome this summer. it's the travelocity spring into summer sale. you can save up to 50% on select hotels and vacation packages. so book your summer vacation now and save up to 50%. offer ends soon. book right now at travelocity.com. look at this mess. darth vader is going to be here. should we clean this place up? >> no, he won't mind. >> well, well, princess leia. are you prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen plans? >> you win. i've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases. >> okay. okay. i'm feeling number 14. let's go with number 14. it's okay. i'm just happy to be on tv. okay. so that was your tribute to -- i remember when that played. that was a whole hour episode, right? >> yeah. yeah. >> because that was, for some reason, something that was very influential in your childhood, "star wars," right? >> yeah. you know, my generation, you know, grew up with that. like it or not, we all know it backwards and forwards. >> i was more of a star -- >> i never understood it. i never understood the appeal. i know that he is sacrilege. >> i was secretly maybe more of a "star trek" guy myself. i feel so traitorous saying that. >> you can't have both? >> you can have both. >> you can be a space 1999 guy. star wars, star trek, star search. why aren't obama and romney talking about this? as long as we're dealing with -- >> it might. it might come up in the debates. >> it might, right. getting back to your childhood you were only 2 when you started drawing cartoons. that seems very precocious. i would watch woody wood pecker, fred flintstones. my parents saved sketches that i did that are crude but oddly recognizable. there's one now. >> how old were you when you made that? >> two years old. most kids are playing with their poop at that age. did you feel like you -- >> well, guess what. wait till i tell you what that was drawn with. >> and you didn't feel particularly comfortable as a child i'm guessing because you were so advanced. you wanted to probably get to adult hood. >> that was -- that's pretty much right on the money. i remember, you know, knowing exactly what i wanted to do about the age of five and it was almost a nuisance having to get through childhood and adolescence to get there. that's where my parents were good at kind of walking the line of support and at the same time saying, you're going to be glad that you read jude the obscure. >> they did see a cash cow in the making. >> oh, yeah. >> i think we have your earlier student films. can we roll that and show the people what you were doing when you were a little older? >> a totally new world rife with challenges for a young whipper snapper like myself? >> what do you think they eat. >> something like space jerky or something. >> because shatner's absolutely getting fed fairly well. somebody's seeing to that. >> amazingly similar to what we see every week. it is not that far off from what it grew up to be. >> one trick pony right there. >> how old were you when you made -- >> i was, what, 20? >> what do you think of shows like american idol and all the singing contests on tv? >> i've maybe seen american idol twice. i saw star search a lot when i was a kid. >> i mentioned it before. it was the granddaddy of those kinds of shows. >> contest shows in general, reality shows in general i don't have the patience for. >> what with procedural crime shows? >> i'm joking, of course. >> tough to get into. >> this is the divide between hollywood and the rest of america. >> csi is the biggest thing in the world. >> not anything that either one of us has ever seen. >> it wasn't that long ago that episodic tv was the way to do it. you would tell one isolated indiana story every week. it didn't matter if you missed a few as long as you knew the characters. that's something that is part of the reason that television dramas are having a tough time. you have to get people invested in the characters before you start saying, all right, stick around every week. >> they want to tease them to what's coming up next. >> yes. >> coming up next we're going to find out what seth is doing in his next big movie project. you won't believe it. ♪ it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ all fresh and values on which we used to rely ♪ i met a girl. >> nice. >> she's a cashier. >> what i'd like to do to her, something i call a dirty fozzie ♪ ♪ how you like me now? >> okay. all right. that's where we'll draw the line. >> so that's from your movie "ted" which ones opens on june 29th. >> yeah. >> i think myself and all your fans you have around the world are expecting big things from that. that looked funny. you are that bear? >> yeah. yeah. >> you're in that bear costume? >> yes. i'm in the bear costume. i have enormous amounts of surgery done to get in there and @ i met a girl. >> nice. >> she's a cashier. >> what i'd like to do to her, something i call a dirty fozzie ♪ ♪ how you like me now? >> okay. all right. that's where we'll draw the line. >> so that's from your movie "ted" which ones opens on june 29th. >> yeah. >> i think myself and all your fans you have around the world are expecting big things from that. that looked funny. you are that bear? >> yeah. yeah. >> you're in that bear costume? >> yes. i'm in the bear costume. i have enormous amounts of surgery done to get in there and then enormous amounts of surgery to get out. >> that was mark wahlberg. i recognize him. what is this movie about? you play a bear with mark walhberg? >> yes. it's sort of what happens after the disney fairy tale is over. it begins in a very classic fairy tale fashion where mark as a young boy makes a wish that his favorite teddy bear would come alive and talk to him and imaginally it happens. and the movie takes place three decades later when he's now an adult. he's got a job. he's got a girlfriend. the bear is still with him. gets high with him. drinks his beer. basically makes his life -- basically keeps him in adolescence. >> so if you were pitching it, something meets something, what would it be? >> it's you, me, and dupre with fuzz. >> we want people to see it so let's not use that. mila kunis is in it. who does she play? >> the love interest of walhberg. >> so you don't get the girl? >> no. no. i do not. ted gets a girl. >> let's move on to some of your other projects. we keep hearing that you're going to redo the flintstones. because seem a little obsessed with the flintstones. >> that kind of went south. >> it did? >> yeah. >> we're never going to see that? >> at some point in the future you may. at the moment it was -- it was the tipping point of work for me. i couldn't squeeze it in. it was a deal that was kind of begun four years ago. it took a while to work out all the details and by the time it was all done my schedule just wouldn't permit it. >> peter griffin on "family guy" is not unlike fred flintstone. >> it's kind of the other problem. >> is it? >> there were a number of -- >> i'm glad you said that. >> there were a number of issues. the predominant issue was schedule. it was a challenge to -- you know, in a world where there are so many animated fathers on television who can trace their cartoon lineage directly back to fred flintstone, where does fred flintstone fit in himself? >> what about "cosmos?" i remember this show. this was a pbs show. you're a science nut. you rail do know your science. you're bringing that back on fox? >> yeah. yeah. >> right on regular tv? >> yeah. >> what can people look forward to with that show? >> fans of the original will know more or less what to look for. if you've never seen the original, you haven't heard of it. >> a lot of them are dead so -- but why don't you tell us. >> the way sagan described it. >> carl sagan, i had him as a professor at cornell. astronomy 101. he was almost never there. but i officially had him -- he was off doing johnny carson. >> busy guy. >> great guy one of your heroes? >> absolutely. one of the very influential writer -- the last guy to really bridge the gap between science and -- between academia and -- >> is that a word, academia? >> academia. >> i've only seen that word written. but between academia and popular culture. and that person has not -- >> and his widow andrean. >> who wrote "cosmos" with him is in it. >> she's writing it and stephen. >> and neil degrast heistan who is the successor. >> the popularizer of science of our time. >> i think you as i do believe that you can't really reconcile, as so many people do, science and religion. >> it's hard. >> it's one or the other, right? >> the problem is that, you know, if i tell you, hey, there's a monster living under my bed, you would say, well, that sounds ridiculous, seth, give me proof. i say, well, you have to take it on faith that i'm telling the truth. you would call me crazy. with the invisible man living in the sky we are essentially asked to do just that, take it on faith, and yet a lot of us say that it's -- we do -- we do exactly that. >> you think mormonism, which is of course the religion of mitt romney, do you think that's fair game in this election? i know that mitt romney doesn't want it out there, obama doesn't want to be accused of bringing it out. but americans don't know what is really in the mormon beliefs. >> i don't really -- as long as they can separate it. most politicia